


The Time After It's Gone

by ifiOnlyhadmorePaper



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Depression, Eventual Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, F/F, F/M, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Love, Love Triangles, Old Friends, Original Character Death(s), Poetry, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Use Your Words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-06-25 18:51:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 61,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15646809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper/pseuds/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper
Summary: This is a depressing prompt, I'm not sure how long it'll take to circle back, but fair warning itisangsty.Post PP3“What do you want me to say, Beca? What can I possibly say to make this better?”“Well? Tell me! Tell me and I’ll say it!”“Nothing!”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Funny thing, it is my birthday and I'm supposed to celebrate life on this day but... came up with this instead... Enjoy??

_One year after the USO Tour…_

* * *

 

Everything had fallen into place. Everyone was content where their lives were, they didn't need to sing acapella covers to figure out who they were anymore. Cynthia Rose was finally married and she passed her pilots test as a new member of the air force. Flo's smoothie truck grew as popular as Starbucks, and on days Beca missed her, she went to one of the locations and she reminisced the random facts she would tell about her life in her old country when they still sang together.

Fat Amy and Fat Amy Winehouse was actually a big success, lot's of good reviews from critics about being hysterical, Beca wasn't too sure that was what Amy had been aiming for. She also was on the cover of People and Vogue for being the richest woman in America or in Fat Amy's words 'the richest woman in Tasmania, with teeth.’. Jessica and Ashley got married, and they were expecting a beautiful baby boy named Landen.

Aubrey and her dad were working on their relationship, and she actually found a connection with Unicycle after he came to The Lodge of Fallen Leaves for a teacher's retreat, he was the P.E. teacher at Lakewood Elementary. Lilly, or Esther, and Social Anxiety were quite the pair, they were… Beca actually had no idea what they were doing.

Stacie was working with a well known gym as a personal trainer, and currently planning to own her own gym, and Bella just took her first steps. Emily graduated from Barden and worked with Beca and DJ Khaled, she already had a whole album out that, of course, Beca produced. Chloe had gone to vet school, she was dating Chicago and living somewhere in California.

All of them had been doing well for grown women in the real world. Beca was doing good for being a real adult in the world. She'd loved an unrequited love, followed them to New York, overseas, and back until she couldn't anymore.

It'd been a little over half a year since she'd seen Chloe. She didn't regret any part of their friendship because they were never meant to grow into more than that, and she decided to just accept it for what it was before she wasted the rest of her life.

She lived in LA with Emily, she was releasing another album and was now also into animated voice acting with Justin Timberlake. Life was good. “Oh my God, I am so sorry!” She said as she wiped her raspberry smoothie off of her clothes and the strangers shirt.

“It's fine, it's fine.” He looked at her and her smiled. “Beca Mitchell.” She looked at him and then her mouth drew up in the same smile without her permission.

“Marco Hill," she said as she fondly remembered the man. "You took our pictures for the tour and Emily’s album cover.” He nodded and Beca just beamed at him, she didn't know why she was so happy to see a man she didn't really know.

“You proved to me that acapella isn't totally lame,” she laughed, and she'd realized how long it'd been since she honest to God laughed at something. “Can I get you another smoothie?” She decided that her lunch break could be spent outside of the studio for once, instead of inside like a music hermit.

“Sure.”

“Awesome sauce.”

 

_One year later…_

* * *

 

“Beca, come on!” She stormed into her room and into the closet with Marco following close behind. “Beca, come on.”

“That dinner was a horrible idea Marco, your parents hate me! They hate me!” She said while straining to unzip her dress. Marco's parents belittled her profession, insulted her music, and discredited the Bellas. That last one was the straw that broke the camel's back. She didn't even know why she bothered after his mother said 'Oh, that's nice.’ after she'd explained what she did and what a success it had been. She reluctantly opened the closet door and turned around for Marco to unzip her dress, she wore a dress for those people! The least they could've done was _pretended_ to have liked her.

“I don't even know why I tried to fight that woman on anything! She's never going to think I'm good enough, she's never going to accept me and what I do, and she's not going to think that me loving you is enough, I don't even know why you wanted me to meet her-”

“Because I want marry you, Beca!” She stopped talking immediately.

“You want to marry me?” She looked at him, his eyes were tender and soft.

“Yeah,” he smiled softly and tugged the skirt of her dress. “How 'bout it?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Yes!” She said in a watery voice. He pulled her in and kissed her. She could marry someone like him. She didn't care about his parents anymore, she was going to marry him. For a split second she wondered what would've happened if she'd actually told Chl… nevermind.

 

_Six months later…_

* * *

 

“The maid of honor and the best man, Emily and Brady!” Emily walked in with a royal blue gown and the best man in a grey tux. They walked into the hall to Marry You by Bruno Mars, and they stood at the front of the wedding party's table. The guests cheered, especially the Bellas in attendance. “And now…” the guests stopped and the DJ dropped an octave before speaking again.

“Please welcome… the bride and groom, Mr. And Mrs. Hill!” the entire room erupted in applause as Beca walked in her left hand holding her white camellia bouquet and her right linked with Marco's. She had a loving smile on her face and he could probably power a whole country with the bright white smile he had on his. “Let's hear it for the happy couple!” the statement was followed by an especially loud 'woo’ from Fat Amy and a wolf whistle. “And now the first dance.”

 

 _At last my love has come along_ _  
_

_My lonely days are over and life is like a song_

 

“So, _Mrs. Hill,_ you know I’ve been thinking about something…” Marco asked her with a cocked eyebrow. She looked into his brown eyes, that were filled completely were adoration for his new wife. She smiled softly, but as they turned, she spied over his shoulder at the empty chair where Chlo… nevermind.

“And what is that, _Mr. Hill?”_ She said pushing the unhappy feeling back into her mind.

“How good our pictures would come out if there was, like, a smaller person that looked like both of us?” she laughed and mulled it over.

 

_I found a dream that I can speak to_

_A dream that I can call my own_

_I found a thrill to press my cheek to_ _  
_

_A thrill I've never known_

 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” She laughed and shared a kiss with him as the song ended.

“Awesome sauce.”

 

_One year later…_

* * *

 

 **“There is** **_no way_ ** **we are naming our daughter Beverly.” Beca said as she put a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.**

 **“Come on, babe! She could be** **_Beverly Hill!”_ ** **she looked at him with a sarcastic smile.**

 **“Yes, of course because** **_that_ ** **is what I want.” He laughed and accepted to spoonful she offered him.**

 **“It's like** **_the best name ever.”_ ** **she rolled her eyes and smiled at his dorkiness.**

**“Right, baby.” She ate another spoonful and he rubbed her small tummy. “I'll tell you what, I will think about it.”**

**“Seriously?” He asked excitedly.**

**“No.” He laughed and put the ice cream on the coffee table and tickled her.**

 

……

 

“I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.” the doctor had his hand on her shoulder before he left, and as soon as she heard his footsteps fade the floodgates opened and she sobbed into Marco's shirt. Marco tucked his chin on her shoulder and she felt the tears roll down the back of her neck as he cried with her.

“We're gonna be okay.”

 

_Six months later…_

* * *

 

“I know, Marco! I know that! But I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted!”

“You are what I want! Why can't you get that in your head?” He yelled and walked out of the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror, shirtless and tracing her abdomen, feeling her empty womb. She let hot tears run down her face and she heard the front door slam. She needed her best… nevermind.

 

_Five months later…_

* * *

 

“Bye, baby, I'll be back by dinner, love you!” He called from the foyer. Beca was sitting at the breakfast bar on her computer with her headphones on, working on one of Emily's new songs. She'd barely heard him, but she turned slightly and answered him back.

“Okay, don't forget to pick up some milk while you're out!” And then she refocused herself on the task in front of her. Emily would be coming by to have a listen and keep Beca some company, and Stacie would be by with Bella for dinner. It's a tradition now, to have those three over, it's the closest family she has other than Marco and her brother in-law, and Chl... nevermind.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Becs, your phone is ringing!” Emily called from the living room. Beca sauntered over and picked it up as she put her wine glass to her lips.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Rebeca Hill?” She felt a knot in her stomach after hearing the woman's serious voice.

“This is she.” she said cautiously, taking another sip from her glass.

“This is the Silver Lake Medical Center, your husband, Marco Hill, was admitted an hour and a half ago…” the rest of everything the woman was saying wasn't heard, Beca dropped her glass on the floor and she gripped her phone until her knuckles were white. Her throat was excruciatingly dry, and her lungs felt heavy in her chest, she leaned forward and leaned on her table. Stacie and Emily rushed over and hovered around her and the broken glass, careful not to make any noise during what sounded like a serious conversation.

“I-I’m sorry what was that?” She managed to say as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

“We need you to come down and speak with the doctor, ma'am.” The clerk said, trying to be as vague as she could about whatever had happened.

“O-okay, thanks.” 

 

* * *

 

“He’s unresponsive at the moment, we're going to keep him in the ICU for further observation, but if he doesn't start breathing on his own then life support is up to you.” Beca just nodded as she stood outside her husband's hospital door.

“The ambulance gathered all his personal items.” He gave her a bag filled with his clothes, wallet, car keys, and wedding ring.

“W-what do I do now?” She asked the doctor cluelessly.

“Just give it time.” He gave her a sympathetic look and walked away with his clipboard. Marco had been driving down an intersection when a truck had t-boned him on a red light. Then another car didn't stop in time and took out his right side.

She should've known something was wrong when he hadn't come home by dinner. She didn't even think to start in dinner because she had company, she thought she would just order takeout and drink wine instead of cooking, she should have known when he didn't text to let her know she was on his way, or that he was running late. Chloe would... nevermind.

When she was called, she took no time to get there, she just ran out of the house with her car keys. She didn't grab a coat, she only thought to make it to Marco, but she was cold. She took his jacket out of the bag and she put it on. She shoved her hand through the pockets and was met with a crinkling sound in the right. She pulled out a receipt and read off of it. He had bought one three dollar gallon of whole milk. She let out a choked sob and she entered his room.

 

_One month later…_

* * *

 

She sat in the first row and stared at the mahogany casket she'd picked out. She decided on daisies and lavender because they had been his favorite flowers to photograph. She'd made sure that everything matched his photographer chic.

The Bellas were all there. Emily sat next to Beca on her left, next to Emily was Stacie, next to Stacie was Aubrey, and next to Aubrey was Fat Amy. To her right was her brother in-law, Brady, and his parents. The row behind was taken up by Flo, Cynthia Rose, Jessica and Ashley, and Lilly, her younger sister Stephanie, and her parents and Sheila. Anyone else, Beca didn't see, she'd kept her eyes trained on the M. H. etched in gold on the side of the wood.

She'd kept him on life support as long as she could, she waited for progress or a sign as long as she could, she was there every day talking to him for as long as she could, and nothing. She got nothing. After three weeks of wearing the last thing he wore and walking around with receipt for milk in her back pocket, his mother decided that it was enough.

She knew that Marco wouldn't want her to live that way, so she took him off the respirator and within three hours he was gone. “And now his wife is going to say a few words.” She heard her name and her eyes snapped up at the minister behind the podium, and she rose. She stood at the podium and looked out to the people, but when she saw his mother weeping, she felt her heart splinter and crack even more.

“My husband…” she stared at the eulogy she had to write. She thought of how many times she edited and how many hours and drafts she went through to get it to where she wanted it. “My husband…” she said louder, with her eyes closed she felt the sun on her face.

She sighed and opened her eyes to look down and wipe some of her tears. “Marco,” her voice broke after saying his name, she looked down at Emily who's encouraging eyes gave her enough to keep going. “Marco always had something to say back to everything.”

She deviated from what she had written down. “I would tell him 'Hey, handsome’ and he would say 'Hey, beautiful’..." she rolled her lips and the corner of her lips twitched up.

"We were fighting one time and I told him I couldn't give him everything and he he told me I was everything he wanted.” Beca took a minute and rested her head on the flat part of the podium and openly sobbed in front of everyone there.

“But four weeks ago,” she choked back another sob and sniffled, Emily stood up and took a spot behind her to hold her hand. “He told me that he'd be back by dinner and that he loved me,” she accepted a tissue from Stacie and she wiped her eyes, the people in front of her were blurry and unclear due to the tears that filled her eyes.

“And I… I… I told him not to forget the milk.” She confessed and cried harder, her chest ached and she was sure that she was hurting Emily's hand.

She looked down at the flowers and reached down into her pocket. She felt around for the milk receipt, and she grasped it between her thumb and forefinger. She stayed quiet for a long time, as did the people in attendance, until the minister stood in front of the podium and looked at her.

“Mrs. Hill, if you want to throw in the first handful.” She hadn't even realized that they lowered him down into the ground. She just stared blankly ahead and she grasped a handful of soil and tossed it in. She'd turned around to go back to her seat and she sat there until almost everyone had gone.

 

* * *

 

She sat at his desk in the office and she put on his jacket. She’d been left his personal camera, she stared at the black screen watching her reflection in it, not wanting to turn it on just yet. There was a knock on the door. Stacie had peeked her head in and she walked up to her side and leaned on the side of the desk next to her.

“Everyone's asking for you.” Beca just closed her eyes as she remembered each time he'd shoved the camera in her face, and screamed 'candid’, and how much she had hated it. She would give the world to have it back. She stood up and walked out of the room, she went to the kitchen to get herself something to drink.

She hated hearing 'I’m sorry for your loss’ already. People always meant it in the best way, but used it as a filler for the long silence that would take place at the funeral reception if they didn't.

She felt like a stranger in her own home, she couldn't find her water bottles, she'd opened the fridge and freezer, and the cooler in the living room, no one approached her seeing that she was on a serious mission to avoid getting approached.

She walked back into the kitchen as if it were the first time she'd been in there, she looked everywhere again, but then she opened the pantry and saw the room temperature water bottles on the bottom shelf.

“Damn it, Marco, I thought I-” she stopped talking so loud as she realized she hadn't been talking to anyone. Marco wasn't there anymore. She just slammed the pantry door shut and she held her water bottle in her hands and rested her head between her arms and cried even more. She wailed and cried, sucking in sharp breaths, and hyperventilating.

After she composed herself, she made her way back to the living room when she caught a familiar glimpse of cerulean and auburn standing next to Stacie and Aubrey. She looked again and their eyes met immediately. It was Chloe. She sent a small smile her way, but Beca did nothing and tried to get back to his office, but as soon as she tried to turn the corner, she was ambushed by the tens of different people wanting to give her their condolences.

“I'm so sorry about Marco-”

“He was such a sweetheart-”

“If you need _anything_ let me know.” She felt like she couldn't breathe anymore, then she saw Chloe walking up, and she ran out to the front door, but even there she was getting harrassed by the paparazzi.

“Beca, anything to say about your husband?”

“How would you describe your relationship?” Question after question, she just got into her car and drove away without looking back. Then she thought of the lyrics:

 

_You're gonna miss me when I'm gone._

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chloe.

_One year after the USO Tour…_

* * *

 

Chloe missed everyone. She missed singing, and dancing, the laughing, all there is to her life at the moment is studying, tests, and Skype calls from Chicago. The Bellas group chat barely ever sent notifications to her phone, the only time any of them said anything was when a really big news needed to be shared between the ten girls. Like Emily's first album or Beca's. She didn't like to do too much thinking when it came to Beca. She thought that… well the way she saw it, she always thought that _maybe_ there could've been more. She's not sure exactly what, but she had a hunch that maybe… she brushed it off because that's crazy talk. Other than big news of success, being a functional adult was top priority.

She had a two bedroom apartment, one was a spare, and the other was her room. Well, hers and Chicago's for three months he'd go home. They shared a bed, went on dates, and had lazy days when she could, but usually she was up to her neck in studying and exams, and twenty page reports about the pros and cons of euthanization, so they mostly stayed in. “Bye, hon, I'll call you same time next Monday.” She blew a kiss into the camera.

“Bye, babe, love you.” She hung up and then she just exited out of Skype and went back to work. This was good, she was doing good, this was enough even if it wasn't more.

 

_One year later…_

* * *

 

“So that's it then?” Chicago asked from behind her as she looked out of the window of their apartment.

“I'm sorry.” He scoffed and then his footsteps disappeared, and she was alone again. He'd been back for not too long, he was moody, and impatient, while she had her own stress going on with her second year of vet school. She needed three more to go and then she'd be a vet. Now was crunch time, it wasn't the time for blowing off a paper until Monday because she wanted to go dancing or to dinner with Chicago, it was the time for focus.

Chloe was so committed and focused on her goal, sometimes when she'd go to the library or when she worked from the apartment she had to set reminders to eat lunch because she would just forget altogether. Chicago had been back for a little over a month, in that whole month they had not had sex.

Finals were coming up, but apparently his libido was not under control. She'd spend most late nights saying things like 'Not tonight, I have a test early tomorrow.’ or 'I have to study for this.’ and sometimes the generic 'I’m exhausted.’ would get used at times, but it just was a rare thing to ever have sex. They hadn't had sex _regularly_ since their first three months together. After that, forget the timeline and don't expect anything.

Arguments would start over food on the couch or the rings on the table, little things that would send him running to his buddies house for a week, they were always at each other's throats. The problem was she needed someone who was _there,_ she needed someone who listened, who helped her with her flash cards even if they'd rather watch TV and drink beer, she needed more. She needed Bec… nevermind.

 

_One month later…_

* * *

 

_Save the Date!_

_Beca & Marco _

_4:45 pm on June, 17 2019_

_@_

_Descanso Gardens 1418 Descanso Dr, La Cañada Flintridge 91011_

 

She was getting married. That didn't sit right with Chloe. Her stomach knotted itself and knotted itself, her heart felt heavy, and she was prepared to scream at the top of her lungs. It wasn't her place to get upset, best friends are happy for each other. Are they still best friends? Maybe she should call… nevermind.

 

_One year later…_

* * *

 

She didn't go to their wedding. Why would she go? It would be really weird, she hadn't seen her in months. They're still best friends, just... from far away. She could never make an excuse for not going to her best friend's wedding, it would only come out more generic or harmful than intended. She'd wanted to go, but she couldn't, or wouldn't, fill out the RSVP.

She just wouldn't, she always found herself physically sick after reading the invitation and seeing their picture together as a couple on the side. She just couldn't do it, and the most contact they get anyways are likes on pictures. Even the ones Mark, or whatever his name was, was in. It didn't matter, she had other things to do, she was being an adult, adults focus. “You want me to call you 'Ya Boi’?”

“Yeah, that's right, shawty.” He laughed. She smiled uncomfortably and she looked to the waiter for help. Perhaps he wasn't the _best_ person to be an adult with. The man freestyle raps and told her he was glad to be out with someone who wasn't supermodel gorgeous. Maybe for someone else, but not Chloe. If she'd wanted a sneak peek to how this date would've gone, she could've just asked Beca… nevermind.

 

_One year later…_

* * *

 

Four years. It's been four years since she's talked to her, or seen her in person, and two years since her wedding, but now she was being told that she needed to go to a funeral. She saw the writing on the envelope, and she saw Beca's last name written on there, her heart dropped as she carefully opened it, but it wasn't her funeral. It was Marco's funeral.

Chloe thought how much that hurt, Beca was widowed at twenty-eight, she didn't get to have kids or grow old with him, her heart hurt for Beca. She needs her now even if Chloe can't stand calling her 'Mrs. Hill’ or the fact that she probably has pictures of them all over their home, Beca needs someone now to cry to, and that had always been her. Maybe it's not anymore, but she needed to get her head out of the clouds because this wasn't about her.

 

_Two weeks later…_

* * *

 

“I can't just go up to her, Bree, that's an awful thing to do!” She whispered yelled at Aubrey. The funeral was beautiful, the flowers, the ceremony, the casket. His brother had said something at the reception, but what Beca had said at the actual funeral was heartbreaking.

Chloe just wanted to walk up and hold her, tell her not to feel guilty because no one could have known about the accident ahead of time, there was not anything she could've said or done because no one can predict the future.

She sat in the nosebleeds, she didn't feel that she should sit with the rest of the Bellas in the second row after not speaking with Beca for years. She needed time to prepare herself because she's seen angry Beca, happy Beca, and depressed Beca, but this is a whole new Beca now.

“That's kind of what you do at funeral receptions, Chlo.” She told her, but Chloe wasn't listening when she was met with familiar denim eyes and chocolate brown hair. As she looked into Beca's eyes she remembered every time those eyes looked at her so fondly and with a certain warmth, but then they started looking at someone else with that same fondness and warmth until it was gone, and now there was a cold nothing.

She couldn't read her, so she smiled. Beca didn't return the smile she'd just kept walking, but she was stopped by family members of her late husband and she took that as her cue to go save her from socializing, but by the time she'd walked over Beca had ran out the front door and drove away. She kept thinking of the lyrics:

 

_Will she come back? No one knows_

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep an eye on the details in the story.

_One year later…_

* * *

 

Beca pulled her hair out of her hair tie and she got into the shower. She left her old house and took a leave of absence from work. She wasn't accepting any projects or working with anyone outside of Emily because it's Emily, and she's family.

She hadn't talked to his brother or any family, and they had stopped calling when the fourth month of silence rolled around. She had a ten month old text message from Chloe sitting in her phone. She'd came to the funeral, the last thing she remembered was seeing her in the living room and running.

As she let the hot water run down her body, she felt all her muscles relax, and she felt the aches subside. The only ache that never left was the one in her heart from the unresolved guilt that made itself a home in her stomach. She needed someone.

 

* * *

 

She drank her whiskey and stared down at the receipt for the milk from one year ago. His signature was curled up on the bottom, he always had the loveliest handwriting. He'd written every single name on the envelopes for the wedding invitations. He right about gave himself carpal tunnel, but his handwriting remained immaculate.

The bar manager came up to her and knocked on the wooden bar. “You about ready, Bev?” She set her drink down and grasped the receipt tighter.

 **“Knock em’ dead, baby.”** She heard Marco say.

“Yeah.” she breathed and stood from the stool.

 

****

  
Just one more semester and she'd be a certified veterinarian. She'd sat at a table in a bar with her work set out in front of her and a beer, she decided that she couldn't stare at it any longer so she closed the lid of her laptop.

It'd been one year since she saw Beca, since _anyone_ saw Beca for that matter. 'Where is Beca Hill?’, and different variations of that same sentence, was the biggest headline on the cover of every gossip magazine for months until they finally came to terms with the fact that Beca Hill didn't want to be found.

Chloe had texted her about two months after she watched her run from the funeral reception. She tapped her screen and brought her phone to life, she clicked on their thread. She'd never gotten an answer and Chloe hadn't messaged her since then.

She couldn't accept that Beca wouldn't talk to her, but she couldn't exactly blame her for not wanting to. She didn't call or text for four years, she didn't go to her wedding, but she showed up to her husband's funeral and decided to check in two months later. It wasn't her place to get upset.

Emily, Stacie, and Amy know where she is, and she suspected that Aubrey might know too. Maybe it was to protect the both of them. Maybe it was for the best.

“Hi everyone, my name is Beverly, but you guys can call me Bev.” Chloe heard the woman say, she sounded familiar, but her voice was low and flat.

She looked up to the small stage and saw a short blonde woman standing in front of the microphone, and a bearded man with a fedora sat at the old wooden piano off the the side. “This is All I Want.”

 

_All I want is nothing more_

_To hear you knocking at my door_

_'Cause if I could see your face once more_

_I could die a happy girl, I'm sure_

_When you said your last goodbye_

_I died a little bit inside_

_I lay in tears in bed all night_

_Alone without you by my side_

 

As soon as the singing started she knew. She knew that voice like the back of her hand, she could pick up on it from miles away in a car on the radio, she knew that voice.

She unconsciously stood from her chair and she walked closer to the stage in between two women's table and she stood in the aisle, obstructing the paths for the waiters and waitresses. She listened to the lyrics and her eyes welled with tears, she blinked them away and sniffled, she refocused on the chorus a second time.

 

_But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?_

_Take my body, take my body_

_All I want is, and all I need is_

_To find somebody, I'll find somebody_

_Like you_

 

“Excuse me.” A girl with a tray of drinks said from behind her. The song had ended and Chloe moved out of the way.

“Sorry.” She mumbled and she walked to the bar. She had been close enough to the stage to know who it was and to confirm that the owner of the voice was who she thought it was.

She spied the blonde hair from her peripheral vision, and she knew that she wasn't just hallucinating. That had been Beca. She was about to turn to her, but she was already back on stage. What was she doing singing in a bar, of all places?

 

****

 

“Ray, let me get a fifth and a water bottle.” She called over to the bartender. He nodded and started getting her her things, she kept her hand in her pocket and thumbed the corner of the receipt. She sat on the stool and she thought silently to herself.

**“You did great.”**

“Thanks, baby.” She muttered and took a sip of the drink in front of her. She wrote that song for him, she thought of him while she was up there, she wanted to burst into tears, but she knew that it would've been a dead give away. She didn't need anyone to know who she was or to know that those songs were about him.

“Beca?” She heard a cautious voice from behind her.

“That's not my name.” She turned around ready to deck whatever reporter that stood behind her, but instead she was presented with wary blue eyes and a nervous smile. “Hi…” she said awkwardly. Chloe was standing in front of her again for the first time since the funeral.

“Hey…” they stood in silence for what seemed like forever. “I thought I saw you, and so here… here I am.” She chuckled nervously and wrung out her hands in front of her.

“So I see.” Beca said, not meaning to sound rude, but it had been years. She only showed up to the funeral, even then she wasn't sure if that was what she needed. “What are you doing here?”

No one knew she went there. She couldn't risk anyone hearing that she sang at that bar, she didn't need the media in her face again, she'd already been traumatized enough when Marco died.

They were both household names, him with his photography, and Beca with her music. When he'd passed, all the news went viral and she was harassed until she changed her mailing address and blocked a few phone numbers. The bar is her only safe place.

“I was just studying, I have a midterm next week.”

“Oh.” Beca said. She finished her drink and she stood. “I can't stay for too long, I gotta… yeah.” She started walking and she grasped the receipt again.

“Wait, I'm leaving too, let me walk you.” She didn't object, she just waited by the door and then they were gone.

 

****

 

“So, you're blonde now.” Chloe said as they walked up the steep hill to where Beca's car was.

“Yep.” She replied curtly.

“What made you change your hair, fake your death, and flee the country?” She joked. It reminded her of what Flo had said before they went to the lodge for the retreat. Beca chuckled and she felt that somewhere in her heart there was hope that she could fix what she broke.

“He always said I'd make a good blonde.” She muttered more to herself than to Chloe. She stared at the turtleneck sweater she wore, it was black with red stripes, it wasn't the Beca she had went to Barden with or crashed celebrity suites with, but she still looked beautiful in it. It was a different time now.

“And Beverly?” She asked carefully, touching an ivy covered fence as they passed.

“Needed an alias.”

“Alias, huh? You join the CIA?” She joked and Beca smirked at her and shook her head.

“If I told you, I'd have to kill you.” They laughed and smiled at each other, but then Beca stopped in front of a black BMW that had it's engine running.

“What are you doing?” Chloe planted herself on the sidewalk.

“It's my driver, I didn't go pioneer, Chlo.” Beca deadpanned and Chloe shook her head. “I'm gonna go…”

“Okay.” Chloe said, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. She wasn't ready to go back to insufferable silence, for a split second everything was how it used to be.

“Did you need a ride somewhere…?” Chloe brightened at those words, but she tried not to make it obvious.

“No, I'm okay-”

“Just get in.” Chloe obliged and she climbed into the car.

 

****

 

Five years. Five years and now Chloe Beale was sitting in her car. Normally she would've declined her offer to walk her and carry on with her night, but she was raised with better manners than that. **“What is she doing here?”** She ignored Marco's voice in her head and she clutched the receipt tighter.

“How's school?” She said rather abruptly, startling Chloe.

“Oh, it's great, just one more semester.”

“That's great.”

 **“Baby, she avoided you for years, what are you doing?”** She balled her hands into fists in her pockets at the sound of his voice.

He was right, she hadn't heard from her in years, and then that totally random text after showing up unannounced to his funeral. What _was_ she doing.

“Well, this is my stop… so.” Chloe interrupted her thoughts and she looked at her.

“Yeah, yeah, of course… have a good night.” She trailed off and stared down at the middle seat. Chloe got out and the driver waited until she went up to the sidewalk. They were about to head off, but the Chloe came running back and knocked on her window. “What's up?” 

“Can…” she breathed out and she timidly smiled at her. “Can I text you?” Beca was surprised, she didn't think she would talk to Chloe again after this one time coincidence, she didn't think she'd want to see her again.

Beca kept mostly to herself, but hearing from Chloe didn't seem all that bad. “Or not, I mean, it's totes okay if you don't want to.”

“Yeah, that… sounds good.” Beca smiled at her, she smiled like she used to.

 **“Come on, are you seriously gonna let her back in? You told me all about her, you're gonna fall off the same cliff twice, and what about me?”** She squeezed her hands tighter and did a good job at keeping a straight face.

“Okay, well, I'll text you.” Chloe laughed outside the car. “Bye, Beca.”

“Bye.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Awes.
> 
> Song used: All I Want by Kodaline, cover by Emma Bale.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really quick, I'm not gonna use huge time jumps like the ones in previous chapters for a while. The timeline is just a year after her husband died and we're just gonna take it bit by bit. You won't know when exactly unless I give you a hint of the time frame or say exactly.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

 

 **“Sing me that one song.”** She sat in her armchair with the TV on as a background noise. She couldn't take the quiet.

“Baby, you know that I know like a million songs right?” She replied back in a sigh as she kept her eyes closed.

 **“That song something about bodies and candy.”** She heard Marco say.

“It's Sunday Candy, baby.” She smiled fondly and cleared her throat.

 

_You gotta move it slowly_

_Take and eat my body like it's holy_

_I've been waiting for you for the whole week_

_I've been praying for you, you're my Sunday candy_

 

She sighed contentedly and then fell asleep with visions of Marco in her mind.

 

* * *

 

Her phone started vibrating on her thigh, she let out a groggy groan and answered without even looking to see who it was. “Hello?”

“Hey, Beca!” It was Emily. She smiled slightly and sat up to stretch.

“What can I do for you?” She yawned and stood to walk to her kitchen.

“Well, all the girls are in town, I thought we would all go to lunch tomorrow I wanted to see if you'd come.” she stopped when she opened her fridge to look at the milk.

 **“Stay here with me tomorrow.”** She could feel his arms wrap around her and his lips press a kiss to the base of her neck. **“We can watch Law and Order, and get Chinese.”**

“Beca?” Emily's voice brought her out of her trance. The warmth disappeared and she was back to cold reality.

“Sure… I'll… I'll be there…”

“You totally don't have to come if you don't want to! I mean, it's cool I get it, you have other things to do, but that is totally fine, no harm done and-”

“Emily!” She laughed into the phone. “I said I'll be there, so I'll be there.” She couldn't disappoint the bright eyed girl. She couldn't disappoint the Bellas.

“Great! I'll send you the deets!” She hummed and she closed the fridge and decided to have a drink. “Oh and Beca?”

“Yeah?” She said as she poured the whiskey into a glass.

“It was nice to talk to you.” She could practically hear her soft smile over the phone.

“You too.”

 

* * *

 

She climbed out of the BMW a block away from the restaurant Emily chose. She wore a red, pink, and blue sweater with a navy blue shirt with white polka dots and shorts. She fixed her blonde hair in the reflection of another cars window and somebody bumped her. “Jesus! Are you even-”

“I am so sorry, I-” they looked at each other and adjusted themselves. “My bad, Beca.”

“It's all good, dude.” Chloe's red hair shined brighter in the sun, it looked like she was on fire from far away, but from up close her brain is so mixed up that she can't even come up with anything else to compare it to. She gave a small smile, she wished she smiled more before. She went back to fixing her hair.

“You look fine, come on.” She huffed out a breath and looked at Chloe.

“They're gonna flip about my hair.” She said as she stepped away from the car.

 **“Hey, if they don't like it, I like it.”** She squeezed her hands shut again and started walking with Chloe.

“Oh, you'll be okay. You, Bree, Jess, and Amy will just look like siblings now.” Beca just nodded and then they reached the small white gate on the side of the patio. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

 **“Don't worry about it, babe.”** She pushed it open and walked to the loudest table in the entire restaurant.

“Beca!” Emily ran to her first and hugged the life out of her. “You came!”

“I said I would so I did.” Beca said over her neck.

“And you're blonde!” All of them then swarmed her and were touching her hair. She felt like she couldn't breathe, her heart rate went up immediately, and she went around grasping for something to hold onto when she found someone's hand.

“Beca!” It was Aubrey's. She looked at her face and realized that everything was a bit much for Beca right now. “Okay! Ladies, ladies, we get it, she's blonde now, leave her alone.”

A thumb swiped over her knuckles and comforted her in her state of panic. But then she realized that Aubrey had gestured to all of them with both hands.

She turned to find where her hand connected and she saw Chloe then her eyes flicked up to meet Beca's and she let go quickly. Beca just took her seat next to Stacie and Chloe sat in the chair next to her.

“Hey, guys.” She said as calmly as possible.

“It's nice to see you, B.” Stacie greeted with a gentle smile. She leaned over and gave Beca a kiss on the cheek, and for the first time she wasn't trying to make Beca uncomfortable.

 **“This is so much better than pay per view.”** She smiled a little harder, trying not to openly laugh at the joke.

“It's nice to see you guys too.” She looked out at the table, but she thought of the last time she saw them all together and her mind went back to that day. She instantly got lost in a daze until Chloe nudge her knee with her finger. She then acted like nothing was wrong and got back to the group.

“Alright, guys, catch me up.” She said looking at all of her friends. They're her friends.

Flo and her brother got their citizenship in order, they are now legal and welcome in America. Amy was doing her new act Fat Amy Schumer now. Bella is about to turn five and Stacie's gym opens in the fall. Jessica and Ashley’s son Landen is four years old now. Aubrey and Unicycle broke up, but she moved to California, she guessed the thought of a beach really does pull you. Beca would be seeing a lot more of her now, she lives close by in her neighborhood.

Cynthia Rose is making bank as a pilot, she and her wife live in Maine, Fat Amy asked if they ate lobster everyday and the answer was no. No one could hear Lilly, except she thought she heard something about pretending to be a cadaver for illegal experimenting somewhere in Korea. Chloe passed her midterm, and shortly after sharing she texted Beca.

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 11:19 AM: hey are you okay??_

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 11:20 AM: yeah_

 

 **“Oh, so she does care.”** She dismissed the voice and dug her nails into the heels of her palms. She looked at Chloe through her peripheral and saw her smile, so Beca smiled back. She couldn't let anyone think she wasn't okay because whatever today was about, it wasn't about her.

“So, Shawshank, other than defacing the Sistine Chapel with blonde hair, what’ve you been doing with your life?” Beca froze. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't say she was singing at a bar under a fake name, or that she hasn't gone out like this in close to two years. What would she say?

“Beca,” Emily started, she gave Beca a reassuring stare, and Chloe patted her knee. “Is actually helping me with a few songs.” All of them eyed Beca, but decided that under her circumstances they couldn't exactly expect more of an answer then that.

“So, I invited you guys here today because…” she stood up and jutted her hand out. “Brady and I… are getting married.” Everyone shrieked and Beca could only smile because there was a shooting pain in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe anymore, like if all the air just disappeared, she didn't know what to do, she was stuck.

“That's great, Em. I'm so happy for you.” She said in an even and smooth voice after everyone settled down. Aubrey and Flo ogled the ring and everyone was telling her that it was about time. Emily cleared her throat and got all the girls to quiet down.

She was marrying her brother in-law. Ex brother in-law? Whatever the name was, she was marrying him. They'd hit it off during all the preparations for Beca's wedding, and now they were getting married.

“So, Beca,” she said looking directly at her bright smile. “You have been so good to me ever since I got to Barden, even when I messed up that riff off unlike _some_ people.” She looked pointedly at Chloe who laughed along with everyone else.

“You really led me to where I am and I wanted to thank you, and also…” she hesitated for a second, but Beca's fake smile never wavered. “I want you to be my maid of honor.” She smiled at Beca, and Beca could understand why. She protected that girl and looked out for her when they moved to LA, Emily looked up to her like a little sister.

 **“Come on, babe, I know you want to.”** She squeezed her hands tighter and smiled wider. It wasn't about her.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “I’d love to.” Emily squealed like a little girl again, but Beca's blood went cold at the thought of organizing wedding things, and seeing Marco's parents again, having to make the speech, and watch the ceremony.

She squeezed her hands tighter. While everyone had asked about the proposal and what date she was thinking, and the color scheme, Beca used the distraction to go to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

She paced in front of the sinks, her hands still clenched in fists, she felt like she was going to explode. She stopped in front of the sink and leaned over propping herself up on her hands. “Another wedding.” She said to herself. “God, another wedding.”

 **“Think about it, it'll be just like old times.”** she felt his hands on her hips, and she closed her eyes letting one tear fall. The bathroom door opened and she quickly pretended to have been washing her hands.

“Hey,” it was Chloe. She stood next to her and she forced eye contact with Beca. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she said as breezily as possible. “I'm fine.”

“I figured that you might be a little overwhelmed-”

“Chloe, I said I was fine okay?” she said as cheerily and totally fine as she could. Chloe took the hint and just nodded. She walked back out to the table, it was about as the same as she left it, meaning that her absence wasn't totally weird or something to be worried about.

When she sat down, she looked at the heels of her palms and realized that her crescents were bleeding again. She sighed and rubbed her hands on her knees, she tried not to look at Chloe knowing that she could read her better than anybody. 

 

****

 

Chloe's heart hurt for Beca. Her heart hurt for herself. Her heart just hurt. The youngest out of all of them was getting married before her, Beca was picked to be the maid of honor and Chloe knew what that would do, and Beca couldn't even look at her anymore. She tried to get Beca to open up just a little about what she felt, or what she had been doing since then, how she was managing these days, but Beca was like Fort Knox.

Through the whole lunch, Chloe watched her, she seemed fine, but Chloe had always been able to feel her and she was not fine. Not even close. As the lunch came to an end, everyone said their goodbyes until their next outing while they were all there.

She said a long bye to Aubrey, but then she was reminded that Aubrey would have her things shipped there in the next two weeks, so she would see her more often. She saw Beca trying to escape and make a run for it, so she walked as quickly, but discreetly, as possible until she caught up with her. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Beca said stopping in front of the car. “What's up?”

“I…” she didn't even have a reason why she chased her down. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out tomorrow… whenever you're free, I mean.” She let Beca chew it over and hoped that she'd say yes, and then Beca smiled just a little.

“Okay, just text me or whatever.” Chloe beamed at her and nodded excitedly. She went over to hug Beca, but she saw how Beca stiffened and she just patted her shoulder.

“I'll text you later.” She forced a smile and let Beca get into her car. As she walked to her car she thought about finding someone. Maybe she would go on a date later in the week, or maybe she'd go to a club and meet someone new. She just needed someone.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used: Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet and The Social Experiment


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short but it's what I have until we start getting into the deeper stuff. Enjoy.

* * *

 

“Beca?” Chloe knocked on her door and adjusted her shirt multiple times. She was so nervous, she knew that behind that door would be Beca, and possibly pictures of Marco everywhere, or a totally chaotic apartment and take out boxes everywhere. She's seen a handful of movies where the widow wears her husband's shirts, and has their pictures everywhere, and never makes dinner anymore, or wears her wedding dress for no reason, so Chloe thought she'd brace herself for the worst. Beca texted her.

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 2:11 PM: just got out of the shower key is on top of the hall light_

 

She wanted to reply with a short joke about needing a step ladder to reach, but she thought it might not be a great idea to tease someone she's trying to find friendship with again. When she retrieved the key, she opened the door and what she saw was completely different than what she imagined. Her condo, for the most part, spotless except for the many papers scattered across the island.

She moved further inside, everything had its place, it was all in order. It smelled like lavender, she spied the vase of daisies, lavender, and other wild flowers sitting on the small table in front of the mirror that hung on the wall in the living room area. The view from the window was wonderful, there was a big grey sectional that made an L shape and a quilt bundled up on the couch next to some pillows. The rug was an old and classic style rug, maroon and with green and yellow designs curving around it.

There was a shelf next to the entertainment center, it had so many coffee mugs on it. All from different states, she picked up one from New York and she thought back to their old Brooklyn apartment, it seemed like eons ago looking back on it now. “Chloe, is that you?” She heard Beca call from somewhere down the hall.

“Yeah.” She left the mug right where she found it and she went to look for Beca. She knocked on what she assumed was her bedroom door. “Beca?”

“Come in.” She turned the knob and walked in, there was no bed. She was about to ask Beca why, but she came out of the closet just in time for Chloe to see her pull a white, orange, and blue wool sweater over her head. She watched her hands pull the hem of the sweater down, but not before she caught a glimpse of the skin just beneath her belly button.

“Sorry, I didn't know you were changing.” Chloe said hurriedly after she saw that Beca was watching her stare.

“You've seen all of me before it's nothing new.” Beca teased with a smirk, but Chloe found that her smirk didn't at all match the tone of her voice. She never realized how much she missed her smug and sarcastic attitude until she's stood in her apartment, not knowing what to talk about with the one person she could talk to for hours.

Beca started to move for the door, Chloe glanced back at the empty spot where a bed should be one more time before she followed Beca out the door. “Gus, off!” she was confused at who Beca had been scolding, but before she could question her, a white and brown corgi jumped down from the bunched up quilt.

“I didn't even see him there!” Chloe animatedly whispered like an awestruck child, she dropped to her knees and waited for Gus to go to her, but he stayed right next to Beca. Chloe pouted, but Beca picked him up and ruffled his fur.

“Don't take it personal, he's… shy.” That was a lie and it was obvious that Beca knew that Chloe knew. No one said anything. Beca put him down and Chloe sadly watched him waddle over to his dog bed next to the window. “Drink?”

“No, thank you.” Chloe followed her to the kitchen. There was a clear glass filled with a darker brown substance that made Chloe wonder if Beca had been drinking in the middle of the day or if she just likes her apple juice with ice cubes in it.

She didn't want to push her boundaries seeming as she didn't know what her boundaries were exactly. She turned to the island and looked over all the papers there. There were so many thick packets and one thick binder. “What are all these?”

“Those,” she began, pointing to one general area on the granite counter. “Are contracts, tour dates, and song offers for Emily, these are NDA’s,”

“Why do you need non-disclosure agreements?” Chloe asked curiously, flipping through the piles and putting them back.

“You see that binder?” Chloe nodded her head. “Open it, if you dare.” She carefully eyed Beca and flipped it open to see that the large binder had dividers for bakeries, florists, tailors and seamstresses, dress shops and tux rentals, car services, decorations, engagement party plans, bachelorette party plans, bachelor party plans, and honeymoon recommendations. Beca had a binder full of wedding things.

“Did you put this together?”

“No, my assistant did.” She took a big drink from her glass and the way she kissed her teeth told Chloe that she wasn't having apple juice.

“What does this have to do with the NDA's?”

“If they meet here, they can leak my location.” Chloe nodded, understanding her desire to be left alone. “So, how is school?” Chloe beamed and shrieked excitedly.

“Graduation is six weeks away!”

 

****

 

Beca leaned back on the couch, the TV was playing and the volume was low, Chloe sat there telling a story about some classmates. **“Is she always this happy?”** She stiffened and she knew that Chloe noticed, so she tried to pass it off as the chills, and it surprisingly worked.

“... and Lina said ‘I'd rather get snuggled by bunnies.’ and I said ‘They _do_ put the 'cute’ in _‘execute’.’.”_ Beca chuckled at the lame joke and she rolled her eyes.

 **“Don't quit your day job.”** She shifted in the quilt and the laughter died down. She wanted to run and hide again. She knew Chloe had questions, and she knew that Chloe would feel awful for making Beca feel awful about asking about Marco. She did nothing, instead she turned toward the TV and focused her energy on whatever was on.

It was strange having company other than Emily and Stacie and Bella. Other than lawyers, publicists, and music execs asking when she'll be back to work. Technically she never left, she's just been _'advising’_ on an already existing album. She stays home, she'll take Gus for a short walk, on the occasion anxiety doesn't eat her alive she'll go to the bar and sing a song or two and then go back home to drink herself half to death.

She wished she could fill the silence with something. If they'd actually had their daughter, maybe it would be endurable. Maybe the sound of her laugh would make Beca feel immensely worse, maybe it would remind her of him in the best way possible. There were so many maybes and ifs, her mind was mostly composed of hypothetical scenarios in which Marco was still alive, and wishes that Marco was still alive. Either way, that is too much wishful thinking and can't possibly be good for her.

She could feel Marco's chin hook over her shoulder and his arm come around her midsection. **“You're hogging the blanket.”** She felt her heart rate quicken and she clenched her hands, but before her nails could dig into her skin again, Gus came and jumped on the couch and licked her hands and her face.

“Someone's excited.” Chloe said, hesitating to reach out and pet him, but she saw Chloe's hand retract back into her lap.

“Yeah…” Beca trailed off and got up to stretch. “I'm gonna go to the bathroom, be right back.” Chloe nodded and smiled, Beca smiled back at her, and she walked down the hall and into the huge bathroom. She walked over to the medicine cabinet and took out her prescription, there were only four left, she needed to get a refill soon.

She'd let it sink in, she knew by the time her body absorbed it, she'd take a nap, but then she remembered that Chloe was still there. She'd have to stay up and socialize, it was only seven thirty there was no reason to take a nap at seven thirty at her age. She walked back out when she was ready, Gus leapt off the couch and Chloe was next to the TV looking at all the mugs.

“Oh! Sorry, I hope you don't mind! I was… I was just looking.” She stepped back from the shelf and Beca just let out a light sigh and smiled.

“It's… it's okay.” she stood next to Chloe in front of the shelf. “I didn't want to go home, so…” she gestured at the entire shelf.

“You bought _all_ of these?” Chloe asked her with wide eyes.

“Yeah…” she looked at all of them, she focused on the one from New York. She lived there for three years, shared an apartment with an unknowing multimillionaire and a bed with a generally oblivious redhead. On a small four day trip a year and four months later, she'd told Marco, and he decided that they would buy eggs and throw them at the window that overlooked the street.

 

……

**“Babe, no, I'm too old for this.” She held a carton in her hands, it was two in the morning on a Wednesday, and she was standing outside of her old broom closet apartment.**

**“Nope, never too old, and I can't throw the first egg, I'll get cursed.” He said flatly.**

**“You'll get cursed?” She asked playfully poking at his ribs. He only gave her a firm nod and she laughed. “Oh really?” she challenged.**

**“Yes, I will get cursed. It must be you that cast the first unborn chicken fetus.”**

**“Oh my God, I will throw one if you never say that again.” She said with all the seriousness she could muster at the moment. He kneeled down and opened the carton like a ring box. She threw the egg and it hit the window right in the middle, but with her luck it shattered and Marco was already running. “Babe!”**

**“We're gonna live forever!”**

……

 

Instead of remembering every time with Chloe and Amy when they'd ventured out to find a new club, she remembered that night with Marco. “I'm sorry, that was probably not a good idea to ask you about that.” She snapped her eyes to Chloe and she nodded as calmly as she could while trying to ignore Gus pawing at her pants.

“It's fine.” she walked to the kitchen and got herself a glass of whiskey. She was well aware that Chloe was watching her carefully and that Gus needed to go outside, so she was quick, she took a sip and she got the leash from coat hanger by the door. She put on sunglasses and a jean jacket. “You wanna come or are you gonna wait here?” Chloe just smiled and met her at the door.

 **“Five years, right, babe?”** She paused before opening the front door. **“You know since she abandoned your friendship and all, just when you needed her too.”** She dismissed Marco's voice and they left the condo to walk Gus.

As they walked down the sidewalk, they stopped for Gus to do his business and Beca looked over to Chloe to see her gnawing at her lip in deep thought. “You okay, Chlo?” Chloe looked up to meet Beca's eyes and she could see the nerves in the cerulean color.

“Yeah, yeah… I just…” she took a deep breath and stood up straight, her stare was full of purpose. “I…” Chloe hesitated and Beca turned her full attention to her, trying to reassure her old friend. “Are you hungry?” She knew that Chloe backed out of whatever she was going to say. She didn't push.

“Yeah, I could eat. Take out?”

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not updating in so long!! I promise I'll try to update more often!
> 
> P.S. we left off after Chloe and Beca hung out, this is the day of the engagement party.

* * *

 

“I'm going.”

 **“What?”** she looked at Marco leaning in the doorway of the closet. **“We’re supposed to watch SVU tonight, you can’t go.”**

“Yeah, babe, I am, and I have to.” She stood in front of the mirror, she stared at the wedding ring on her left hand, then to the scar on her abdomen, and back to her eyes. They were red rimmed and tired, sleep didn't come easy, neither did relief for the last five years either. She pulled her blonde hair back and she fanned herself with her hand as the room became unbearably hot.

 **“You don't have to go.”** She walked out to the kitchen.

“I planned it, Marco.” She grabbed her ears buds from the island and the strap for her phone. “Plus, she's my sister and _he,”_ she said pointedly glaring at him. “Is your brother, so I can't afford to be a drunk mess and watch cop shows until after I see your parents.” Gus ran up and jumped at her legs and nudged her exposed calf with his nose. She let her hand hang and he tried to lick and nibble it into oblivion. Her heart sped up and Gus’ persistence grew increasingly more apparent.

 **“They’re not** **_that_ ** **bad.”**

“I haven't seen or spoken to them in over a year.” She put the strap on her arm and put her ear buds in. “I'll be back soon, come on, Gus!” She grabbed his leash, she put it on, and she went out.

 

****

 

Chloe has never been so irritated with a stranger in her entire life. This was a blind date set up by her classmate, Lina, with a guy whose eyes seemed to only see his phone and nothing else. Of course it was just coffee in a normal coffee shop, and _everyone else's_ eyes seemed to be doing the same, but the very least he could do is treat it like a date and converse with her.

Meeting people was already hard enough as it was, but this just made her want to find a cat and stop trying altogether. Emily's engagement party was a few hours away, she could probably slip out unnoticed. “Hey, I am _so_ sorry, but I have somewhere I really need to be.” he didn't look up from his phone, she just sighed and left. He could pick up the tab.

When she started walking back to her car she noticed that she was in Beca's neighborhood so she decided to swing by.

 

* * *

 

Trying to find her place in Beca's life again was hard. She didn't know how to navigate their friendship if she had to walk on eggshells with most subjects. Chloe had gone over to binge watch with Beca, and she opened the fridge to see that she only had beer and a gallon of milk. She asked and Beca said she just didn't go shopping that week, she dropped it seeing that it was clearly a touchy subject, Beca excused herself to the bathroom and took literally forever, they got through two seasons before Chloe called it a night.

When she got home, she called Aubrey and told her, and she came to find out that a gallon of milk was the last thing her husband ever bought, and she still kept the receipt. So if topics like grocery shopping or the missing bed in her room were going to make her shut down, how were they ever supposed to be close again? Was this karma? Was this punishment for resenting her best friends happiness and marriage?

She was just driving past the park about a block away from Beca's condo, but she saw familiar blonde hair doing sun salutations on the field and a little brown and white blur sitting next to the mat. She pulled into the first parking space and got out of the car.

She never thought that she'd see her even get up from the couch for more than a few hours, let alone willingly do yoga. It was impressive. She watched her get into downward dog, her legs were tan and toned like her abs and back. Her blonde hair shined as it fell into curls escaping her ponytail. She really did look good as a blonde.

Chloe got closer, she saw that she had earbuds in, so she waited until Beca saw her. Beca didn't see her, her eyes were closed, so Chloe dropped her bag, took off her shoes and got into a forward bend. From the forward bend, she followed Beca's transition into a low lunge, then into warrior pose one, back into downward dog, to a high plank, and child's pose.

It was relaxing. Chloe was surprised that Beca still hadn't opened her eyes and saw her doing yoga with her, but if Beca was decompressing then Chloe didn't mind. She'd continue happily doing yoga with her.

She could hear what Beca had been listening to, she didn't recognize the piano, but it sounded like a very powerful ballad. Beca started shifting from child's pose and she'd done the most surprising and unexpected thing. She rose from child's pose and balanced on her forearms, her legs were in a perfect split.

She was glad Beca had her earbuds in so she couldn't hear the very audible gulp that came from Chloe. She was positive that Beca just did not have hip flexors. How could one person be so flexible? The Beca she knew could barely touch her toes. “Oh shit!” Then just like that Beca fell from her pose and Gus ran to her aide. “What the hell, dude?”

“Sorry.” Chloe scrambled to her feet to help her stand. “I didn't want to interrupt, so…”

“Jesus…” she watched Beca hurriedly roll up her yoga mat. “What can I do for you?”

“I was out for coffee, I was around.”

“Were you?” Beca inquired to test if that actually were the truth.

“Yes,” Chloe shoved her and they started their light walk to the edge of the park. “I was.”

“Yeah, yeah… anyone to verify that?” Chloe thought about it as they walked and she scrunched up her face.

“I don't really know, the guy never looked up from his phone.” Beca clicked her tongue and shook her head. That basically summed up Chloe's feelings towards the matter. “So, Gumby, what were you up to?” Beca rolled her eyes and she looked back to make sure Gus was following.

“Em’s engagement party is tonight, so…” she understood. Kind of.

“I see.” from what Emily had explained, she didn't have very much of a relationship with her in law's anymore. “What are you wearing?”

“Not sure, I have like two hours before I go set up.”

“Oh that's right, you're the maid of honor.” Beca just nodded. She thought it'd be better not to question her obvious reasons for not wanting to be the maid of honor, or even go to another wedding, not after everything that's happened. “Anyway I can help?”

“If you can figure out how to make me look like I'm going to a casual engagement party and not the red carpet that'd be great.”

 

* * *

 

Chloe picked a simple black dress with lace sleeves while Beca settled for a short pink dress with white patterns and caramel brown belt. It shocked Chloe as much as the next person that Beca Mitchell _\- Hill, Beca Hill_ \- had anything brighter than dark blue in her closet. _Pink,_ even. Her make up was simple and Chloe helped her put light curls in her hair like she did back when they still lived together. It was nice.

She didn't want to draw too much attention, she said her outfit was 'simple’ but Chloe saw nothing but grace and charm. How could someone be just as beautifully ensnaring after enduring so much pain? Then Chloe thought of that god awful cliché quote ‘Pain is beauty.’ and this time, as grim as the circumstances were, it seemed fitting. “Are you ready?” She asked. The look on her face said no, but her mouth betrayed her.

“Yeah.” she stood from the chair and she was quickly followed and nipped at by Gus. “Come on, boy.” She said softly. She followed Beca out to the living room and watched her get his leash.

“You're bringing him?” She asked incredulously. Beca looked at her with a nervous expression and nodded rapidly.

“Yeah, he…” she trailed off and cleared her throat. “He's a service dog.” She admitted quietly. She didn't seem like she wanted to elaborate what type of service dog he was, but Chloe decided she would explain when she was ready.

“Oh, okay.” She watched as an easy smile graced her lips. She followed her out the door and locked it behind her.

“Shit, I forgot to ask you, but can we take your car?”

“Sure,” Chloe said brightly. “But… can I ask why?” she bit her lip waiting for Beca to say she didn't want to talk about it like she usually did.

“I just don't want to be seen arriving in my car to Em's engagement party… I'll stick out like a sore thumb.” she looked down with blush tinting her cheeks, adding a red hue to the tops of her ears. “Sorry, it's dumb.” She tried to walk away, but Chloe caught her by her shoulder.

“Becs, anything you could possibly say to me is not dumb.” She stared into titanium blue eyes and bored into them as if time stopped. “I'll be right there if it's any help.” She said in a tone no higher than a whisper.

“Thanks.” She saw the raw emotions in her eyes, she saw a rush of tears, but Beca being Beca cleared her throat and tried to hide her eyes from her. “We should go.”

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long, but here it is, we're at the engagement party now.

* * *

 

As they pulled up, they immediately took note of the swarm of paparazzi waiting outside. “Shit.” Beca mumbled as she leaned her seat all the way back.

“What are you doing?” Chloe asked, deciding to drive around to the back.

“If they see me, I'll never hear the end of it.” Beca answered. Chloe understood, it was probably more annoying and upsetting than endearing now that Marco was gone. She pulled up next to the back entrance and she pulled out her phone. “What are you doing?” she looked through contacts, through the 'B’ section and she dialed.

“Hey, what's up? Are you almost here? The party’s starting, where's Beca?”

“Hey, Bree, yeah, I have her here, but there was paparazzi at the entrance, so we came around back. Can you come let us in?” she unbuckled her seatbelt and killed the engine.

“Yeah, I'll be right there.” She hung up and waited. Beca lifted her seat back up, and unbuckled herself, and looked out the window.

“You…” Beca took a deep breath and Gus jumped up to the front seat and curled up in her lap. “You didn't have to do that, I would've figured something out.” Chloe knew that wasn't true, but she didn't call her on it, she just smiled softly.

“It's okay, I don't mind.” then Aubrey knocked on her window. She sighed and clenched her eyes shut and she opened her door. Chloe caught her by her elbow first before she got out. “I'm here, okay?” A ghost of a smile flashed across her face and she nodded.

 

****

 

Beca paced in front of the mirror in the bathroom. It'd been on the way to the banquet hall, she'd made a stop, not quite ready to see the same faces that attended her own wedding. **“You can do it, babe, it's just like breathing.”** She laughed bitterly at herself, and she glanced at Marco in the corner of the bathroom.

“This is the women's, you know that right?” she leaned against the sink and Marco sauntered over, putting his hands on her hips. It was such an inconvenient time for him to be there. She opened her eyes again and she was alone. She sighed and decided it was time to make an appearance.

Beca walked out of the bathroom and she focused on the sound of her heels on the wood floor, two security guards opened the double doors for her, all the chatter stopped, everyone looked at her, she felt a lump in her throat, but conversations continued, and she kept walking. She had been waiting for the words 'hermit’, and 'recluse’, to be said, for the one word that plagued her mind and was immediately stuck to her name after it happened. 'Widow’, but surprisingly she didn't need to expect anything. No one recognized her.

She made her way over to the Bellas first. “Beca!” Emily was the first to run over, she caught her in a hug, and as warming and welcoming as it probably was supposed to be, it felt more suffocating than anything. “You made it!”

“Well, yeah, you can't really have the engagement party without the maid of honor.” she joked. She made her rounds and hugged each one of them, she was met with a distraught Emily. “Hey, what's up?”

“I'm just really sorry about the mess out front, I didn't think that they'd be here, and I mean it's pretty dumb on my end because, like, I'm getting married! So it's a really big deal, and I'm sorry I didn't warn you before, I know you had to come in through the back and-”

“Em,” Beca put a hand on her shoulder and calmed her movements. “It's fine, I'll leave out the back too, I can handle mine, okay?” Emily's eyes still looked worried. “You just focus on having a good time, alright?” She smiled and nodded, Beca excused herself from the group and she made her way to the head table to set her things down.

“Long time, no see.” She took a deep breath and turned around to greet whoever it was behind her. Marco's grandmother, Manuela. “Hi, bebita.” she didn't expect her grandmother in-law to be as warm and welcoming as she was after all the silence, but she was swept into her arms.

She smelled like Chanel No.5 and her arms felt familiar and safe. “It's so good to see you, mija.” she found comfort in the older woman's heavy accent, it reminded her of a time not so long ago to where her voice was a constant in her life. She rubbed her shoulders and let Beca out of her tight embrace.

“It's good to see you too, mamá.” She'd learned Spanish after marrying Marco, she decided it'd be better to adapt rather than always ask what everyone was talking about.

“We missed you so much, mija, especialmente Adriana.” Adriana was Marco's cousin, they'd bonded really closely, she was like mini version of Beca, music was their thing. “Pero,” she'd forgotten she'd been in a conversation with Manuela until she spoke up again. “I'll let you do what you need to do, but I better see you for café y leche on domingo.” she nodded and smiled, thankful that after all this time she hadn't grown to hate her.

“Okay, mamá, enjoy the party.” She called back. When she made it to the front of the room, she caught a glimpse of Marco's mother and father. Guilt settled in her stomach, and then she felt lips grazing the shell of her ear.

 **“It's okay, babe, you'll be fine.”** She reluctantly opened her eyes again, feeling Gus nudge her calf with his nose. He whined and looked up at her, but her head snapped up immediately at the sight of Marco's brother standing in front her.

 

****

 

Chloe's eyes wandered around the room, trying to find Beca, she'd disappeared almost as soon as she'd greeted everyone. “So, is Beca gonna be okay?” Cynthia Rose asked from her left. Chloe hesitated in answering. She really didn't know how tonight was going to go down, but she tried to be positive and optimistic.

“I'm not sure, but let's hope for the best.” She smiled and then she found her. Her heart stopped, she saw her head snap up to whoever was standing before her, she saw her body go rigid, and she was ready to save her from the situation. “Hey, Bree?” She waved her over. “Who is that?”

“That's Emily's fiance, Brady.” She noticed how Aubrey's smile faltered and she watched her contemplate whatever she was going to say next. “He was his brother.” She didn't have to say his name for Chloe to know who she was talking about.

No one ever really said his name anymore, like the name Marco was some sort of curse after what had taken place that day. She watched them talk, Beca seemed like she needed an out, and Chloe couldn't help but notice Gus’ restlessness. She could only imagine the excuse Beca had given him for cutting their interaction short as she watched her walk away with Gus at her heels. She wondered what was happening in her head, but then she found herself unconsciously walking over to her.

“Hey,” Beca stopped and looked at her. Chloe felt incredibly awkward, realizing she had no plan at all. “You okay?” She inwardly kicked herself for how lame that sounded.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” She nodded and let her continue on her way. Chloe knew better than to push, it wasn't her place anymore, but _damn_ how she wanted to.

 

* * *

 

Chloe listened while Flo held a conversation with the groom-to-be’s grandmother, it was completely in Spanish, Chloe didn't understand anything, but she could tell it was going over fine by all the laughing and fast talking.

Beca was everywhere, and then _nowhere,_ no one had seen her for close to twenty minutes, and she was the maid of honor. Normally, she would think that would be considered pretty unreliable and rude, but given the reasoning behind it, it was necessary for her to have breaks. “Excuse me,” everyone stopped talking and looked up from their plates.

Beca stood at the front of the room with a microphone in her hand. “Hi, so, many of you don't know me, I’m Alice,” Chloe was confused when she heard Beca use her middle name. She never used her middle name for anything, she didn't even like to tell people, and now she was telling almost a hundred people her middle name. She looked around their table and they all seemed to share a similar thought.

“I've been friends with Emily for most of our lives…” Chloe immediately shut out her voice and the cogs in her brain started turning. What did she mean she'd known Emily for most of their lives? She met her the same day she did. Why was she lying to all the guests right now? What was she even talking about?

“... so when she told me they were getting married, I was like 'Wait a minute… to alien guy?’,” she'd completely missed the 'alien guy’ story. “I honestly couldn't have been more thrilled because she's _way_ out of his league, so they wouldn't have any trust issues.” Everyone laughed, except for the confused Bellas table.

“No, no, but really. I'm really happy for you two, now let's get this party started, shall we?” The music started and all the Bellas shared a look.

“I know.” They all said simultaneously. Beca disappeared again, but then Emily appeared at their table.

“Pretty funny speech, huh?” She said. All of them hummed and half-heartedly agreed.

“Yeah, it was…” Chloe trailed off. “So… why did Beca-”

“Tell a fake story?” Emily asked. She leaned in closer so all of them could hear. “Because no one knows _Beca's_ here.” Her explanation made sense, one part of Chloe understood but the other part of her knew that it wasn't a healthy thing to do. She couldn't hide forever. “Anyways, have fun! Go dance! I'm getting married at least try to have fun!” She joked. They all joined their younger sister on the dance floor, but Chloe kept an extra eye out for Beca.

 

****

 

“Breathe, Beca, breathe.”

“Rebeca,” Beca turned around quickly to see her livid mother in-law. “After _months_ of silence, I tried to empathize with you, tried to understand you, but with that speech you just gave I see that you've just forgotten my son.” That insinuation hurt Beca more than she'll willingly express, but in the moment she was aggravated and anxious. She felt like a cornered animal.

“You just acted like he never existed. You even used a fake name and fake story!" She exclaimed with great disdain. "You didn't deserve my son's love and you _do not_ deserve my sympathy.” Beca was filled with rage. She never asked for his mother's approval or understanding, in fact she distinctly remembers the exact conversation with Marco and how he wasn't willing to give up his happiness for his mother's.

She didn't even bat an eye when his mother stood when the priest said 'If anyone believes these two should not be wedd, speak now or forever hold your peace.’, they were happy and in love, and she couldn't stop that.

“And we were _perfectly_ fine with that arrangement.” Then there was sudden burning on her cheek after a resounding smack sounded through the air. She put her hand up to where his mother hit her and she watched her fight off the guilt and storm off in the other direction. She could not believe her mother in-law just smacked her.

 

****

 

Chloe had watched Flo dance with the grandmother to a few Selena songs that she would listen to from time to time, she didn't understand a lot of it, but she did know that 'baila’ means 'dance’. Then she watched Emily and Brady dance, they danced to some older music like Angel Baby by Rosie and the Originals or The Way You Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra. Her eyes the wandered over to the bar, where Beca had stayed ever since her fake speech. She looked completely detached from the party, and Chloe couldn't tell if it was the lighting or if the red mark on Beca's cheek had always been there.

The DJ changed the song to one of Chloe's all time favorites by Etta James. At Last started playing, there was a loud shatter and she looked at Emily's and Brady's faces, they seemed absolutely horrified, they ran up to the booth and then the song stopped playing and the DJ made a _not so_ smooth transition into Jailhouse Rock.

Chloe looked over to the bar to see Beca on her knees on the floor, she quickly made her way over. She found that the source of the loud shattering sound was Beca, she'd dropped her glass. “Let me help, Becs.” She tried to brush her hands away, but Beca shook her head.

“No, I got it-” she shifted and was thrown off balance, she nearly toppled over, but she caught herself with her hand, but it pressed against the small pile of glass. “Fuck!” Emily and Aubrey came over fast, and Gus kept nudging her shoulder. Aubrey stood her up and Emily was telling Brady to get a broom.

“Chlo, get her hand cleaned up.” Aubrey said, Chloe did as she was asked, and Gus' paws padded behind them as they walked to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

Chloe flicked on the light in Beca's apartment. She guided her through, she was absolutely trashed. It shouldn't have came as a surprise, but Chloe's heart still hurt for the girl. She had to wrap gauze around her hand after she picked out the glass from her cuts. “Gonna go put my 'jamas on.” Beca slurred, trying to get out of Chloe's grip on her waist.

“No, no, let me help.” She stopped her and helped her through the apartment. She made the first stop to her bedroom, she walked into her closet and looked through the drawers for pajamas.

Chloe opened one, she immediately saw the matching 'Bitch 2’ t-shirt Amy had gotten her to match her 'Bitch 1’ t-shirt. She laughed and reminisced on the golden days when they took on New York as an inseparable trio. She let go of the nostalgia for a moment and picked out her Late Night With Seth Meyers t-shirt and some gray sweats. She thought it was extremely surreal that she had a t-shirt of a talk show she'd actually been a guest on. She got over her amazement and returned to her inebriated friend.

When she walked back out she saw Beca sitting criss cross on the floor, asleep, leaning against her vanity. Her heart rate picked up and she couldn't help but reach out to brush the hair back behind her ear. “Hey, wake up, sleepyhead, we still have to brush your teeth.” Beca just grunted and got up to follow her into the bathroom.

As she finished brushing her teeth, Chloe had gotten out her makeup wipes and started to clean her face. Beca just let it happen, she didn't fight it like she used to, she just let it, and Chloe's eyes watered at the absent look in her eyes. Sometimes she wonders if she hadn't disappeared would the light and vibrance still be there. She dismissed the thought and threw away the used wipe. “All done.” Beca just rose from the stool and walked out to the living room. She laid down and covered herself, Chloe took a seat on the armchair, deciding she wouldn't leave until morning just in case. “Goodnight, Becs.”

“I begged him to stay,” her voice was hoarse and serious. Chloe could hear the thickness in her voice, and the sniffling. “When he walked in, every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him.” Chloe's eyes began to fill, she felt like she shouldn't be hearing this, she shouldn't be hearing how much her best friend loved her late husband, but she sat there and listened with a heavy heart.

“And I loved him.” Chloe let her tears free, she let them roll silently down her cheeks. “I loved him, I loved him, and I loved him. I still love him.” she sobbed. Chloe heard Gus walk over and lay next to the hand that hung off the couch. “He was like you.” She yawned and then she fell asleep, leaving Chloe to decipher what she'd just said.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end where Beca talks about Marco is taken out of the monologue at the end of National Anthem: by Lana Del Rey
> 
> What'd you guys think?
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poetry is mine.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

“Hey, Becs… I was just calling to tell you the ceremony is a two o'clock if you can still make it… I'll keep an eye out for you…” she hung up to keep herself from saying 'I love you’ like she used to when she'd leave messages. It'd been three weeks since Emily's engagement party that anyone had spoken to Beca.

Chloe hadn't spoken to Beca since the morning after when Beca woke up. She didn't remember telling Chloe that she was just like her husband, Chloe made breakfast, or _ordered_ breakfast since Beca had forgotten to go grocery shopping. Beca walked her out and said she would call her later. She didn't. She disappeared again. Chloe tried not to take it personally because Emily's engagement party must have been excruciatingly painful.

“Hey, we're lining up.” Her classmate peeked out of the door that led to backstage.

“Okay, thanks.” She turned off her phone and put in her pants pocket. She put her cap on and tried to think of her accomplishments instead of Beca.

 

****

 

Beca sat in her car a little while longer. She decided she would drag herself to Chloe's graduation ceremony. She wanted to support her friend, she'd worked hard to get there, and she did. When they were on the tour, Chloe was there all the way supporting her, so it was her turn to return the favor even if she'd rather stay in and drink her life away.

She actually seriously contemplated just moving back to Seattle with her mom, she hated being in LA. Everything reminded her of Marco, she could still hear him and feel him as if he'd never left, his memory was there at the most inopportune time, she couldn't heal under these circumstances anymore.

She wanted to scream and yell, she wanted to tell Emily she couldn't do her wedding because it hurt, and tell the Bellas she was sorry for losing touch for so long, and tell his mom that she was sorry she wasn't good enough, and tell Marco that she loves him one more time, she wanted to say all these things, but she couldn't without losing the last piece.

Even if the only piece she could keep was the intense pain, she wouldn't trade it for anything if it meant she could keep him just a while longer. Just until she was done. **“Might as well get it over with, we don't have to sit here any longer.”** Marco grumbled. Beca didn't answer, she just opened her car door and left.

 

* * *

 

“Chloe Beale.” Everyone clapped loudly, including Beca and Aubrey. She watched Chloe's figure walk across stage and shake her professor's hand and accept the diploma, but not before doing a high kick and yelling 'Hell yeah!’.

“I'm so proud of her.”

 **“Yeah, I bet you are.”** Marco said bitterly. Beca clenched her jaw and ignored him.

“Me too.” Aubrey smiled widely at her and wrapped her arm around her shoulders for a quick squeeze.

 

****

 

“Congratulations, _Dr. Beale.”_ Aubrey gave Chloe a tight hug, she hadn't been able to see from the stage, but Aubrey said she'd be there. But it hadn't been Aubrey she was looking for.

“Thanks, Bree.”

“No more tests!” Chloe laughed and through her fists in the air. They made small talk about how far she'd come and more sentimental things, but then Aubrey had to leave for a meeting. “I'm so sorry, I have to go, but I'll be around sometime.”

“Okay, see you!” She kissed her cheek and then she walked off to the parking lot. She started to take off her cap and gown, but she stopped in the middle of the parking lot when she saw a blonde leaning up against her car in a blue and yellow tartan skirt and white blouse.

“Beca!” She wasted no time running to her. When their bodies collided, and Beca's arms wrapped around her, it felt like coming home after spending months away. It felt like coming into the front gate and getting tackled by her family’s dog Odis during Thanksgiving break. She was home. “You came!” when she heard and felt Beca’s laugh against her chest she couldn’t suppress the smile clawing its way up.

“Of course I did you weirdo,” she pulled away and assessed Beca’s appearance. She didn’t look too good, she could see the faint shadows of dark circles, and her eyes were slightly red and tired. “You think I’d miss it?” Chloe’s smile fell, as did Beca’s, and she cleared her throat to make the air breathable again. “What are you doing right now?” Chloe shrugged and shook her head.

“Not a darn thing, I only had this planned for the day.” Beca smiled, but again, it didn’t reach her eyes.

“You’re coming with me.” Beca silently requested her keys and got into the driver's seat. When she started the car, she looked over at Beca and she realized that today was the first time in five years that she  _really_ felt like there was hope for their friendship.

 

* * *

 

The two women sat comfortably in dim lit poetry café near Beca's apartment. They'd already ordered, made small talk, but instead of the lengthy conversations that would drag into their meal, it was filled with stolen glances and nervous finger tapping. She could tell it's different now, it's not how it usually is when someone hasn't seen their best friend in years because they hadn't had _any_ actual contact like regular long distance best friends do. She couldn't help but blame herself for their falling out. Maybe she could've helped ease the pain when Marco died, or maybe she could've been the reason they didn't meet. It just felt like they were living on different planets.

She wondered what it was like at first after losing Marco, or how she healed, and how many hours it took before she actually fell asleep or how many hours it took for her to get out of bed. She wondered if she'd written anything about him and if she still dreamed about him, and what type of service dog Gus is and why she needs him.

She wondered so many things, she knew things change, but she never thought that the changes would be so drastic, and that she would feel like she'd never met the woman she would call her best friend at one point in time. “You can ask me questions if you have them.” Beca said, tearing Chloe away from her thoughts. Chloe pressed her lips together and laid her hands over each other on the table.

“I was just…” she focused her eyes on the salt shaker. “What was it like?” she watched Beca work through the internal barriers in her mind before sitting up and looking at Chloe.

“Well,” Beca took a deep breath and ran her fingers along the rim of her glass. “When I met him, it was like I knew he was gonna mean something big, almost larger than life,” she rolled her lips together and closed her eyes as if she were visualizing the specific day it happened. She probably was. “And after we got married… it just…” she stopped talking and she opened her eyes. They looked panicked and distraught, Chloe immediately wished she could take back the question.

“I'm sorry-”

“I'll be back.” Beca stood from the table and nearly ran to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

Chloe watched their food, feeling the unease seeping into the lining of her skin. She shouldn't have asked about Marco, she knew she wasn't ready, she knew that it would hurt, and it would feel like throwing salt in the wound, but she just wanted to feel her like she used to. She heard the feedback of the microphone and speaker, open mic was about to start, but she did even bother looking up. “And I remember,” the voice echoed off the walls and Chloe looked up to find Beca standing on stage, holding her phone in front of her.

“The way light refracted through you. You glowed with bold color, leaving vivid pigment in your wake, making the bland as bright as the zeal in your heart.” She could see her fingers twitching at her side, which meant she was nervous.

“Like a stained glass window, with all your carefully mismatched colors and shapes that never clashed, you were the epitome of charisma. And when the sun rose, and I rolled over to see you, you had the sunrise painted across your face and your sleepy smile was tinted in the loveliest shade of love.” She let the word hang in the air and Chloe felt the oxygen leave her body.

“It was like a dream, and all I ever did was try to solve the images depicted in different styles, making myself question the artist behind the masterpiece.” Her words were like a secret message for Chloe to figure out, she was telling her about her husband in the only way she could, but Chloe didn't know that the only way was with poetry.

“Your lips would kiss me with lavender, and when there was nothing but blue, we made a new color.” She lifted her left hand up to her cheek and closed her eyes, Chloe watched her intently with tears welling in her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Your touch was a pink hue, and passion was a brilliant crimson.” Her voice was thick and Chloe was crying. When Beca opened her eyes, she saw the anguish inside.

“But when the light of my eyes withered away, my existence became a gray haze, I spent hours wading through the shards,” she rolled her lips and looked up so she wouldn't cry. She looked right at Chloe, and when she did a new onslaught of tears streamed down her face.

“Then the veil was drawn back and when my reflection appeared I was alone.” She stopped and walked off the stage abruptly, ending her poem, the patrons clapped, and when she got back to their table, Chloe stood up and Beca ran into her arms, and she wept.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr on my Bechloe account
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper
> 
> And the poetry is from my poetry account
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/returntojupiter


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had a good holiday.
> 
> It's been a while but here it is, there's a second half to this chapter, it's coming along, I'll try not to keep you waiting as long.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

A few weeks after Chloe’s graduation, after writing a poem about her husband and crying in Chloe's arms like she had in college, and after ending the night with a big hug, seeing as physical affection was allowed again, it was only fitting to attend Chloe's thirty-second birthday party.

The room was loud, she sat on the couch, a few Bellas in attendance were scattered around her as Amy told a wild story, just like they had in college, and Beca felt extremely out of her element. **“Maybe we can slip out early, I'm sure they'll understand you don't feel well.”** She ignored him again and tried with all she had to listen to Amy.

 **“I could really do without the cold shoulder you know.”** She still said nothing, instead she dug her fingernails into the leather of the couch cushion.

 **“You've been really distant lately, please, if it was something I did tell me what I can do to fix it.”** she got up and walked to the door. As soon as she had her purse from the coat rack, she was out the door and down the hall to the elevators.

June seventh is Chloe's birthday. June _seventeenth_ is their anniversary. This time of year was always harder than it needed to be. Before it would just remind her that she and Chloe weren't friends anymore, but after Marco it was a large neon sign that reminded her that she was alone and didn't have a husband anymore.

**“Talk to me, Beca.”**

“Hey, where you going?” She turned around and saw Chloe walking toward her, wrapping herself up in a sweater.

“I just needed…” she paused and looked at her face, seeing the slight concern, but for the most part disappointment over the fact that she'd been leaving, and she asked Beca where she was going, and Beca was going to say she needed _blank._ She didn't know what she needed. “I just needed…”

“Some air?” Chloe suggested. Beca nodded and just stared at the woman. “Yeah, me too.” She walked past her and Beca didn't follow, she just walked in the same direction next to her. She _wasn't_ following.

 **“Great, the birthday girl is alone, we can just say bye to her and not have to worry about the rest!”** Marco cheered. **“Aren't you glad that you have the smartest husband in the world?”**

“Had.”

“What?” Chloe asked. Beca cleared her throat and tugged at her sleeves, not wanting to tell her anything about Marco.

“Nothing-”

“Bec, you're not as sly as you were back at Barden, what's up?” She stopped and Beca stopped too, she looked for an out, so she pressed the button for the elevator.

“Isn't it weird for the birthday girl to leave her own party?” Beca asked to distract her.

“Beca.” It didn't work. “What's going on inside that head of yours?” She hesitated but then the elevator arrived.

“I just talk to myself sometimes,” she coughed and rolled her lips. “Just an old habit, I guess.” Chloe nodded, taking the half truth for what it was and she didn't press. Thank God she didn't press. “Well, I'm gonna get going. Happy birthday, Chlo.”

“Wait,” Beca stopped half way in, she looked at Chloe through her side eye and cleared her throat again. “I'll see you again, right?”

“Yeah,” Beca sighed. “Of course.” She tried to go in, but she felt fingers at the bend of her elbow.

“Can I get a hug?” She turned around and looked into Chloe's eyes for a moment. She smiled softly and nodded, Chloe didn't hesitate wrapping her arms around the shorter girl, and Beca hugged her back just as hard but she let go as fast as it started, but Chloe wouldn't let her go. “Thank you for coming.”

“It's not a big deal.” She said absently as she watched Marco stand behind Chloe with his angry face.

 **“Wow, Rebeca.”** The sound of his voice left a sour taste in her mouth and she suddenly felt nauseous.

“Yes, it was. I'm glad you could come and I'm glad we're friends again.” she held her at an arm's length away, and looked at her, forcing eye contact.

“Me too.” She stepped away, still staring back at Chloe. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Becs.”

 

* * *

 

“Beca? It's Aubrey.” She rolled off the couch and threw her blanket over the empty bottle on her couch. It was June twelfth.

“Hey, Aubs.” She let her in, she had many grocery bags with her, Beca inwardly groaned and rolled her eyes. Of course, it was like her friend to do this, normally she wouldn't mind, but she knows why she's doing it. She loves Aubrey and all she's done for her, but she really wanted to be alone.

“I bought groceries.” she sat all the bags down and started putting things where they go.

“So I see...” Beca began to help, only to get rid of her sooner. “What brought about this random gesture?”

“I can't bring my best friend groceries?” she chuckled and said nothing more about it.

 **“How thoughtful, look she even made sure to get your favorite French vanilla creamer.”** She let out a shaky breath and finished putting away groceries.

“How's the move been?” Beca leaned against the counter and watched as Aubrey finished putting the water bottles in the fridge.

 **“You used to get** **_so_ ** **mad when I'd forget to do that.”**

“It's been good, I've been looking for a job somewhere, I’ve seen saw a few secretary positions at a few law offices here.”

“Oh yeah? You thinking about going for one of em’?” She stood across from Aubrey and watched the way her face dismissed the idea. She knew it was because she didn't really want it.

“No, I don't think it's for me, I mean I'm organized and determined and everything, but I just don't want to be the one who schedules meetings and luncheons all day you know?”

Beca smiled softly and looked at the ground before looking back up to her green eyes. She knew her friend like the dimensions of a Top Ramen cup.

“Yeah, I get it.” Beca pushed off the counter and grabbed a glass. “Can I get you anything? Hungry? Thirsty?”

“No, thank you, but if you weren't busy, I just wanted to hang out.” She stood in front of her with her hands nervously clasped together in front of her. “Like ol’ times.”

**“Make sure you watch from season one again, she won't remember where you left off.”**

“Yeah,” she sighed and rolled her shoulders. “Okay, sure.”

 

* * *

 

It was June fifteenth, the squeaking chains echoed through the park, and every few minutes the same little brunette boy ran past Beca and Stacie on the bench. It'd been too long since they'd spent any real time together. Almost two months if she really wanted to be honest with herself, but in her mind it'd only been a few weeks.

“Auntie B, you said you'd play with me!” Bella stood in front of her with her arms crossed over her chest and a pout fixed on her face. The Conrad women sure had one hell of a pouty face.

“Bells, sweetheart, I know what I said, but I'm just so tired, but I promise when we leave we can have ice cream, sound good?”

 **“Go and play with the girl, you're basically her second mom, don't be lame.”** She cleared her throat and looked at Bella with a serious expression and her pinky finger out.

“Do you know what this is, Bella? It's a pinky promise, and if I break it you get to break my pinkies.” Bella wasn't following.

“So I promise to get you ice cream because I don't want you to break my pinkies.” The small girl laughed and nodded as she hooked pinkies with Beca. “Okay, go play.” she ran off and Stacie shifted next to her.

“Stay where I can see you please!” she sighed and looked at Bella. “It's not fair, you can just say and she does. I can barely get her to let me _pee_ by myself, how do you get her to leave you alone?”

“I don't know, just luck or something.” She pushed her Ray Bans back up her nose and leaned back on the bench.

“No, she adores you, girl.” Stacie bumped her shoulder and looked at her with a small smile. “You know I have to threaten to call Auntie B when she doesn't behave?” Beca's face screwed up and she looked at Stacie with confusion.

“You never call me for that stuff.”

“Exactly!” Stacie threw her hands up and laughed with disbelief. “Just the mention of you alone gets her to jump when I say jump, she loves you so much.”

**“You should go play with her. She won't be little that long, before you know she'll have her own kids.”**

“That's cute.”

“You’re gonna make one helluva mom, B.” then everything stiffened, and it was as if the entire park stopped talking. “Beca, I am so sorry, I-”

“It's okay, it's whatever, it's fine, Stacie.” She got up and walked over to the small tunnel Bella was hiding in.

**“You know she didn't mean that, babe.”**

“Hey, little girl!” She ignored Marco and bent down to look inside the tunnel.

“Auntie B!”

“What are you up to, huh?”

 

* * *

 

Her heart beat hard under her chest, begging Beca to slow down. It was June sixteenth. **“Woah, we training for a marathon?”**

“Shut up.” Beca grumbled. She inclined the treadmill to its last setting, she'd been running for close to an hour.

 **“Holy shit, two words! Can I buy a vowel?”** Beca rolled her eyes and kept running and Gus kept barking. The sweat rolled down her skin and the timer for her run time started to count down and the treadmill started to decline back to it's regular position.

Her breathing was labored and she could finally feel the sting in her legs when someone knocked on her door. She wiped her face with a towel and unlocked her door.

“Hi, I have a delivery for you, if you'll just sign here…” she took the digital pad and gave it back. “Now I just need to see your I.D., this is a lot of Jack, you celebrating?” She flashed him her I.D. with her fingers blocking her name and put on a tight lipped smile.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Birthday, bat mitzvah, bachelorette?” he brought in a crate with six bottles and started setting them out on the island.

“Anniversary, actually.”

“Oh, well, congratulations! You have a great day now.”

“You too.”

 

* * *

 

_Amy (to Beca) 10:03 AM: Shawshank you know I'm usually not up at this hour, but I wanted to see if you were already up and about. Are you up for a quick flight to Paris or do some serious binge watching?  Let me know. Love you._

 

_Legacy (to Beca) 11:12 AM: hey sis I just wanted to check in on you. I know you don't talk to anyone on this day, but I just wanted you to know that I'm always here for you *heart emoji*_

 

It was finally June seventeenth.

 

_Stacie (to Beca) 12:20 PM: hey B I know you don't want to talk to anybody right now but me and Bella have a totally free day if you want to hang out. I'll be here. *heart emoji*_

 

It was pretty much routine for her to receive her family's best wishes on June seventeenth. It started on the original day, as she looked through the card box, all the ones saying 'I’m so proud of you’ and 'I hope all your days are as happy as this one’, just all of their kind words really made her so giddy and happy. They also came on their anniversary one year.

 

_Aubs (to Beca) 1:01 PM: Hey, Beca, I was just thinking about you and I wanted you to know that I'm always here whenever you need me. To laugh, or cry, or scream, or even to just say nothing and stare at each other. I love you and I'm here. Call me._

 

Now they came on their anniversary, and his birthday. It only left a bitter taste in her mouth, one that couldn't be washed down with Jack or calmed with her medication. Even Gus had no idea how to be around her. She wasn't too far gone.

 

_Dad (to Beca) 2:17 PM: Hi, sweetheart, I was just reading that poem you wrote for me when you were in seventh grade, the one about the maple tree? I found it in the attic. I know that this time of year can be hard for you, Bec, but I'm always here for my girl. Sheila sends her best and I miss you and we love you._

 

She was too far sad.

 

_Mom (to Beca) 3:00 PM: My precious Beca girl, I wanted to let you know that today doesn't have to be sad. It could be a day to remember and honor him. He really was a great man and we were all devastated to see him go, but we were more devastated to see your bright self disappear. I know you like to be left alone and to do today alone, but there are some things in life that require the help of the people that love you. Let us help you, baby._

 

She had so many people to confide in, so much love around her to last her years, but not enough to fill the void that she still felt. Life had given her the sourest of lemons it could've offered, her marriage turned sour, her friendships turned sour, her career turned sour, and she let it. She wouldn't dare turn it into anything resembling lemonade because all that was left was the unwanted seed inside.

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 4:10 PM: hey_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still Beca's and Marco's wedding anniversary, this chapter is severely angsty so you've been warned.
> 
> Sorry that it's been a while, but you know, life.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

She felt the sun hot on her face and the sweat coming from her pores, as her left foot fell another time on the sidewalk in front of her right foot. The air barely moved and the silence before the next track seemed a little longer than it usually did. Beca thought perhaps the universe was taking a moment of silence for her dead husband, that it felt the anguish in the soles of her feet as she ran, and for that she was thankful.

It was a nice day out in her old neighborhood. She noticed that the old couple on the corner before turning onto their street, Mr. And Mrs. Hartshorn, had moved out and been replaced with a large family of five. She hoped that they were alright, that they were both still living and breathing. The pesky tree that grew obnoxiously close to the stop sign had finally been cut down and a small bush had taken its place.

Their home still stood between the Ruiz’s and the Alan’s like when they'd moved in. She looked at the house, the paint was still the same, the landscaping was still being managed, and there was still a for sale sign next to the shrub at the edge of the sidewalk, but it was missing their Subaru in the driveway. She looked at the skeleton of her old marriage and she felt like somebody had stabbed her right in the chest. She then put her earbud back in and ran back to her car.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning, ma'am.” the doorman greeted her as she walked into the lobby.

“Damon.” she acknowledged the man and made her way straight to the elevator.

 

****

 

It'd been hours since Chloe had texted Beca and the alarm bells wouldn't quit going off. Beca had barely messaged her at all throughout the week and Chloe had started to think that she was disappearing again. She called Aubrey and waited until she picked up. “Hey, Chlo, what's up?”

“Hey, Bree, nothing much, you?” She tapped her fingers anxiously on the table, trying to not make it seem like she only called to ask about Beca.

“Oh, just here making myself dinner, Stacie and Bella are coming over.”

“That sounds nice…” she let a long pause go by and then she couldn't take it anymore. “Hey, have you heard from Beca at all this week? I haven't talked to her since my birthday, I was just wondering-” Aubrey made a choking sound as if she'd done a spit take. “Aubrey? Are you okay?”

“I do hope you're joking, Chloe.”

“Why would I be joking?” Chloe asked confusedly.

“Okay, so you're serious…” it seemed like Aubrey was taking a minute to herself, and just as Chloe was about to ask her what she'd been talking about, she started speaking again. “Turn the TV on and change it to E! News.”

“Why?” She didn't answer, so Chloe just turned on the TV and read the headline at the bottom as she turned up the volume.

“It's the wedding anniversary of our favorite recluse couple, the heart of the Hills, Rebeca and Marco Hill. The two had met four years ago and were totally enamored with each other. They'd gotten married on June seventeenth of twenty-nineteen before tragedy fell upon them in the form of a car accident, leaving Mrs. Hill widowed at twenty-eight…” the woman went on speaking about their relationship and Beca's vanishing right after the funeral, and Chloe sat there with her mouth hanging wide open.

“It's their anniversary…”

“She doesn't talk to anybody today, so if she didn't answer, that's why.” Aubrey seemed so passive about Beca's unhealthy behavior, instead of worrying about her, which slightly bothered Chloe.

“Oh, Bree, I'm so stupid, I should've known about that!”

“How could you have known? You hadn't spoken in years, I mean, you didn't even go to their wedding, Chloe.” She groaned into the phone and frowned even though Aubrey couldn't see her.

“Wow, way to make me feel bad.”

“You know that's not what I meant, but you _do_ know that she's weird about sharing stuff, and this isn't just any stuff. She's not ready to talk about Marco yet.” She understood that, but it shouldn't be that way. Chloe was her best friend at some point, that still had to be of some importance right?

“She shouldn't have to do this alone, Bree.”

“Chloe…” Aubrey said warily. Chloe dismissed the warning in her tone and started to gather her things. “What are you doing?”

“I'm gonna go see her, she needs me.”

“Chloe, you can't do that, she won't have it, and you know that.”

“Well, I can at least try, can't I?”

 

* * *

 

“Beca?” She knocked on her door and wait for an answer. “It's me, Chloe, open up.” she took out her phone and started calling her, and when the other line started to ring, she could hear Beca's ringtone from inside letting her know that she was home. “Bec, I know you're in there-”

“Are you looking for Ms. Rebeca?” she turned around to see the doorman from the lobby.

“Yes, I am…” she said awkwardly, with her hand still at the door, ready to knock again. “Do you know where she is?”

“If she's not inside the apartment, she's usually on the roof.”

“Okay, and which way do I go to get there?” She hoped her wouldn't make her to bribe him for the information because she wasn't afraid to do whatever it took to reach her seemingly unreachable friend.

“There's a fire escape door down the hall to your left, you can take the stairs up, or take the service elevator.” He started to walk away, but he stopped and turned to Chloe. “If you can help her then help her, but if you can't… thank you for trying.” she gave him a sad smile and a short nod and started on her way to the fire escape.

When the elevator reached the top, she saw the door to get outside and she braced herself. She'd never been up so high, but somehow what was on the other side scared her more than her sudden fear of heights. With a shaky hand, she reached out to the door knob, and she pushed it open.

“Beca?” she saw the starry sky above her and she almost had forgotten her mission, but then a loud metal clanging brought her attention back to what she came for. “Beca?”

“Oh, hey, Chloe.” She walked over to see Beca on the floor with her feet elevated by a turned over bucket. She lifted her head and looked at Chloe with sleepy eyes, and she knew she was drunk. “What’re you doing here? It’s pretty late.”

“I could ask you the same thing, you know.” Chloe walked over to her and helped her up off the floor and then Beca almost immediately let go of her hands to lean against the wall separating her from the many feet below. The sight made Chloe queasy. “It's a great view-”

“Look, I know why you're here, alright!” Beca screamed, startling Chloe with her shaky and watery voice.

“Oh yeah?” she said carefully, watching Beca closely from where she stood. “Why's that?”

“Because he's gone on our wedding anniversary and not because he forgot.” She mumbled. “You’re here to feel sorry for me, to offer me your sympathy like everyone else.”

“I'm not here for that.”

“Really? Can you tell me why you just decided to pop by today then?” She didn't answer and Beca clicked her tongue, knowing she was right. “Did you know he would say KAR-muhl, instead of KARR-uh-mel?” Chloe shook her head, and discreetly took a step toward her.

“No, really?”

“Yes!” Beca whisper yelled. “He did, and he did it on purpose to make me crazy.” She didn't say anything after that, she just stared down at the ground below. Chloe didn't so much as breathe too hard as she watched Beca rock back and forth on her heels watching the ground.

“I used to think that the hardest thing I've ever done was take a shower…” she paused and she leaned over the wall just a little bit more, and Chloe sucked in one strong breath and held it there.

“It was so hard… I couldn't… I couldn't even lift my head from my pillow, and somehow Emily talked me into a shower… don't even know how the kid did it.” she leaned back again and Chloe slowly exhaled, getting extremely nervous with everything.

“And then I got dressed, and I found my keys, and I went to bury him.” she leaned over again and Chloe took another secret step toward her.

“People kept saying they were sorry, like _they_ killed him, you know? What's up with that?” She laughed, but Chloe wasn't the least bit convinced that she found it funny.

“I know, it's pretty bizarre isn't it?” She took another step, but this time Beca had seen her.

“No! No! You stay right there!” She did as she was told and froze in place with her hands up.

“Okay, okay… take it easy, okay?”

She'd been screaming, but Chloe couldn't hear it at all. She could only hear her heartbeat loud in her chest as she watched Beca get closer to the edge.

“You know on the way up here in the elevator, I kept looking at the numbers…” Beca closed her eyes and leaned over a little over the edge. “I kept looking and I kept thinking 'Yeah, this should get the job done'.”

“Beca, don't talk like that, okay, sweetie?” She got closer and this time Beca hadn't noticed. “It's all gonna be okay.”

“Is it?” Beca looked right at her, her navy stare chilled her to the bone, and her lip quivered and her cheeks were stained with old tears.

“It is, but you need to let me in, okay?” Beca closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the edge on the bricks and Chloe took the chance and she wrapped her arms around her middle, bringing her away from the edge. Beca sobbed harder and Chloe let her silent tears fall as Beca turned into her. She clung to her and Chloe kept her head pressed against her chest, as she cooed and soothed her pain.

“Let's get inside, okay?”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end inspired by "Just Take a Shower" by Jared Singer
> 
> https://youtu.be/L3snfamyQ6M
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update? So soon? Yes, don't get used to it, I just felt motivated I guess. 
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Beca rolled over, right off the couch, and flat on her back, landing with a loud thud. “Fuck…”

 **“You okay, babe?”** Marco was crouching down beside her, but she didn't have time to say anything because Chloe was rushing over.

“Beca!” she knelt down next to her and helped her up. “Hey, are you okay?” Beca rubbed her eyes until she saw spots, she had the headache of the century, and her mouth was sour from dehydration.

“I'm fine…” she mumbled. Her voice was coarse and rough like gravel. She cleared her throat and closed her eyes, and when she opened her eyes, she saw that Chloe was wearing one of her t-shirts, and she had her old apron tied around her.

“You sure?” She asked Beca a second time and she just looked at her with a puzzled look.

“Yeah…” she got up and looked around, she saw the duffle bag sitting next to the window, she turned toward the couch and saw two pillows, and when she looked at the kitchen, she saw that the groceries Aubrey had brought were finally being put to use.

“Did you sleep here?” she squinted her eyes at the light and watched Chloe saunter back to the kitchen.

“Yeah, I had Bree bring me an overnight bag.”

“Oh…” that was all Beca could manage. Gus waddled over to her and sniffed her leg, she knelt down to pet him.

 **“She’s been here literally all night.”** Marco grumbled. Beca nodded and she sat in silence and mulled over the events of the previous night. She padded over to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub. **“Hey, you okay?”** Marco’s voice was soft and gentle, it made her want to cry. So she did. She bunched up the bottom of her t-shirt and she muted her sobs with the fabric.

She felt a hand rubbing her back in circular motions, her eyes blinked open and she was expecting to see Marco, but instead she found Chloe wearing a small smile, standing over her. She hastily wiped her face and she stood, and looked for the aspirin in her medicine cabinet, saying nothing to the redhead. She swallowed down two pills, and when putting them back, she saw her other medications eyeing her from the little shelves. She ignored the calling and walked back out to the living room without taking a second glance behind her.

“I made breakfast?” Chloe announced from somewhere behind her. It sounded more like a question than a statement, but it prompted Beca’s stomach to growl. She wordlessly slinked into a stool at the breakfast bar and watched Chloe serve up their plates. Homemade hash browns, eggs over medium, bacon, orange juice, the whole nine yards, and Beca couldn’t shake the nostalgia fogging up her mind of the Bella house after a Treble party. “Toast?”

“Yes, please.” she picked up her fork to pick at her breakfast. Chloe set her toast next to her with a small smile that Beca didn’t return as easily. She nibbled and pecked at her food, but she couldn't eat more than half of her meal.

“Done?” Chloe asked. Beca nodded and leaned back to let her take her plate. “Didn't feel like eating much today, or-”

“Why are you here, Chloe?” Beca let the question trip off her tongue and Chloe stopped moving completely and peered at Beca through the corners of her eyes. She watched her gently set the plate down in the sink and turn to face her. She fiddled with her fingers and barely even glanced up at her, and Beca waited for an answer in silence.

**“What's her deal?”**

“Do you not remember what happened last night?” She looked at her with earnest cerulean eyes and Beca stared back, feeling herself getting wound up.

“Yeah, I remember last night.” she nodded and brought her hands together in front of her. “But what I _want_ to know is why you're here.” She tapped down on the counter toward Chloe with her forefinger, emphasizing her question sternly. Chloe breathed out shakily and stared at her.

“Because I’m not sure I can say I know who you are anymore? Because every ounce of me knows that things are different now and because you're even more guarded than the day I met you and I can't see past the lead walls anymore?” Her face turned back from angry to gentle again. “Because I want to make sure you're okay?” she brought her volume back down and stared at Beca with vulnerable, teary eyes.

“You wanted to make sure I'm okay?” Beca humorlessly chuckled and stood up. “After almost five years, you wanted to see if I'm okay?”

“Yes.”

“Why, Chloe?” She threw her hands up and started pacing. “Why did you decide to come back after leaving?” Chloe stood in front of her crying and Beca could feel her throat constricting. “You left me, Chloe! You left me alone, you _abandoned_ me!”

“I'm sorry!” her response only made Beca angrier.

**“How can she be apologizing right now?”**

“Oh, because that fixes _everything_ doesn't it, Chlo.” Her words were pumped full of venom, she didn't even understand why she was yelling, she never wanted to hurt Chloe, but maybe subconsciously she did with all the hurt that she caused her.

“What do you want me to say, Beca? What can I possibly say to make this better?” She held her hands out and waited for an answer, and Beca turned her back away from her, watching Gus get up from his bed. “Well? Tell me! Tell me and I’ll say it!”

“Nothing!” Her voice was so sharp, she only reserved it for certain situations, ones where it's not directed at Chloe. She turned around and felt the cool tears down her hot cheeks.

“Nothing you can say can make it better.” She walked toward the window and caught a glimpse of the shelf holding all her mugs. “Do you know what our first fight was about? Like our first real fight?”

“No.”

“It was because I wouldn't let him watch the Lord of the Rings marathon with me because I only do that with my best friend.” She looked at Chloe with a bitter smile across her face. “But you weren't there.”

“I'm so-” She continued, ignoring Chloe's efforts to speak.

“For my wedding, you didn’t even send a card or a text to tell me you couldn't make it.” she licked her lips, tasting the salt and closed her eyes to keep from crying harder. “The ‘happiest day of my life’ wasn’t totally happy because I was waiting on you to show up,” she looked away again and wiped away her tears.

“And you didn’t.” she sniffled loudly, Gus began to bark, and jump at her legs. “But you showed up to his funeral, ate some of the spread my mom laid out, and wore black even, must’ve made you feel real good, right?” Gus kept barking and pawing at her calf, biting her ankles.

“No, no, it didn’t.” Chloe sobbed.

“Why did you just throw me away?”

“I didn’t.”

“How could you just leave with everything I shared with you?”

“Because I couldn’t do it!” Beca just watched her, with her shoulders heaving up and down, each breathing falling heavier than the last, Gus’ incessant barking was echoing inside her cranium. “I couldn’t.” the tremors started rolling through her limbs and she couldn’t breathe the air anymore. Instead of staying for the rest of the conversation, she spun on her heels and walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

 

****

 

Chloe sat on the edge of the couch, with her head in her hands, thinking how this morning had all gone horribly wrong. She knew Beca was right, she did leave her alone in some of the most important moments in her life for selfish reasons. Because _she_ couldn’t handle seeing her happy in her new life.

It’d been five minutes since Beca picked up in the middle of their conversation and locked herself in the bathroom. Chloe hadn’t run after her, she’d still been stunned by her own admission, and she was afraid that Beca would hate her even more than she probably already did.

After a lengthy argument in her head, she got up from the couch and walked over to the bathroom door. She knocked three times. “Beca, I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know why I couldn’t-” then a gut wrenching sob came from inside, making Chloe’s blood run cold. “Beca?”

She opened the door and found Beca with her hands leaning on the sink, she hair was tousled and her clothes were dishevelled. Chloe rushed over and wrapped her arms around her midsection, pulling images of the events of the night before in her head, she felt more tears welling in her eyes as she listened to her former best friend fall apart in her arms.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” she listened to the wails and brought them down to the floor against the wall. “It’s okay, I’ve got you, I’ve got you, I’m here, okay?” she could feel Beca shaking against her. “I’m here.”

 

* * *

 

The two women stayed on the bathroom floor until Beca was able to catch her breath, she sat between Chloe’s knees, flush against her, and Chloe still had her arms wrapped around her, protectively. Chloe could feel the thump of Beca’s heart against her chest, she didn’t understand how Beca could still be near her after their fight earlier, but she figured it was better that it came sooner rather than later.

“This is why I need Gus.” Beca muttered. Chloe opened her sleepy eyes and shifted slightly.

“Hm?”

“Gus, he’s a PSD, a psychiatric service dog.” Beca turned around to face her, she was now kneeling between Chloe’s legs. She hummed and understood the reason for having Gus around. She’d had a panic attack at Barden during her sophomore year, but she hadn’t been there to witness it, it was fall break and she was at her parents, and Stacie was the only other person not visiting her family

“Oh…” She looked at Beca, she disappeared for a moment, but when she was back it seemed as if she were considering something. “Beca,” she looked up at her and Chloe paused before reaching out again to take her hand. “I can’t change anything I’ve done, or-or didn’t do, but I need you know that I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry.” Beca bit her lip and looked down at her lap. “I’m so sorry, Bec.” she felt her throat getting thick again.

“I can’t… I can’t do this again… not again.” Chloe was perplexed by what she said, she didn't know what it meant, but she pushed it back to her mind to ask later.

“I know, I know you can’t, Beca, but I need you try okay? Because I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving you anymore.” She watched small tears roll down her flushed cheeks. “I’m not leaving, and I need you to trust me when I say that okay? Can you do that for me?” Beca looked at her, the uncertainty was clear across her face.

She watched her inhale deeply and roll her shoulders back. She made eye contact with Chloe again, Chloe’s heart banged against her rib cage, she hoped with every fiber of her being that Beca wouldn’t shut her out again, that she could trust her on this one thing. Beca nodded softly, slightly unsure. “Yeah?” she nodded again this time more firmly.

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so one more update, sooner than usual, but don't feel special.
> 
> Enjoy

* * *

 

Beca had no idea Chloe _literally_ meant she wasn't leaving again. She'd brought two weeks worth of clothes with her in the duffle bag and took residence on her armchair. Then again, it was Chloe Beale, so she shouldn't have taken the comment so lightly. “What are you up to today?” Chloe called from the bathroom, she walked out and stood in front of the mirror in the living room.

“Emily stuff,” she watched Chloe nod, there was a flash of a grimace on her face, but it disappeared as quick as it appeared. Chloe knew that 'Emily stuff’ was 'wedding stuff’.

**“It won’t kill you to at least pretend you’re happy you know.”**

“You?”

“Interview, my professor recommended me to a few clinics here.” She turned to face Beca, her hair flowed over her shoulders in perfect curls, and she was wearing a white blouse and dark green pencil skirt that came down to her mid knee. “How do I look?” she ran her eyes over one more time.

“Fine.” she stood and pointed to nowhere. “I think I have some shoes that go better with that, are we still the same size?”

“I'm pretty sure, unless you grew, but…” Chloe teased.

“Fuck off, Beale.” she came back with suede black flats. She handed them to her and Chloe gasped.

“Bec, these are gorgeous!” she exclaimed. She slipped them on, and looked at her feet. “What?” She mouthed.

 **“Seems to really like those shoes.”** Beca's smile fell from her face and she shook her head. **“We're gonna be late.”**

“Okay, I have to… yeah.” She quickly rushed out and left without so much as saying bye.

 

* * *

 

Beca sat on the patio of a small restaurant with Emily, making small talk while waiting for Marco’s mother and Manuela. “So, what I was thinking for the flowers was maybe some baby pink roses? I know you think roses are cliché, but-”

“Em,” Beca stopped her and put a hand over her fidgety fingers. “This is _your_ wedding, you just tell me what you want and I'll make it happen, okay? And I think baby pink roses would be beautiful, they match your personality.” Emily took a deep breath and smile softly at Beca.

“Thank you.”

“Don't thank-”

“No, I'm going to thank you because you're literally the bestest friend I've ever had, and I'm the bride and so you have to listen to me.” Beca rolled her eyes at Emily's triumphant smile, and then the storm rolled in.

**“Here comes mom.”**

“Hi, mija.” Marco's mother sat at the head of the table, only one seat down from Beca. Manuela sat between the two of them, and in her mind Beca envisioned two different corners of a boxing ring with Manuela as the referee and Emily as the audience.

“Hola, mi bebecita.” Manuela pulled her in tight, rubbing her back fiercely, and slightly swaying back and forth. “¿Cómo estás, corazón?” she let go and held her at arm's length.

“Estoy bien, y tú?” Beca made sure to reply in Spanish to remind her mother in-law that she could understand whatever was being said.

“Bien, bien, gracias a Dios, pero muy cansada, mija.” Manuela groaned to emphasize how tired she was. Beca smiled empathetically.

“Me too.”

“Rebeca, I hope you have something planned, or are we just going to sit here all day?” Manuela cast her a harsh glare after her snide remark, Beca folded her hands in front of her and squared her shoulders, trying to remain mature and calm. “And why on earth are you still wearing your sunglasses? We’re in the shade.”

**“Relax, okay, sweetheart? Just breathe, I’m here.”**

“Okay, so,” she pulled out a thick binder and a leather journal. “This is all the places I've seen good reviews on, and some of the places are places w-” she stopped and felt a pang in her chest. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Places I've gone,” she said for instead of 'we’ve gone’.

“That are really great, the service is wonderful, _but_ we don't have to use any if you don't want to.” she looked around at all of them and pushed the binder to the middle of the table. “So, if you ladies want to take a look at this-”

“My goodness, Rebeca, take off those sunglasses please!” if she could see her eyes, Beca would glare at her for being so rude during this time, but instead of rebelling, she took them off to reveal the reason behind them.

“Hay, mija!”

“Oh my God…”

“Have you been taking care of yourself at all, Rebeca?” They'd been referring to her dark circled, red rimmed eyes. She almost looked like a corpse. “That’s enough, you need to get out of this funk, you need to see a therapist and-”

“You know maybe I wouldn't need a therapist,” Beca interrupted loudly. “If you would just let me go through this.” His mother sat back in her chair and the table grew uncomfortably quiet.

 **“Babe… don’t let her get to you…”** Marco cautioned.

“Well, you can’t wallow forever, okay? I’m not sorry because it’s true, Rebeca.” she said sternly.

“You’ve never lost _your_ husband, Imelda, but come to think of it, you might as well have with all those women he meets.” Emily and Manuela looked extremely out of place in the conversation, she noticed Emily’s nervous fiddling pick back up again, and Manuela just kept an eye on the discussion seeing as she had no choice since she was in between them.

“Watch your tongue, young lady.” Imelda said through clenched teeth.

“Oh, really?” Beca scoffed. She leaned back and crossed her arms to properly serve her a stone cold stare. “You want me to watch _my_ tongue?”

“Beca-”

“That’s really rich for someone who insulted me within seconds of arriving to your home, calling me a pendeja and saying that I create ‘puras pendejadas’, and that I wasn’t good enough when that was not your opinion to have. So, excuse me if I-” her voice cracked and she looked at Emily, who was obviously terrified. She swallowed her words and put her sunglasses back on. “Excuse me.” she walked to the bathroom, ignoring her name being called from behind her.

When she reached the restroom, she slipped into the first empty stall and stood with her back against the door. She closed her eyes and let herself breathe, feeling her lungs decompress with each breath, the fresh she wiped away the fresh tears off her face, and then the bathroom door opened. She was expecting Emily, but two other women were talking outside of the stalls in front of the sinks.

“I’m telling you, you need to get over him. It’s been a year, girl, come on.”

“I know, but it’s just hard you know.”

“People always say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” the statement struck a chord somewhere in Beca. She was so tired of being tired, of being broken, maybe this would be the cure. Maybe she just needed to get under someone else for a change.

 

* * *

 

Beca just finished putting a light shade of pink lipstick on and rolling her lips together, when Chloe walked back into the apartment. “Bec?”

“In here!” She searched the room for her clutch, she adjusted the strap on the sides of her arms and her cleavage.

“Hey, how was your-” Chloe stopped behind her as she put on her earrings. “Where are you going?”

“Just out, I’m not sure if I’ll be back or not, but I’ll text you if I’m not.” her phone dinged, she opened to see that her Uber had arrived. “My ride’s here, I gotta go. Call me if anything.”

“Wait, Becs, where are you going?” Chloe trailed her on her way out, Gus began to bark, telling his signs of Beca’s distress, but she ignored him.

“I just need a change of scenery, but I’ll see you later.”

 

* * *

 

Beca could feel her heart banging in her chest, matching the baseline of the DJ's music beat for beat. The sweat sat thick on her skin, she let her hair down at some point during the night, but she couldn't remember when.

A body appeared behind her, grinding up against her backside, and a hand attached to her hip, she turned to face them, she was met with a handsome man with hazel eyes and dark hair. He smirked at her and wriggled his eyebrows, and Beca laughed. They danced face to face for a while, and then he leaned in to talk in her ear over the music. “I'm Winn.”

“Alice.” she went with her middle name again, he smiled, he was about to say something more, but she just ground hard into him to shut him up. She didn't want anything other than what she came for.

The song changed twice before Beca was buzzed and Winn seemed more comfortable shamelessly grinding against her, and holding her hips against him. It'd been so long since any kinds of intimacy, that she found herself extremely aroused. She looked at him, there was a glimmer in his eyes that she could easily recognize as mischief, she acted on the coiling in her stomach, and wrapped a hand around the base of his neck and pulled him in for a searing kiss.

His lips moved along hers, and she pressed further into him. She felt a foreign feeling in her chest. It might've been because of the risk, or maybe there were too many people, but none of it mattered when she heard Winn say: “Do you wanna get out of here?”

“Your place or mine?” He kissed her again and wandered off to the bar to pay the tab. She pulled her phone from her clutch and typed out a text message to Chloe.

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 11:19 PM: not coming home_

 

 **“That's real classy, babe.”** She saw Marco standing beside her. Guilt ran ramped through her head, she'd almost regretted going out, but then Winn came back.

“You ready to go?” she nodded and put on a smile.

“Yeah, let's go.”

 

* * *

 

Winn pushed Beca against his apartment door immediately, and attached his lips to her neck, biting down on her pulse point, she arched her back into him and groaned. She kissed him again and he walked them backward to his room, littering clothes all throughout the hallway, not letting their lips separate, like oxygen had only been a suggestion.

When she landed on his bed, she looked up at him standing over her, and she saw Marco. It felt like her heart dropped and accelerated all at once, she blinked and saw Winn again. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, come here.” He put a knee between hers and lowered himself down over her, kissing down her jaw line, she felt his skin against hers, she moaned when he cupped her breast, and she opened her eyes again, she peered over his shoulder to see Marco standing there with his arms crossed over his chest.

**“I never expected this from you… not from you.”**

“Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?” She tuned back into the moment, and she saw the concern on Winn's face. She finally cooled down enough to feel the wetness on her cheeks, she inwardly scolded herself for crying so much as of late.

“Sorry, I'm-I’m sorry, let's just-just-” she captured his lips again, kissing him slowly and sweetly, letting a few tears fall every few seconds. He stopped the quickly gently, and he looked at her with nothing but worry.

“I-I know you want to keep going, but I want to know what's wrong, Alice.” He put his hand on the side of her face and kissed the tip of her nose. “Please tell me?” she sucked in a quick breath and sat up. He sat beside her, and took her hand.

“My name… my name's not Alice, Winn.” She made eye contact with him and she sheepishly smiled.

“You're not cheating on someone else with me are you?” Winn started to get up, pulling away from Beca, until she rapidly shook her head.

“No, of course not…” she answered, although it felt like she had cheated with him. “My… I'm sorry, my husband, he um… he died... about a year ago.”

“I'm sorry about that.” He said softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth over her knuckles.

“It's okay, this… this was actually my first time out like this.” She looked at him and took another deep breath. Something was so calming about the stranger, like a safe place that was unbiased, no one knew their entire situation, only the vague details. But she could trust him. “I'm Beca Hill.” his jaw dropped and he barely blinked.

“Are you serious?” She nodded and he slowly nodded. “Wow... I almost slept with a widowed celebrity…” he trailed off and looked at her. He cringed at the word 'widowed', but there wasn't any pain after he said it. It was strange, not feeling the ache during the conversation. “There's a lot of stigma in that sentence.” They both laughed together and then the room was quiet, except for the noises just outside the window.

It was comfortable again. Beca was relieved that he wasn't upset about her lies, or her crying right before they were about to have sex. It was definitely a first for her. “Do you need a ride home?”

 

****

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 11:19 PM: not coming home_

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 11:20 PM: What do you mean you're not coming back?????_

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 11:21 PM: Beca???? Where are you???? Call me please!!_

 

Chloe sat on Beca's couch and stared down at her phone. It'd been two hours since Beca said she wouldn't be coming home, and that scared Chloe. It left her wondering if she meant in general or for the night. They'd just worked out an agreement, she'd thought that Beca was bailing on her, she didn't know how to take it. The text was open to many interpretations.

Suddenly, Gus was whining and barking at the door, and Chloe heard the jingling of keys just outside. She stood up to stand by the island in the kitchen, and Beca came in. “Hey, Chloe.” Beca yawned calmly, as if she hadn't disappeared for the better part of the day without telling Chloe where she was going. She began to walk to the couch, peeling off her shoes.

“Hey to you too.” Chloe said haughtily, starting her pace in front of the TV. “You know I've been worried about you all day, I come home, you leave and say you're going somewhere, you say you're not coming back in a vague text, which is extremely cryptic and unclear by the way,” she pointed out.

“And then you _do_ come back and-” she turned around and saw that Beca was asleep, leaning on the armrest of the couch. She sighed, and put her feet up on the couch. “Welcome home, Becs.” She pressed a kiss to her forehead and retired to the armchair.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anybody asks, WINN IS NOT A LOVE INTEREST just so we're clear. Please don't hate him, Beca's just trying to work out some stuff.
> 
> Anyways,
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is _very_ sad, but there is a little progress on the healing front.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Chloe walked into the apartment, Gus’ barking echoed loud from down the hall and there were so many things strewn across the floor of the entire apartment. “What the…” she set down her duffle bag of fresh clothes and the takeout on the counter and began to slowly walk through the mess.

Her heart rate picked up as she imagined all the worst possible scenarios that could've happened while she was out, a burglary, or kidnapping, or a murder. She gulped and cleared her throat. “Bec? Where are you?” She grew closer to her bedroom and it sounded as if someone were ransacking the place.

“Beca?” She lightly pushed the door open and saw Beca walking quickly back and forth, muttering to herself, spilling out all her drawers and the contents of her closet.

“Where is it?” Becs screamed from around the corner. Chloe walked further inside and saw Beca sitting on the floor, looking through the different pockets of all her pants and shirts.

“Hey, hey, where's what?” Beca looked at her with tired eyes, not having slept since last week, she looked like she'd lost her mind.

“The receipt!” She frustratedly got up, after looking through a stack of clothes. “The receipt is gone, and I need it,” she walked past her and frantically started pacing back and forth in her dirty room.

“I don't know where it's at, I-I’ve been looking for it all day.” She started going through her phone, and she grabbed her keys off her vanity. “M-Maybe I left it in the car, or-or Winn's apartment, I-I don't know where it is, and I-I really need it-”

“Beca-”

“I could’ve-” she started on her way out, she stopped  to look under her blanket. “M-Maybe I left it in the wash, or at the café, I have to call to see-see if they have it-”

“Beca-”

“It has to be somewhere, it-it can't just disappear-” she grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her out of her spiral.

“Beca, slow down, okay, love?” Chloe didn't know where the pet name came from, it was foreign and new on her tongue and familiar at the same time, but she brushed it aside. “What happened?” Beca began to sob uncontrollably, she buried her face in Chloe's neck, and shocked, she wrapped her arms around her and moved her thumb back and forth on the skin of her arm.

“I lost the receipt,” her voice was muffled by Chloe's shirt. “I didn't even tell him that I loved him, and I-I o-only had that receipt!” Her heart broke for the girl.

She remembered, very clearly, the words Beca had said at his funeral. It was one of the most awful feelings she felt, right above not being in her life because at least even though she wasn't in her life, she was happy. But seeing her break like this, was by far the most saddening and heartbreaking things she's ever seen, and she's seen plenty of HBC cases at her internship in Brooklyn. So if Chloe Beale says something is heartbreaking, then it's heartbreaking.

“You don't need the receipt to remember him,” she rubbed her back, standing in the middle of the living room with Gus circling them curiously. “He’s here, Becs.” Little did Chloe know, he was. Just not how she meant it. “He's around, even if he's not.”

Though Chloe wasn't exactly fond of their relationship, and Marco, she wished he was there so Beca wouldn't hurt anymore. Maybe they would've gotten along if they'd actually met, and Chloe would accept their marriage for it what it was, and put that 'more’ feeling to rest. As much as Chloe liked to think that it could've worked out that way, she just knew that it couldn't.

 

* * *

 

Beca slept next to her, snug on the couch, as a rerun of Gossip Girl played on the TV. She'd been asleep for four hours, they've been in the same position for exactly that long, afraid to wake Beca up and go back to the melt down from earlier. She drew lazy patterns on her shoulder and thought about how different things were now. How death can really take away from a person, even more so when it's a loved one.

Even Beca's signature brown hair was different, she dyed it blonde in some sort of homage to her husband, and she wore colors other than black and really dark gray, Chloe wondered if that was her husband's doing also or if it were a drastic change in wardrobe as a step in her grieving process, but Beca wasn't grieving, not really.

Beca avoided because that's what Beca did best, Chloe knew that. She never talked about Marco unless she was at her wits end, which had been a lot recently, and Chloe hoped that maybe that was a sign. Maybe she was acknowledging his death. It only had taken her a year and some road trip across the country she didn't like to talk about, to get around to facing the cold and depressing reality of it all.

While the process was much needed and good, Chloe hadn't expected to show up in the middle of it all. Guilt started to attack her mind, saying she should've just been there _before_ it happened, but then Beca stirred and distracted her. “I remember,” she stopped and smacked her dry lips. “I remember one time, before we got married, we both didn't want to go to work one day… so we just didn't go, and we went to the zoo instead.”

“That sounds nice.” Beca's chin rested on Chloe's chest and was looking up at her as she told the story.

“I was so sad that there were no red pandas, but he took me to see the polar bears.” There was a hint of a smile playing on her lips. “We took so many pictures that day.” she then became despondent and lost in thought.

“We could-” Chloe restarted after saying 'we’, wanting to face palm because this was Beca's journey, not theirs, she was only there for moral support. She looked down at Beca, seeing her weary expectant eyes looking right back at her. “Um, maybe you could look at them? The pictures, I mean?” Beca didn't respond, her face remained the same, and she just looked back at Chloe.

“I mean, only if you're really up for it though.” Beca bit her lip and cast her eyes down. They sat in silence for almost three minutes, and then her stormy blue eyes looked back at her, with a small smile accompanying it.

“Yeah… okay.” Chloe kept her surprise inside so she didn't make her change her mind and she nodded gently.

“Okay.” Then Beca got up and disappeared down the hallway. Chloe sat up and patiently waited for Beca to come back. She looked through her Insta feed and checked her voicemails, she was expecting them from all her interviews, but nothing yet.

Beca came back with two shoe boxes and she plopped down beside Chloe on the couch. “Are you sure-” she opened the lid of one the boxes before Chloe could finish, and she knew there was no going back now. Inside the box was a large camera, a few printed pictures, and a hand full of memory cards. She grabbed the stack of photos and took a deep breath.

She flipped them over and revealed pictures of them at some sort of dinner. A very small smile finally allowed itself to appear on her face. In the picture, Marco was making a funny face, and Beca’s hair was still brown, and she was laughing, Chloe could almost hear it. It didn't look like the full belly laugh from Barden, it was something different, more reserved. She thought maybe it was because she was still just getting to know him, or because they were in public, but Chloe didn't want to read into it too much.

“This was the night I met his brother.” she put the picture in the back, going through the rest of them. Some were group pictures and some were just them. The last three pictures were of them both looking into each other's eyes, leaning in, and the third was a kiss being shared between them. “That was our first kiss.” Her voice was small and shaky, and tears fell down her cheeks. She picked up the camera and examined it. “I haven't… I haven't looked at these pictures since he…”

“Bec, are you sure you want to?” She nodded and turned the camera on. The first picture was of Beca and Emily on some sort of red carpet, holding each other's arms excitedly, wearing matching black and white gowns. “That's a good picture.”

“Yeah…” Beca sighed. “I'm really proud of her, you know?”

“Yeah.” Chloe agreed. The next one was of her and Emily in a dressing room, still in their everyday clothes, and another one where they were saluting the camera.

She kept going, passing many candid pictures of Beca, some where her hands were hands were outstretched, blocked her face. There was one of her laying on white bed sheets in a blue and black dress, and another of her walking, in a striped shirt, with green juice, wearing sunglasses. “These pictures are gorgeous, Bec.”

“Yeah,” she passed another where she was kneeling at a splash pad, in a black bathing suit, completely soaked. “I called him a creep for taking all these pictures, but…” she put in another memory card and the first picture was of her walking, her hair flowing behind her.

“He always did take _really_ good pictures though.” Beca chuckled so softly, Chloe almost missed it, but she didn't. They came across another picture of Beca with her shirt rolled up, revealing a baby bump that Chloe never knew even existed, and then her heart broke as she realized why she never knew.

“Bec-” she was hushed when she saw how Beca's face completely fell at the sight of it. She just pressed the button and kept going, a new onslaught of tears rushed out again as she looked instead of the melancholy nostalgia, there was just an immense feeling of sorrow and grief.

There was a video with a black screen, and with a confused and furrowed brow, Beca pressed play. A beautiful tune was being played on the piano, they could only hear muted singing and keys, and Marco's breathing. He opened the door and pointed the camera at Beca, sitting at her piano, playing a sad song Chloe didn't recognize.

"I'm out on the edge and I'm-" the piano abruptly stopped. “What are you doing in here?” Beca screamed at him.

“No, no, no, don't stop! Keep going!” Marco walked further into the room, with the camera still rolling.

“Leave me alone!” Beca began to shove him out, she pushed the camera down, away from her face.

“Babe-” his shoes stepped back as hers moved forward.

“I don't want to see you right now-”

Chloe gently took the camera and turned it off. Beca sat in silence, sniffling a few times, not bothering to wipe the new tears away.

“I think that's enough for today, don't you?”

“Yeah… yeah.” She frowned and she rubbed her eyes. She sniffled loud and hard one more time and looked at Chloe. “I didn't think he kept that…” she whispered. She leaned back into Chloe, and she closed her eyes, weeping silently for a while, and then her cries turned into soft breaths and snores. Chloe realized she didn't show up right in the middle of her process, but she showed up just as it started.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Song used: Echo: by Jason Walker
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, I'm back. Sorry it took me so long, but I finally have the holiday off! So I might be able to update more. This one is short, but mild angst, 
> 
> Enjoy

* * *

 

**“You sure you'll be okay without me?” Chloe asked as she shoved her last shirt into her bag.**

**“Yeah, I'll be fine, go and enjoy the week with your family.”**

……

 

Beca literally had not gotten off the couch since Chloe left, three days ago. Her parents were visiting since they hadn't been able to attend her graduation, and Chloe left to spend the week with them. Of course, Chloe reminded Beca that she was more than welcome to join them, since her family loved her, but Beca declined in an effort to keep their image of her the same as it was the last time they'd seen her.

Chloe's family was like a second family to Beca, and something deep in her bones told her that they would be disappointed in the way she was handling - or _wasn't_ handling - things. The thought of receiving a disappointed look from the woman who passed it down made Beca want to cower away and hide, so it was better to let them remember the standoffish girl with a soft spot rather than the insane stagnant widow.

Beca lolled her head to the side, looking at the single ray of light being cast over the wall. She lifted her arms to fold them behind her head, and when she did, it was _very_ apparent that she was smelling extremely ripe. She cringed away from the stench, and groaned loudly, making Gus whine in agreement that she stunk. She sat up, feeling a head rush from rising too quickly, she laid back down and closed her eyes again. Then she felt a large hand cover her forehead, her eyes peeled apart and peered up at the owner.

 **“Oh, sweetheart, you're burning up.”** Marco muttered. He wouldn't leave her mind, nor would the video she'd found, it was like the images were seared into her retinas. She rolled over and buried her face deep in her hypoallergenic pillow. She started to sob, letting all of it out onto her pillow with Gus nipping at her fingers.

Eventually, she physically couldn't cry anymore, so she sat up, and she gathered her blankets and put them in the washer. Not willing to be productive just yet, she returned to the couch and curled up in fetal position, and stared at the wall. She felt heavy, like when trying to get up on the side of a pool, being weighed down by all the excess water, it was a difficult task. She constantly felt like she was drowning, like the moment right before opening her mouth under the water because her head felt like exploding because of all the pressure.

**“You should try and eat something, Beca.”**

“Don't tell me what to do.” Beca growled. She sat up and wiped her cheeks until she couldn't feel anymore tears and she stared at Marco.

 **“You haven't eaten in three days, something's gotta give, babe.”** She ignored him and went to put her things in the dryer. She could hear him behind her, following. **“Bet you would do it if** **_Chloe_ ** **asked you.”** He sneered.

“And what's that supposed to mean, huh?” Beca walked into the bathroom, undressing, and tracing her fingers over the faded stretch marks at the small of her stomach. She turned the water on and waited for it to heat up as she brushed her teeth. Marco stood beside her, avoiding eye contact and being petty.

**“I mean, I’m not wrong, you just always seem to consider her more than me.”**

“Okay, don’t play that, just… just don’t, the whole jealousy thing is exhausting.” Beca walked into her shower, and closed the door behind her. She could see Marco’s silhouette leaning against the glass.

 **“You can’t deny that I’ve always played second banana to her, even if you guys weren’t on speaking terms after she up and left.”** Beca sighed and started to wash her hair.

“You don’t play second banana-”

 **“Yes I do.”** she ignored his venting and just ran the body wash over her muscles, trying not to cry because surely she had lost her mind if she actually thought that they were arguing right now. **“You held something back from me, even though you said you weren’t, and you were, I could see through that, Bec.”**

“I never held anything back from you and you know it.” She said sharply. “What, you wanna say that just because I didn’t give it up to you sooner?”

 **“No, now you’re just twisting my words!”** she stopped and remembered this exact argument happening, it was their first argument, she was reliving it by herself. She remembered telling Chloe what it had been about not too long ago, but it really hadn’t been about Lord of The Rings at all.

“I’m not arguing with you, okay?” She muttered. No voice came back, she cracked open the shower door and found herself alone. She allowed herself to come apart underneath the water, knowing well that the best place to cry is in the shower. She wept for her sanity, she no longer had any peace of mind that things would maybe feel okay someday, that she'd stop seeing Marco's shadow everywhere.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, another milestone has been passed! A small one, but a milestone nonetheless.

* * *

 

It's been a week since Chloe has been away from Beca. Her parents came to LA to visit since they couldn't make it to her graduation, she took them sightseeing and to dinner. Her mother poked and prodded about her love life saying: “You're thirty-two, pretty soon those grays are gonna catch up to you.”. Chloe ignored it of course, laughing it off, and changing the subject to work.

She got hired at a clinic not too far from the apartment, great pay with great hours, they told her she could start in three weeks. Chloe tried not to give into the anxiety of having to go to work daily for eight hours in less than a month. She could barely sit still throughout the week, it was like being told to sit on her hands in grade school. She didn't want to send a text to check in, but she didn't want to call either, but it also occurred to her that _Beca_ hadn't called or texted, so maybe she was fine and didn't have any emergencies or situations that required her, so she leaves it at that, but her mind keeps floundering at the thought, trying to telepathically communicate with her.

Her knuckles were white with her grip on the steering wheel, she packed a suitcase instead of a duffle bag, and threw out all the food that could go bad or have already gone bad since she'd been staying with Beca. She couldn't even focus on the music coming from the radio, the stress of it all made her want to stop and buy some cigarettes, but she didn't, she just wanted to get back to Beca as soon as possible. It seemed like traffic was against her, it was slow and most of the cars in the turning lanes didn't use their blinkers, and Chloe just wanted to get to Beca. Finally, after an eternity of mainstream music and awful intruding thoughts, she pulled into the parking space next to Beca's car and was able to get past the lobby. Beca isn't the way she was, not how she used to be with her wry smiles and sarcastic jokes, Chloe is almost positive that she won't have wrinkles when she gets older because her face for the most part is blank and expressionless.

The whole idea of a new Beca was terrifying because old Beca didn't drink so much or sleep so much. The old Beca liked to make dirty jokes and try new recipes for dinner and call her mom daily, just to tell her she loves her. New Beca is always stocked with Jack and rarely ever gets out of bed before noon, but when she does she runs for hours without stopping. The new Beca has panic attacks, and has a psychiatric service dog because they get so bad. New Beca had a baby at some point that Chloe never knew about and can't forgive herself for not being there. There is a huge difference between new Beca and old Beca, and that is that she knows who old Beca is, but new Beca is even more closed off than old Beca had ever been and that scares Chloe, but she accepts the challenge.

“Beca, I'm back!” she called, as she hurried inside to set her things down. Sad music was playing loud from her bedroom and a horrible wail coming from the back room. Chloe felt her gut sink and she immediately felt guilty for leaving in the first place.

“Beca?” She practically ran through the apartment, to her room, the door was closed and there were a lot of sounds inside. She cracked it open and Beca threw a high heel at the door.

“Go away!” Chloe closed the door, but she kept her hand on the knob. Beca had never turned her away when she came to help, had she maybe ruined the foundation they'd built by leaving? Had Beca had enough of her help? Chloe slowly released the knob and leaned against the wall opposite of her room. Maybe she should've bought those cigarettes.

 

* * *

 

Chloe stood against the counter, absently mixing the spaghetti in the pot. Beca hadn't come out yet, not even to use to the bathroom, Chloe was worried, but she assumed Beca needed space so she didn't knock. “Chloe?” The voice startled her out of her concern and she quickly turned the spaghetti to a simmer on the stove, and she ran to Beca's room. She knocked three times before turning the knob.

“Bec, you called me?” She walked in and saw that there was now a bed filling the empty space in her room. “You bought a bed?” Beca nodded and she threw a bed sheet across.

“Yeah, can you…” she gestured to the other end of the sheet. Beca could never do it by herself at Barden, it had been one of those things that they did together at some point.

“Sure.” Chloe chirped, taken aback by her request for help. Not with the exact words, of course, but she still did. She pulled the elastic band of the sheet over the corners and smoothed out the top. Beca laid the comforter out and then pillows, and then accent pillows. “All done.” Chloe breathed out. She watched Beca's pensive stare linger on the bed. “Okay, well, dinner is-”

“I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier… I just thought…” she stopped and ran her hand over her face. “I'm sorry, I was… yeah…” Chloe nodded and crossed the room. She stretched her arms out and pulled Beca into her.

“It's okay.” She felt Beca's tensed muscles relax and she pulled away. “So, a bed huh?”

“Just needed to keep busy.” She sighed and rolled her shoulders.

“Well, it'll be more comfortable than the couch that's for sure.”

“Yeah, you'll be more comfortable on a bed anyway.” Chloe stopped and looked back at Beca with a puzzled look.

“Aren't _you_ gonna sleep on the bed?” Beca looked down at her hands. She peeked up through long lashes and then back down.

“I, um… I'm not ready to… to… yet…” Chloe understood what she meant and she smiled, deciding she wouldn't bring it up again. _She'll get there,_ she thought.

“I hope you're hungry.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's a lot in this one. (Not, like, length and word count-wise, but I just don't know how to preface this.)
> 
> Enjoy???

* * *

 

Her baby hairs stuck to her forehead, and there was a strong burn in her calves, she could only hear Chloe’s hard breathing and panting, she looked at her sweat slicked face.

 **“Man, you've gotten fast!”** She could see Marco catching up to her in her peripheral vision, wearing all his running gear, sweating right through his gray tee. **“Get ready to eat my dust, sweetheart!”** Marco laughed, Beca kept her pace steady and then Chloe finally spoke up again.

“You won’t beat me, Beca, you never have.” just as Chloe said that, Beca sped up and sprinted to the small strip mall in view, and she stopped in front of the sidewalk, instead of the regular run up, across, and down the opposite sidewalk.

“Beat you.” Beca said breathlessly. She wasn't sure if she was speaking to Marco or to Chloe at this point. Chloe bent over and put her hands on her knees. “Guess you’re out of practice, huh?”

“Bet you can’t beat me back.” Beca rolled her eyes and chuckled softly as wiped the sweat down her neck. She completely missed the way Chloe’s eyes trailed her hand down to her chest.

“Come on.” she pulled open the door and walked in, leaving Chloe behind her.

“What happened to circling around?” they entered one of Flo's smoothie shops, Beca looked at the corner table near the window, where she and Marco used to sit each time they went into one of the locations.

**“God, I'm so thirsty.”**

“Smoothies?” Chloe asked incredulously, still holding her side. “In the middle of a run?” Beca took a step forward, in front of the register and gave her a special card Flo had created for her.

“Can I have two medium Raspberries Mixtas?”

 **“You remembered.”** Marco cooed. She rolled her shoulders and pretended to roll her neck on her shoulders with her eyes closed.

“Sure, that'll be six dollars and seventy-four cents, will that be all?”

“Yes, ma'am.” Beca replied, putting the card back into the small pocket on her running pants.

“We'll have that right out for you.”

“Thank you.” Beca turned around and sat at a two seat table across from where she and Marco used to sit _instead_ of sitting there, feeling as if doing so would be considered trespassing on hallowed ground.

Beca started going to therapy again, per Aubrey's request. She suspected she and Chloe might've been in cahoots about the topic, but Aubrey had always been firmer than Chloe. Only a tad bit more abrasive, but just enough to get the job done. And Beca didn't immediately object, but she had been late to her first appointment because she sat in her car for fifteen minutes before walking in.

 

……

**“You know, Beca,” her therapist, Loni, started. “Sometimes going to the places that remind you of the people you lost can help you heal. Help you feel closer to them.”**

**“So, you're saying that if I go somewhere special it might make me feel better?” She questioned.**

**“Well… not exactly.” Loni adjusted in her armchair, she crossed her right leg over her left, and leaned forward, moving a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “I can't guarantee that it'll help you** **_feel_ ** **better, but it might be a step in the right direction, and help you heal and reconcile with some things.”**

**“Like what?”**

**“Well, I understand that you've experienced a lot of loss, before your marriage, and during, even now after. Being able to go to the physical site where some of that grief took place could potentially make it easier to face those feelings.”**

……

 

 **“What a rush.”** Marco sat in his usual chair, facing the door. She watched him drink his smoothie, remembering things from her past life about their times together. Beca burned holes into the plastic of the chairs with her smoldering stare, she could almost smell the plastic melting until Chloe tapped her hand.

“Hey, where'd you go?” Beca sighed.

“Nowhere…” Beca sighed and looked at Chloe, feeling an overwhelming amount of tears rush to her eyes. She huffed out a harsh breath and let them fall, feeling Chloe's stare on her. She peeked back over to his chair, but he wasn't there anymore. “I was just… we, um, we used to come get smoothies here a lot.” Chloe's eyes softened and she rubbed circles on her thumb.

“Ma'am your order.” She rose to get their cups and she turned back to Chloe.

“Can we just walk back today?”

“Yeah.” She gave her a small and thankful smile.

 

* * *

 

Her phone went off, somewhere under the couch, she blindly reached for it and opened her messages. She has yet to actually sleep in the bed she'd bought three weeks ago, Chloe had only agreed to sleep in it her first week of work and would give it back whenever Beca was ready to sleep in it.

 **“Who is it?”** She let her eyes graze the letters of the message.

“It's Emily.” She murmured, sleepily.

 

_Legacy (to Beca) 4:00 PM: Hey Beca are you home?_

 

Beca didn’t miss the way she said ‘Beca’ instead of ‘sis’ like she usually did. It hadn’t been a huge deal, but it felt sad like passing a dead dog on the side of the road.

 **“It's been a while since you two talked.”** Marco sympathized.

“Yeah…” she trailed off. It was true, she hadn’t talked to Emily for almost over four weeks since their lunch with Imelda and Manuela. She felt guilty, and she felt like she was failing, and while those feelings aren’t exactly new they’re still unpleasant because Emily is her sister. Her sister should come before anything else, especially now.

 

_Beca (to Legacy) 4:03 PM: yes_

 

Then, three soft knocks came from her front door. Beca got up, eyeing the door, guessing that Emily would probably be behind it. She unlocked it and then she was presented with a hopeful, yet skittish brunette. “Can I come-” she didn’t get to ask her question because as soon as Beca saw her, she pulled her in and engulfed her in a tight embrace, and buried her face in the crook of her neck.

“Beca, why are you crying?” Emily asked concerned, as she kicked the door behind them closed.

“Sorry, I just really missed you I guess.” she muttered.

They sat on the couch after Emily came in. Beca kept her feet in her lap, and stared at the mug of tea in her hands. “Beca?”

“Yeah, Legacy?”

“You don't… you don't have to do my wedding if you don't want to.” Emily looked at her, Beca admired the way she matured over the years she'd known her. Her cheeks had less of the supple and innocent roundness to them and her voice was more poised and refined. She was a woman. “I, um… I understand that I really shouldn't have asked that of you after last year,” she paused and rolled her lips, considering her words carefully.

“And I'm sorry for doing that, I just really wanted my big sister there to watch the happiest day of my life.”

 **“She’s reaching out to you, Bec.”** Beca closed her eyes and tightened her grip around her mug. She swallowed her thick spit and cleared her throat, she tried to force him out of her head. **“Say something.”** This time it's Emily who teared up.

“Em,” she began softly. “It’s not that I don't want to, and I don't want you to feel bad about asking me because…” Beca took a deep breath and swiped away Emily's tears with the pad of her thumb. “I love you, and I’m honored that you want me there. You know I wouldn't miss it for the world, and it is hard, really hard actually, but…” she bit her lip and breathed out shakily.

**“You've got this.”**

“I just… I just need…”

 **“It's okay to ask for help.”** She shook her head and looked at her with pleasing eyes.

“I just need some time.” Beca concluded.

“Okay.” Emily whispered. She offered her a watery smile and leaned over to hug her. Beca let a few more tears escape eyes before separating from her arms.

“Alright, you sap, let me go.” Emily giggled and they smiled fondly at each other.

 **“Don't act like you don't like hugs.”** Beca ignored him and tried to focus on her sister.

Later that night, an hour before Chloe comes home, she made a phone call that was long over due.

“Hey, mom.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, another chapter, I have insomnia, sue me.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

**“I want to go to Seattle.” Chloe looked up from her box of takeout. She slowed her chewing and swallowed carefully, rolling her lips together, tasting a subtle hint of sweet and sour sauce.**

**“Oh, really?” Chloe replied, pecking at her noodles with chopsticks.**

**“I was thinking about leaving some time this weekend.” if she had been drinking her wine, she would've spat it out after hearing Beca's plans.**

**“Oh?” Her voice became pinched, and she cleared her throat, and shook her head. She brought a thin napkin to her lips and wiped any excess food from her mouth. “Why Seattle?” She asked, her tone was low and casual, yet slightly hopeful that it wasn't to run away again.**

**“Just feel like it.” Chloe nodded, even though Beca wasn't looking at her.**

**“How long do you think you'll be gone?” She inquired.**

**“I don't know, I'm still deciding.”**

…...

 

Chloe sat down on Aubrey's sofa, sighing loudly, listening to Aubrey move around in the kitchen. This would be her second day off from the clinic, and the first day Beca had been away in Seattle. It seemed like centuries passed between saying their goodbyes at the door and the actual time she's been absent. 

Chloe hated waiting and being patient and knowing and setting boundaries for herself, because all of those things prevented her from getting all the details from someone she cares about. “Stop thinking, I could smell the burning rubber.” Aubrey walked into the living room with a couple of beers and a pizza box.

“Sorry.” she replied meekly.

“Don't be, what's on your mind?” Aubrey plopped down beside her and set the pizza on the coffee table.

“I just worry, Bree.” Aubrey hummed with her lips curved around her glass.

“Beca?” She nodded and accepted a full glass into her hand. “I worry about her too.” she sighed, sadly. “She's been through a lot in the past two years, she deals with a lot  of things.” Chloe held her glass out for a refill and was quick to drink half.

“Oh, believe me, I know.” She put her glass on the coffee table and grabbed a slice of pizza. “She lost the receipt.”

“No!” Aubrey gasped, resting her wrist on her knee.

“Yeah,” Chloe took a bite and hastily chewed. “She cried for almost three hours, Bree!” Aubrey shook her head and ate her own pizza. Choe took another bite, not bothering to chew it thoroughly. “Did you know she was pregnant?” She watched guilt fall over Aubrey's eyes and she stopped eating.

“Yes… I knew.” She admitted.

“How could I have  _ not _ known?” She exclaimed.

“None of us knew until she told us, Chlo. They were very private people.”

“Private? In the entertainment industry?” Chloe asked incredulously.

“Yeah, very reclusive.” Aubrey nodded and took a sip of her wine. Chloe rubbed her fingers against her chin, trying to get her moral compass to help her out.

“What happened?” Her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, as if Beca would be able to hear her all the way from where she was at. 

“I can't…” Aubrey looked at her, with a look in her eyes, telling her she couldn't say with her mouth, but telling her something truly awful happened with her dark green eyes. “It's not my place and not my story to tell.” Chloe cast her eyes down, slightly disappointed, but aware of the trust Aubrey and Beca had between one another.

“I just wish she'd talk to me, Bree.” She took a sip of her wine and swished it around in her glass. 

“You know why she doesn't, Chloe.” Aubrey had never been the one to comfort her with lies or half truths. She was always straight and narrow with the things she wanted to say. “I distinctly remember her saying the same thing to me during the first few months of radio silence.” Chloe groaned and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm.

“I know, I know, I shouldn't have disappeared like I did, but things are different now.” Chloe stared hard into her glass and then back at Aubrey. “I just figured she didn't need me anymore.”

“Need you?” Aubrey's face screwed up in confusion. “Chloe, you are very aware of the fact that she never  _ needed _ you for anything.  _ You _ said she was an entirely different entity all on her own, okay? She never needed you there, she  _ wanted _ you there, and you left.” Aubrey scolded.

“I know, Aubrey! I failed! Thanks for the reminder!” Chloe yelled, bitterly. She sighed and ran a hand over her face. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout or anything, I just…” she let tears brim her eyes, and spill over. “I just hate not being able to help anymore, you know?” She sniffle and took the tissue Aubrey offered.

“Yeah, I know.” She rubbed her shoulder and wiped her own tears away. “But she'll pull through, Chlo. I know it.” Chloe sighed again and sat back, letting her shoulders slump. 

“I hope so.” She continued to eat her food in silence. How could she fix what she broke? She thought about this until her phone pinged, interrupting her completely.

 

_ Beca (to Chloe) 5:58 PM: just landed _

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty long.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Beca clenched her eyes shut as her plane landed, gripping the armrest like her life depended on it, despite the awkwardly placed hand of the sweaty passenger in the seat next to her. When the plane touched down and came to a complete stop, she was the first one unfastening her seatbelt and wrenching her luggage from the overhead storage, and out the door because she's always hated flying. Too crowded, too stuffy, too much social interaction for Beca to deal with, especially now since it would be her first time traveling since the previous summer.

As soon as she got out of the gate, she took a minute and stopped by a small kiosk and got herself an Uber. She didn't call her mother to pick her up or tell her what time her flight was, even though she had asked, Beca told her she had everything covered. And she did for the most part.

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 5:58 PM: just landed_

 

Beca wheeled her suitcase to a coffee shop inside the airport, and tried to remember the last time she flew anywhere. When she'd brought Marco home to her mother's, they'd driven the whole way, and when they'd gotten engaged both her parents flew in, the last time she'd taken a plane anywhere was probably for their honeymoon. They went to Paris for two weeks and took an extra week meandering through the surrounding countries. It was as blissful as one could imagine, despite air travel not being on her favorites list.

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 6:00 PM: how was your flight?? Aubrey says hi btw_

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 6:01 PM: it was okay ig and tell her I say hi back_

 

Beca's Uber arrived in the front pick up loop, and she hastened to get in, feeling sweat build on her temples as she passed the unsuspecting paparazzis. Luckily, they hadn't recognized her or paid any attention to her as she passed by and packed herself into the young woman's Prius. Her phone lit up on the seat after her driver confirmed the address she was given.

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 6:02 PM: at least you're off the plane now?? I know how you feel about flying n stuff_

 

The corner of Beca's mouth twitched up, slightly, for just a second. She was reminded that at a certain point, whether it was long ago or not, Chloe knew and still knows little random details about her like her dislike of flying. Her memory was quite eclectic.

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 6:07 PM: definitely glad to be on the ground_

 

Beca watched the trees pass by as they rolled down her old street. The park a block down from her house came into view, and Beca felt compelled to stop. “Excuse me? Can you just, um, drop me off here? Please?” her driver peered at her through her side eye and slowed the car at her request.

“Sure thing.” When the car slid up against the curb, the young woman unlocked the doors and opened the trunk to fetch her suitcase. “Here we are…” she turned around, and her innocent and worried eyes met Beca's for the first time since they'd departed from the airport. “Are you okay? Is there someone I should call or…” Beca shook her head and put on her most put together smile.

“I'm fine, thanks though.” She could see her decompress and relax with Beca's reassurance. She opened her door and got out of the car. After retrieving her suitcase from the trunk, she watched the Prius drive away and disappear behind the corner of the last stop sign and sighed.

The park always held a large significance to her youth, she learned how to ride a bike there on the sidewalk, played soccer on the small field, and smoked for the first time under the slide at the playground. It made her feel nostalgic, just looking at the foundation of her childhood. She sat on the same bench she would always sit at and listen to music on, and she sat her belongings beside her, and let herself dissociate from the world.

She let her mind travel to a fantasy far off, where she had a daughter and a son on the way, and Marco had a full album of her first pregnancy. She would pick Bella up from school when Stacie worked late and Aubrey is apart of her legal team. Then, somehow, a new image appeared, and she saw Chloe sitting at her breakfast bar with a drink in hand, laughing during one of their weekly get togethers. Her imagination stopped working as soon as she blinked and she was back to the park in her old neighborhood. It almost seemed perfect. Too perfect to have ever even had a chance of becoming a reality.

 

* * *

 

Beca brought her hand up to the side of the door, next to the small crystal window, and knocked three times. She rocked on the balls of her feet and looked around the porch, seeing the wind chimes she'd made in the third grade hanging on the far end near the swing and rocking chair. She could hear the pit pat of footsteps inside and then the door swung open, blowing soft warm air in her direction. “My Beca girl!” She was crunched into her mother, forced to release her iron grip on her luggage and hug her mother back. “You're blonde!” She exclaimed. Beca rolled her eyes and laughed softly, feeling it form and rattle in her chest.

“Hey, mom.” She greeted, lamely, not knowing what to say after being distant for so long. She closed her eyes and let herself feel the warmth and love radiating from the older woman. It'd been too long since she'd been inside of a home.

“It's so good to see you.” She whispered tearfully. She pulled back to examine Beca's face, she looked her dead in the eyes and cradled her face with the palm of her left hand. “Oh, Beca.” She said her name so reverently, making her feel the love and security her mother always exerted over her. “Come inside, are you hungry? I just finished making dinner.”

“Thanks, mom.” she walked over the threshold and closed the door behind her. She stood in the middle of the vestibule, and looked at all the pictures hung everywhere, and she breathed in the smell of the potpourri in the bowl on the shelf. She sighed and smiled warmly. “Home.”

 

* * *

 

It'd been four days since she arrived at her mother's. Four days of being able to lounge on the couch and have a glass of wine during dinner without being suspected of alcoholism. Not that Chloe would ever, but the concern was always present in her eyes.

Her mother didn't prod and push too hard, not that she ever had to, everything was gentle and soft, her mother's love wrapped around her like a scarf, constantly present even though there were a few hours during the day that she wasn't. Beca had her moments, none that ever went unnoticed by her mother, where she would seem absent. Not just from conversation, but from feelings and affection, her mind would wander off like a ghost with no place to haunt.

On the second day, she stood at the sink, attempting to wash dishes, but all she could focus on was Marco humming to an old song with a dish rag in his hand. The sink overflowed and her mother was quick to pull her hands out of the scalding hot water and empty the sink for her. She kissed her hands and brought her into a tight hug, and whispered needed affirmations into her ear, not asking about what had happened. She just knew.

Beca felt Marco's fingers trailing up and down her arm, she turned her face into her pillow and released a whimper, trying not to make too much noise and disturb her mother. Her shoulders shook violently and she couldn't keep the memories of their last visit to her mother's out of her head, she sucked in a breath through her nose, and she heard her door open, and feet padding toward her bed.

When she felt the mattress sink down, she turned around, and saw her mother's wise navy blue eyes illuminating her dark room. She let her mother hold her, she laid there with her head pressed against her chest, her fist clenching the material of her shirt, and her mother's elbow behind her neck, supporting her head.

It hadn’t occurred to Beca, until just now, that her life is not loveless, There is love in her life, she just hadn’t been able to see, and being in her mother’s arms, so protected and loved, felt like the moment the sunlight from the surface of the abyss was there and she could see it again, even if just for a little while.

 

* * *

 

It'd been ten days since her mother spent the night in her bed, and there were a lot more serious conversations that followed. Some concerning her sleeping patterns, or that she'd developed a 'drinking problem’, and some totally about therapy and Marco, and the new antidepressant prescription she's been taking.

This prescription was supposed to be better than the ones she used to take during high school. Loni had told her that they wouldn't make her weight go up and down, or cause her to become a detached zombie. If any of that had occurred, she agreed to find another prescription that would do its job sufficiently. Her mother was glad to know she was getting help, but Beca could see that she was clearly ecstatic about it even though her reaction was tame and controlled.

“Hey, mom?” She looked at her, over the rim of her coffee mug, and raised her eyebrow in response.

“Yes, Beca girl?” she held the mug in front of her mouth, letting the steam fog up her glasses.

“I want to go to my storage unit.” She watched her set the mug down on a coaster, not receiving any initial reaction from the woman about the subject. It'd been the first time she'd used the word 'my’ instead of 'ours’.

Loni had suggested to try and make small changes in the things she does or if she recognizes a pattern or habit, that even something as simple as changing a pronoun is a significant change. It still felt foreign leaving her tongue.

“Okay,” she smacked her lips after another sip. She didn't ask and make sure that she was ready to take such a step. She nodded and pulled her glasses off her face. “Did you want me to drive you and wait for you, or did you want me to just drop you off and you can call me when you're done?”

“If you don't mind waiting for me, that'd be good.”

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Beca had gathered up all the boxes she wanted to look through from her storage unit a week ago. She thought she'd been ready to open and look through them, but she wasn't. She anxiously tapped her fingers on the side and only stopped trying to force herself when her mother coaxed her into the car.

Her mother was at work today, and Beca was left at home with the boxes. “Now is as good a time as any.” She muttered. With shaky hands, pulled open the box and took a deep breath before looking inside.

 **“Oh God, look at that little onesie.”** She picked up all the pink baby clothes. She remembered when Marco had impulse bought all of it after discovering the sex. The tears seemed to start rolling down her face, almost as if on cue as she looked through all of the clothes. She put a load of laundry in the washer before sitting down in front of the last box she wanted to look through.

 **“Just open it.”** She ignored the way he hovered over her shoulder and peeled away the tape. She picked up the first sonogram picture from the pile and looked at her small grayscale bean in her early stages. She didn't bother wiping her face because new tears immediately took the place of the old ones. She and Marco had made a small flip book of sorts of each doctor's appointment, up until the last one.

She didn't get the chance to become the size of a planet, but she had two faded stretch marks at the bottom right of her stomach she used to call her lightening bolts. She reached down into her baggy pajama bottoms and felt the bumpy skin under her fingertips, committing the feeling to memory.

The rest of the pictures were just of Beca and her small belly or on the special chair in her OB’s office. By the end of the hour, a vacant look took over her face, and she took the freshly washed infants clothes and delivered them to her mother's pregnant next door neighbors.

 

* * *

 

It'd been three days since looking through the things from her pregnancy and she'd felt more distraught than when she'd looked at pictures of her and Marco. She hadn't left her room except to get a shower or coffee when her demons wouldn't let her sleep at night. Her mother cried alongside her and voiced her concerns about the effects of going through her memories so suddenly. She called Chloe. She waited through three rings before she answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Chloe.” She rolled a pencil down a binder on her desk, like a ramp.

“Hey, Becs! How's it going over there?” Beca just wanted to have a conversation. She didn't feel like pouring out any kind of feelings at the moment.

“It's good, it's nice to see my mom. She says hi, by the way.”

“That's good to hear and tell her I said hi back.” Beca found herself smiling just a little and then Chloe started speaking again. “How are _you_ doing though?”

“Well…” Beca began. She pushed herself up from the rolling chair and looked out the window. “I…”

 **“It's okay not to be okay, babe.”** she paused and rolled her lips together.

“Can I get back to you on that one?” She rubbed her forehead and slowly walked around her bedroom.

“Of course, I'm always here.” She could hear the sincerity in her voice. Chloe squeaked and brightened the conversation, to Beca's relief. “Speaking of here, I am at your place now, with Gus.”

“Tell my guy I'll be back soon, will you?”

“Sure thing, Becs!” A minute of silence passed. “I'm really glad you called.” She admitted. Beca sighed and laid down on her bed and stared at her ceiling.

“Me too.” And that was true.

 

* * *

 

Beca called Loni the next day, for a Skype session before going back to LA. “I understand that Chloe was, and is, a big part of your life, but you _did_ mention having a sort of falling out after that tour-”

“The USO Tour.” Beca supplied.

“Yes,” Loni confirmed. “Can you tell me about that?”

“Um,” Beca ran a hand through her hair and swiped her forefinger under her nostrils. “Yeah, um… well, I guess she had been a big part of my life for, like, a little over seven years?” She stated, sounding like a question.

“And you were in love with her during that time?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Beca scratched her chin and frowned pensively. “And, um, I guess after the tour and I got signed, we just stopped talking.” She rolled her shoulders and slumped back into the rolling chair. “Not, like, little by little, but complete radio silence after I moved out.”

“Oh, really?” She could see Loni taking notes on the side. “Do you know why, or had it been totally out of the blue?” Beca took a minute to think about that year. It wasn't always a pleasant thing to remember.

“Out of the blue, like, really sudden. I, um, I was really broken up about it for the first few months.” She confessed.

“I can understand that. Being cut off by somebody who was rooted so deeply in your life had to have had a pretty negative impact on you.” She nodded and Loni took more notes. “How did you handle it?” Beca hummed and took a drink from her water bottle.

“I mostly just talked to one of my closest friends about it.” she nodded at nothing.

“That's good. You've also mentioned that she met somebody while you were overseas, do you think that's why she stopped talking to you?”

“No,” she replied almost instantly. “Chloe wouldn't do that, I-I don't really know why, but I do know that she's not that type of person.”

“Why _do_ you think she stopped talking to you?” The question Beca had asked herself almost a million times.

“I…” Beca hesitated. “I think she just got busy, we _both_ got busy…” she gripped the armrest and tapped her thumb against the curve of her knee cap. “But, I guess at the same time I wasn't exactly trying to keep strong contact either.”

“And why is that?”

“I don't know, I guess it really hurt me to keep everything in because I thought I was gonna ruin everything.” She mumbled. “When she ghosted me, I just thought it was a sign that I should let her go.” Loni let out a noncommittal hum and wrote some more.

“What are your thoughts now that she's back?” She looked at the camera in a way that made it look like she was staring Beca directly in the eyes.

“Honestly, I don't really know… but I guess it's good that we reconnected?”

“It sounds to me that it's a good thing.” Beca nodded again and Loni swept her hair up into a bun. “Have you confronted her at all about her absence? Asked her why she left?”

“No… not exactly.” Beca sighed and looked out her bedroom window. “I only asked her why she came back, but she didn't answer that question either.” She said dejectedly.

“Maybe try bringing it up again. It might be a totally different discussion now than it was then.” Beca nodded and thought about it. Maybe Loni was getting at something.

 

* * *

 

Beca reflected on her visit heavily. It didn't feel like she'd been there for long, but it'd already been three weeks and four days. Time flew by so fast, she wasn't sure she was ready to return to her apartment yet, but she knew it was time. She couldn't stay with her mother forever. “Okay, mom, really! Let me go, I'll be back, but the driver is waiting.”

“Oh, just a little longer?” Her mother whined, with tears forming in her eyes.

“Mom, I'll see you again okay?” Beca hugged her again and let her own tears fall. “I'll call you every weekend.”

“You better.” She teased and pinched her upper arm. She brought her in for one last hug. “Oh, my Beca girl.” She cooed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, mom.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Neve Campbell would be Beca's mom
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years, guys :)
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

**“Oh my God, babe, is that a gray hair?” Marco exclaimed, setting her birthday cupcake on the dresser. He moved closer, slowly, like a predator stalking its prey.**

**“No, no, I know what you're thinking…” Beca glared at him. “You wouldn't dare.”**

**“Oh, I would.” He smirked. He jumped on the bed, quickly crawling as fast as he could.**

**“Marco, no! No, no, no, no! No-” he pinned her and pulled the gray hair out from the side of her head, holding it up in the light, with it's follicle dangling at the end.**

**“Dude, you're totally a grandma now.” He said in awe.**

**“Shut the fuck up, you're older than me.” She seethed. He lowered his face and gave her a small and intimate kiss.**

**“Happy birthday, babe.”**

……

 

“Happy birthday to you-” Beca sat up quick and shook her head, with a menacing glare.

“No, no, no, none of that.” She warned. Beca was thirty years old today. She stared at Emily and Chloe, standing at the foot of the couch, with Stacie and Aubrey flanking them. “No birthday shit.” The girls looked at each other and looked back at her, singing louder and off key like they used to. “No!” Beca put her pillow over her head and let out a muffled whine.

Soon, the whines became sobs and she looked up at them with a trembling lip, and sad eyes. “Please stop.” all the sounds coming from their mouths stopped immediately. Chloe was the first to sit down beside her, the rest of them followed and sat along the couch on the floor.

“Bec-” she got up quickly and locked herself in the bathroom. She took a minute to let her heart rate go back to normal and she rinsed the tears off her face. She looked at herself as she brushed her teeth, seeing nothing but blonde hair, no grays whatsoever. She shook her head and reminded herself of the guests in her living room, who'd she'd just flipped out on.

She spit and finished off with mouthwash, trying to stall as long as possible. She grabbed a capsule from her orange prescription bottle and walked out slowly, working up the nerve to apologize to her friends.

When she reached the living room, they were all sitting in the same spots she'd left them in, whispering until she was fully in earshot. All of them looked at her guiltily, obviously worried they'd upset her. She felt awful, but it wasn't their fault. They were just trying to bring a little joy to her thirtieth birthday. She said nothing and continued to walk to the kitchen, she heard them shift behind her, feeling their eyes on her.

She grabbed a plastic spoon from the drawer and the jar of peanut butter from the pantry, shoving a spoonful in her mouth so she could take her medicine without having to have a full meal. She looked up as the capsule when down her throat with the water on the counter. It was a quick process, but she liked to take her time and remind herself why she was doing it. She leaned against the counter, in deep thought, the apartment was silent as if no one was there except her.

Finally, after thoroughly finishing her new routine, she turned around and faced the worried eyes behind her. “Hi.” She chirped, trying not to sound like she was just reassessing her life.

“Hey.” All of them said collectively. She walked around to the breakfast bar and sat at one of the stools.

“Um…” she didn't know where to start. “I'm sorry about, um… that.” She cast her eyes down for a second and squeezed them closed, forcing away the headache. She opened them and locked eyes with Chloe, she nodded encouragingly with a small apologetic smile on her lips.

“And thanks, for, um, for doing this…” She vaguely shifted her eyes around the room, seeing the small cupcake on the end table, freezing for a moment. “But, I really, um, don't want to celebrate today and-” all of her friends looked so disappointed, after Beca obviously ruined their plans for the day. “Well…” she sighed, bringing back their attention. “Just-” she grunted and tapped her collar bone, anxiously, until Gus came and sat at her feet to comfort her.

“We're not celebrating my birthday, okay? No happy birthday, or presents, or cake, or confetti, but if you want to go out and do something fun, we can.” All of them shared a look and then looked at Beca again, with happy smiles on their faces. She could already tell that they were willing to accept her compromise.

“Okay, no birthday stuff.” Chloe said, nodding and looking at all of them. “Say no more.”

“But-” they all shot daggers at Emily for objecting. Beca gave her a soft look, telling her to continue. “But, like, _no_ cake?” She pouted. Stacie chuckled and looked at her.

“Well, yeah, we can't just get a cake if it won't be a birthday cake.”

“The cake doesn't have to know.” Emily bargained. All of them laughed and Beca smiled fondly at her. She was in for one anti-birthday party.

 

* * *

 

She threw a shot back, totally numb to the burn at this point in her life. She knew that she'd have a hangover the next day, and her thirty year old body wouldn't handle it as well as her twenty-nine year old body would, but somehow that was okay with her. Or maybe she didn't realize the consequences of her actions at the moment. “Beca!” Stacie called in a sing-song manner.

“Yeah?” She leaned over and took a drink of her beer.

“I have a dare for you!” She shoved her phone in her face, making her go cross eyed with the closeness of the small screen. It was a video of her on Ellen, rapping to a song she couldn't hear over the loud music in the club, but knew exactly what she was asking.

“Nope! No ham, no ma'am. Sorry, Charlie, and hit the road, Jack. Bueno bye, not happening.” She shook her head fiercely, nearly sloshing her beer over Chloe's lap.

“Come on, Becs!” Chloe cheered. Emily smiled and squeezed her knee.

“Please, Beca?” Pulling her best puppy dog eyes.

“Girls, girls, she's not gonna do it,” Aubrey told them. “She's clearly not up for it-” then Beca immediately angled herself toward Aubrey.

“What's that supposed to mean, Blondie?” She glared.

“You're just not as badass anymore, you're an adult who doesn't take silly dares.” She could see the haughty and challenging intentions in her eyes. She squared her shoulders and arched an eyebrow at her.

“Hold my beer.” She handed it off to one of them and marched right up to the small stage to put her name on the list for karaoke and talked to the MC about what she wanted to do, and he eagerly approved and wanted to see her do it. After the last person had gone, he handed her a mic and she stood there on the stage, feeling hot under the lights like she would at a concert.

She looked out at the patrons, waiting for her intro. “Hi,” the intro to Ante Up started playing and she smiled gracefully and ran her fingers through her hair, before gently clearing her throat. Then she closed her eyes and began the song.

She listened to the rhythmic clapping and smiled. She was about to finish when she took one wrong step and fell off the stage. So much for being an adult who didn't accept dares. She felt the undeniable ache in her head, and everything sounded extremely far away or under water. She cracked open her eyes a little, seeing random strangers and then Chloe's face hovering over hers.

“Beca? Beca, can you hear me?” She tried to nod, but it hurt to move so quickly. Chloe grabbed her hand, she felt warm and soft or maybe Beca was just really disoriented and drunk at the moment. She hoisted her up off the ground slowly. “Easy, Becs, easy.”

“Woah,” Beca groaned. When she stood up straight, everyone cheered loudly, and it rang in her ears. “Fuck.” She winced. The MC went on, applauding her for her small performance and for taking that nasty fall 'like a champ’. Chloe's hand didn't let go, though. Surprisingly, she was fine with that too.

“Let's get you home.”

 

* * *

 

She burst through her front door with what she thought was gusto, but was really unskilled and clumsy. “Oh God, I'm so thirsty!” She trudged over to the sink, with Chloe hovering and watching carefully behind her. She didn't realize how bad she needed water until her third glass.

She wondered if their waitress even offered them water at all in the first place and if so, then she's getting a rude Yelp review for not giving it to them. She looked at Chloe, catching the way she was watching her, unsure about what to do, so she decided to speak. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course, what's up?” Chloe asked. Beca tilted her head to the side and looked at her.

“Do you think I'm okay?” Chloe smiled and stood across from her, against the opposite counter.

“Yeah,” Chloe took her left hand, like she used to in school, and just held it, making circles on the inside of her palm. “I think you're okay, and you know what?” She leaned in and whispered. “One day you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna feel great.” Beca let herself smile at that and then Chloe dropped her hand to look for something in the cabinet. “But not tomorrow because you really partied tonight.”

“Hey, it's my birthday.” Beca argued. Chloe looked at her with playfully narrowed eyes.

“I thought you said you didn't want it to be your birthday?”

“I don't make the rules, okay?” She out her hands up in defense and laughed when Chloe laughed. She gave her two aspirins and nudged her out of the kitchen.

“Off to bed with you.” She willingly walked through her bedroom door, and abandoned her shoes in the middle of the room, and collapsed on her bed. “Happy birthday, Bec.”

“Mm.” She responded with no words, and Chloe left her room, and Beca laid flat on her stomach on her bed.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Progress!
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for you, RJRMovieFan! Happy late birthday ❤
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

“How are things going with the wedding?” Loni prompted, sipping her tea and resting the steaming mug on her knee.

“They're going, I guess.” Beca mumbled, suddenly finding the lint on her sleeve very interesting. Loni hummed and scribbled on her notepad.

“And what does that mean?” Beca peered up at her and then back down.

“They're just going, that's all.” Her tone was growing irritated by the second, knowing that Loni was trying to gauge a reaction from her.

“Has it been stressful lately? I can only imagine what kinds of turmoil you're going through helping everyone.” Beca nodded submissively, sighing and making eye contact with her.

“Emily is freaking out.”

“Why?”

“Because her mother in-law hasn't been attending meetings for the wedding party and the wedding is coming.” Loni nodded and set her mug on the coffee table so she could lean in.

“Well, that problem seems pretty fixable doesn't it?” Beca rolled her eyes and sat back, crossing her arms over her chest.

“It's not that easy.”

“Why not?” Loni asked, knowing the answer.

“You know why.” She nearly growled. Loni still remained unaffected by her hostility, and her face was completely free of emotions. Beca could still see the ulterior motives though. “My mother in-law is going to be her mother in-law, and we cannot be within five feet of each other because she hates my guts.” she deadpanned, almost like a question as if she were asking Loni if the situation rang any bells.

“So, are you more stressed that Emily is stressed or that you have to face Marco's mother?” Loni pressed.

“What kind of question is that?”

“You've said that your mother in-law is a little difficult.” Beca chuckled humorlessly.

“That's a massive understatement,” Beca chortled. “She wouldn't know humility if it bit her on the ass.” Loni held in a laugh and smiled fondly.

“What happened between you two that kept you from speaking and bonding?” Beca completely shut down at the question and thought back to the announcement of their engagement. “Beca?” Loni placed her hand on her knee, making her jerk at the contact.

“Sorry, sorry…” she apologized profusely.

“Don't be sorry, just be honest.” Loni said softly. She squeezed her knee, comfortingly, before completely retracting her hand and mirroring Beca's position in her chair. “Whatever it is, is nothing to be sorry about, especially if it hurts you.” Beca cleared her throat and wiped her face, not realizing she'd started crying.

“I… I'm not sure…” she grunted and rolled her lips together, and looked up to keep the tears in. When she refocused, Loni gave her a tissue and gave her a reassuring smile. “I don't know why she hates me, or maybe she doesn't, I don't know, but what I do know is she never even looked twice before deciding I just wasn't enough.”

“How do you know she thought you weren't enough?”

“She said flat out,” Beca laughed. “On more than one occasion.”

“When was the first time.”

“The night Marco was going to propose to me.”

“I can imagine how upset he'd been with his mother.” Loni frowned, in deep thought.

“No, actually, he tried to have faith that she would come around, but she didn't.” She answered dejectedly. “But he never stopped hoping.”

“Do you think she wanted to fix things?” Beca pondered it for a moment.

“I'm not sure.” She bit her lip and tapped her knee. “I don't think she was open to it then.”

“What about now?”

“We haven't talked since that day at lunch.” Loni nodded and put the tip of her pen to her lips.

“Do you think maybe she's hurting as much as you? Maybe more?” Loni asked curiously, obviously trying to challenge Beca's way of thinking.

“Not hurting more,” Loni raised her eyebrows and Beca quickly put her finger up, signaling her to let her explain what she meant. “She doesn't hurt the same as me, but I know that she hurts. No parent should outlive their child.” Beca concluded. Her answer caused Loni's eyes to light up, seeing that she gave her what she wanted.

“Okay, so do you think if she knew about your baby that she would know that you know what it feels like to lose a child? That _you_ could empathize with _her_?”  Beca was mind blown by the concept. It almost seemed as if Loni knew she'd say something to that effect.

“I've never actually thought about that before.” Loni nodded victoriously, and looked behind her at the clock and turned around to face Beca.

“That's our time for today, but is it alright if I give you homework?” Beca uncertainty nodded, not totally thrilled about having homework. “Try to talk to her, or write her a letter maybe.” Beca mulled it over and stood up.

“Okay, see you next week.” Beca walked out of the building and spotted Aubrey's car waiting for her in the first parking space next to the entrance. She quickly got in the car and wordlessly buckled up.

“How'd it go today?” Beca closed her eyes and looked up at the roof of the car.

“It was a total mind fuck.” she said absently, still thinking of what Loni had asked her. Aubrey laughed and started the car.

“Yeah, that's therapy for you.”

 

* * *

 

It'd been two days since her last session. Beca had paced in front of her house at least three times, looking at the windows and the empty driveway. Chloe told her it was a good idea, that maybe her letter would get through to Imelda and help her heal, so Beca found herself standing on the sidewalk, loitering basically, waiting for an excuse to get back in her car and drive away. Her in-laws weren't home, she had no reason to be nervous. She scoffed at herself and shook her head.

“What are you waiting for?” She marched right up to the door and fetched the spare key from under the potted plant beside the mat.

She walked in and made her way straight to the kitchen and left her envelope right on the table. It was a simple mission, all she had to do was go in and leave her letter. She was half way down the hallway when she stopped to look at all the pictures on the wall. She looked directly at the one of Marco and his mother at his high school graduation. The two looked so happy. She smiled and brought her finger up to the picture, caressing his face longingly. She heard something outside and rushed to get out of the house before anybody came home.

Her heart thumped in her chest and she tapped her thumb anxiously on the steering wheel as she drove. Driving already made her nervous, and she was also nervous about Marco's mom reading her letter, so she was practically on the verge of going into cardiac arrest. She hoped she wouldn't think she was a coward for not doing it in person.

She listened to the radio, and she barked out a laugh when she heard one of the first songs off her first of only two albums. She allowed herself to nod along to the beat as she slowed down at a red light. She looked around the intersection and she spotted a Walgreens across the way. She flicked on her blinker and rolled right into the parking lot.

She didn't know what she was shopping for, but she browsed all the snacks, picking up a stick of Starbursts for Chloe and an energy drink from the fridge. She'd been passing by the hair care aisle, with no intention of buying or looking at hair dye, but the idea wasn't totally unwelcomed.

She was just wandering down the aisles, she ended up in the magazine section, looking through all the celebrity gossip tabloids. She found one of herself with a ridiculous rehab rumor as the headline. She threw her head back and laughed at the first few pages.

“Psst!” She quickly dropped the magazine lower and turned around to see a man wearing sunglasses peaking around one of the shelves.

“Hi…” she responded hesitantly. The man stepped out and she recognized him immediately.

“Beca?”

“Hey, Theo.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *DJ Khaled voice* ANOTHER ONE
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

It'd been a total shock to see Theo. It's been almost two years since she'd last seen him. He asked her out for coffee to catch up, but she was picking Chloe up for work. He asked if he could text her, and if she had the same phone number, she replied yes to both questions. Chloe seemed quiet during the retelling of their run in.

“So, a date?” She asked. Beca moved around her in the kitchen, flipping the eggs in the pan.

“No.” she grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it. She hadn't thought seriously of the word in a long time. “Probably just coffee.” Chloe nodded and chewed her lip, accepting the answer.

“Have you heard anything?” Beca took a sip.

“No.”

“Think you will?”

“I don’t know.” She took another drink, tapping her fingers against the side.

“What do you think she'll say?” She set her glass on the counter and slid the egg onto a plate next to the toast.

“I don't know.” She handed the plate to Chloe and started making another one.

“Do you think she'll be mad?” She asked with a mouth full. Beca looked back at her with a frown.

“Maybe? I honestly don't know… what's with all the cop questions, dude?” she listened to the sizzle of the egg against the oil.

“Sorry.” Chloe apologized. Beca softened her stare and shrugged.

“It’s fine.” Chloe set her plate in the island and grabbed her bag.

“Okay…” she walked to the entryway and grabbed her keys. “See you when I get back!”

“Bye, Chlo.” The words died on her tongue and Chloe was already too far down the hall for her to reply.

 

* * *

 

Beca dropped her pencil and walked toward the door. The knocking only grew far more intense. “I'm coming!” She called, slightly annoyed with the visitor. She opened it, and was given no chance to react and digest the fact that her mother in-law had stormed past her with red eyes and ruined makeup. “Come in…” she trailed off, with words to properly express the confusion she was feeling at the moment. When she turned around she saw Imelda tapping her foot and leaning against the counter.

“How… how far along?”

“What?”

“How far along were you, Rebeca?” She made eye contact with the woman, seeing her letter folded neatly in between her thumb and forefinger, automatically knowing what she was referring to.

“Five months.” she said. Her voice cracked and she looked down at her feet, waiting for the yelling to start. It didn't. Instead, Imelda walked toward her with tears in her own eyes. She reached out, but she pulled away almost immediately, like if her hand was going to get burnt from being too close.

“I shouldn't… I shouldn't have came… I-I’m sorry, I should…” she bustled out the door without looking back or making sure it didn't slam. Beca didn't move, she stood there in shock, unable to say anything or move. Tears trickled down her cheeks and gasping noises kept escaping her throat each time she tried to reassure herself.

She was feeling too overwhelmed too fast to register, her hands shook erratically, and her chest felt tight. She could feel vomit coming up her throat, and her heart felt like it was being wrapped in shrink wrap. Gus ran over and nudged her calf aggressively, barking around her in a circle, and nipping at her ankles like he always did until she budged. She looked around at her surroundings, to ground herself.

 

……

**“Anytime you're feeling an attack happening, just count the things around you.” Loni looked around the room for an example. “Like one thing that's blue, and two that are red, and three gray things.”**

**“So, what does that do?” Beca asked, intrigued by the coping mechanism.**

**“It just takes your mind away from that tight feeling in your chest, it makes you think of something else.”**

……

 

Beca looked around her and tried to find three blue things. She looked around, frantically, trying to find something blue. Her eyes zeroed in on a water bottle on the counter, it had a blue cap. She looked around again and saw a pair of blue jeans sticking out of Chloe's bag, and a Colorado mug on her shelf.

She kept doing this until her heart slowed, and she counted four things that were gray, and five things that were purple. Gus settled down and she grabbed a water bottle and walked around with her hands above her head, needing to stretch. What had she done?

 

* * *

 

Beca was laying in bed, staring at nothing, when Chloe knocked on her door. “Bec?”

“Come in.” She called, eyes not moving from the patch on the wall. Chloe walked in, and sat on the bed.

“Hungry? I made meatloaf?”

“No, thank you.” Beca mumbled. Chloe adjusted on the bed and rubbed Beca's arm. Her vision grew muddled by unshed tears.

“Tough day?” She could hear a familiar thickness in her voice, but she couldn't turn around and face her just yet.

“Yeah.” She choked out. She felt Chloe's arms come around her and tuck her face into her neck.

“Me too.” Beca felt tears drop onto her, she blinked and let her own tears roll down her cheeks. She turned around to face Chloe, her blue eyes were so sad and hurt.

“What happened?” Chloe cried a little harder, and pulled Beca closer. She did her best to comfort her, while trying to receive comfort from Chloe's embrace. After the sobs died down, Chloe pulled away to look at her.

“We got a case today,” she sniffled and wiped her eyes. “The puppy, he chewed up a cord a few weeks ago, but he didn't digest the wires.” New tears appeared and Beca brushed away the hair from her face. “We had to put him down.” Chloe closed her eyes with tears streaming down her face uncontrollably, the bed shook with her sobs, and Beca's heart strained at the sight.

“Oh, Chloe.” she brought her into a hug and they lied there for a while as Chloe cried. She thought of Imelda's brief visit, how she stormed in like she'd been angry, and attempted to comfort her, but then left horrified with either her decision to visit because of the letter or the information she'd retained from the letter.

Chloe broke away from her hold and looked her in the eyes. She brushed her fingers against her cheek and she sighed. “Did you hear from her?” She murmured. Beca just nodded in response. “Was she mad?”

“I… don't know.”

“What did she say?” Chloe rubbed her arm up and down again, making Beca suppress a light shudder.

“Not much.” She felt a sharp pang of guilt in her heart and started crying again. Chloe pulled her back into her and let her cry.

“It'll be okay.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's progress.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Emily's wedding was in less than a month. That was only weeks to finalize everything, including the week long trip to Malibu for the bachelorette party, that was a surprise planned by Beca, the other bridesmaids, and the Bellas.

However, some of the things that were not finalized, that should've been weeks ago, was the cake, and flowers, and table cloths, and their honeymoon. “It's my wedding! How am I supposed to walk down the aisle without my bouquet? And the honeymoon! Oh my God!” Beca could hear Emily having a total meltdown behind the door.

“Are you sure you could handle it?” she looked at the girls cowering behind her.

“I'm Beca Mitchell,” she was surprised at her own introduction. It'd been years since she used her maiden name. “I can handle it.” her muttered, without confidence unlike her first statement. It almost felt _freeing_ to use her maiden name again, like she'd been strung up by balloons, flying off the ground for years and someone cut away a balloon, making her jostle and notice the change in the weight.

She opened the door and walked in on Emily throwing throw pillows at Brady, yelling at him. “You better fix this!” Her eyes were wild and teary, it could definitely be deemed as a Bridezilla moment.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Beca came in between the two, protecting Brady from imminent danger. “Legacy, look at me.” She waited for Emily to be distracted before she could slightly turn to Brady. “Brady, run.”

“Bye, pumpkin, I love you!” He started jogging on his way out, and Emily's dragon eyes flickered to him, reigniting the fire she just put out.

“You better fix it!” she threw a bowl of assorted candies at the door, spilling the contents everywhere.

“Legacy, hey, hey, look at me.” she put her hands up and slowly moved close to her. “Hey, it's okay, I'm here, just tell me what to do to fix all of this.” She put her hands on her shoulders and looked into the distressed honey eyes before her.

“Emily, tell me what needs to be done.” Emily let her angry expression fall, and let her shoulders sag forward as she sank down onto the couch.

“Brady didn't confirm our reservations, so we lost them, and the bakery is closing because the owner is going on some stupid baking show and I don't have a cake anymore, and the florist called to confirm firm my five bouquets of _baby's breath_ instead of my baby pink roses and white calla lilies.” She rubbed her temples with her index and middle fingers. Beca kneeled in front of her and thought of ways to fix all the issues. “Everything is just so messed up now.”

“Okay… okay, you know what? When I was getting married, I had a failsafe, if I couldn't get from a big company, I'd go local and that's what we're gonna do okay?”

“Yeah… yeah, okay.” Emily nodded eagerly. “Let's go local.”

“That's my girl.” Beca winked and opened her the keypad on her phone. She thought more about her last name.

 

* * *

 

“I'm just saying, Beca, maybe it'll help you heal.”

“My answer was no, and it still is, Theo.” Beca replied flatly as she took her mucky hair out of its clip. “And that was a very personal notebook, you shouldn't have read through it.” She knelt down in front of the bathtub and turned the faucet on.

“I'm sorry, you're right, but it was just laying out on the counter, I was curious!” He reasoned, taking a seat on the edge of the tub.

“I should be pissed at you.” She put her head under the water and massaged her scalp.

“But you're not, and I think it's because you think I'm right.”

“Theo, those songs are about my husband, they're not for anybody else, alright?” Theo sighed and looked down at her trying to wash the back of her head.

“Need some help?”

“No.” She struggled for about three minutes before relenting and hanging over the edge of the tub. “Yes…” Theo chuckled and cupped his hand underneath the faucet and poured it over the back of her head.

“Beca, I'm just saying…” he grabbed the shampoo from the floor and squirted it into his hand. “Maybe it'll help you heal.”

“I can't.” Theo rinsed her head again and made sure to get the soap out.

“Beca…” he grabbed the conditioner and repeated. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“I think he'd want you to do it.”

“Nevermind, lie to me.” he helped her rinse her hair one last time.

“Marco was a wonderful man, Beca. You and I both know he wouldn't want you to stop growing.” Beca didn't respond. He grabbed a towel off the rack to his left and handed it to her. “I'm just trying to help, I'm honestly worried about you.” He said softly.

She couldn't fathom ever letting anyone hear what she wrote for him. Loni had suggested she try writing again, and as soon as the pencil touched down on paper everything she wanted to say poured out onto the page like a flood. They are extremely personal and emotional words, they’re her _feelings_ , not just cliché lyrics that could potentially make a lot of money.

 **“There's someone you're forgetting to be.”** She looked at Marco standing at the sink and she sat back against the tub. She couldn't imagine doing it, but maybe Theo had a point. She inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly through her nose. She stood up and bent to wrap her hair in the towel. When she stood up right, her facial expression prompted Theo to stand.

“Can-” her voice got caught in her throat. She coughed once and willed the pain away from her chest. “Can I just think about it?” Theo smiled and nodded at her.

“Of course.”

 

****

 

Chloe dragged her tired feet out of the elevator and to Beca's hall. She was so tired, she felt like she exerted more energy than she actually had inside of her. She approached her door and fished for the key in her bag, and stuck it into the keyhole, but the door opened and Theo stepped out. “Oh, hi, Chloe, how are you?” She looked at him for a second, but then she smiled as brightly as could.

“Hey, Theo, I'm good… what about you?” She didn't want to seem rude by not asking about him, but she really just wanted to get inside and curl up on the couch and watch TV with Beca.

“I'm good, I'm good.” They stood there for a long two minutes before Theo snapped. “Sorry, I'm probably in your way.” She chuckled awkwardly and stepped by him. She wondered why he was there. Beca only said she was going to an Emily thing, she didn't say she'd be having company. Then again, it was _her_ apartment, she didn't really have to tell Chloe anything.

If she'd known Theo would be there when she got off work, she would've swung by Aubrey's instead and give Beca some space so they could catch up. Then, a thought intruded her mind, and she thought of the possibility of the two getting together. The idea didn't sit well with Chloe at all.

“Where's Beca? She didn't say you were dropping by today.” She opted to stay in her coat in case she wanted to leave. She didn't want to stick around if her thoughts were right.

“Oh, she's just in the bathroom. I texted her earlier, and we met for coffee.”

“And then you came back here?” Chloe was horrified. What if they'd come back and-

“Hey, Chlo.” Beca walked into the living room, with a towel around her head like a turban and a raggedy t-shirt. “How was work?” She pulled her in for a hug and breathed her in, squeezing as hard as she could without seeming weird and needy. Beca smelled odd. _Industrial_ , almost, like chemicals.

“Long.” Beca squeezed her just as tight, swiping her thumb back and forth on her lower back. Chloe was certain she could just fall asleep like this, but then someone cleared their throat, and she was reminded that Theo was there. _Great._ Chloe unwrapped herself from Beca to look at Theo.

“Sorry to cut our visit short, but I got something to take care of at work.”

“Okay, no sweat, it was good to hang out, we should do it again.” Beca said with an arm still over Chloe's shoulder, not having let go yet. Chloe pressed further into her side, reveling in the warmth.

“And, Beca?” Theo stopped at the door and turned around. “Think about it.” Chloe looked at her, still tucked in her side.

“I will.” He nodded once more and closed the door. After he was gone, Beca slipped away from her, and leaned against the island.

“Think about what?” Chloe asked curiously.

“Music stuff,” Beca said lightly. Chloe could tell it was more than 'music stuff’, but she wouldn't pry just yet, Beca would tell her in her own time, she gotten better at the whole communication thing. “Nothing important.”

“Oh.”

“You okay? You seem quiet.” Beca asked, crossing the distance and standing right in front of Chloe, staring at her with slight concern. Chloe smiled and shook her head.

“I'm fine,” Beca seemed to be extra gentle these days. Softer, in a way, like if she'd remembered that she and Chloe were friends and that she didn't have to be solid all the time.

She sought out Chloe's touch and the touch of others more often, and Chloe wasn't sure if she'd been kidnapped and cloned or if it was something recommended in therapy or her medication taking effect, but Chloe could see the very noticeable change in her friend.

“Just tired.” Beca hummed in response and walked to the bathroom. When Chloe had come in, she just wanted to kick off her shoes and relax, but now that she's started talking to Beca, she couldn't help but just follow her and inquire about her day.

“How was Emily?” She watched Beca hook up the blow dryer and grab the brush from the drawer next to the sink.

“She was having a _total_ freak-out when I got there.” Beca turned around and leaned against the sink looking at Chloe.

“Why? What happened?”

“Well, at first there was some stuff we still needed to do, like her bachelorette in Malibu, and the last fitting for her wedding dress this week, but a bunch of stuff wasn't done.” Beca sighed and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palm. “She didn't have a cake, or a honeymoon, _and_ the florist had the wrong flowers for the bouquets.”

“No!” Chloe said unbelievingly. Those were very important things to have done _before_ the actual wedding.

“Yep, and I told her not to worry, we went local for the cake, and the florist too since they wouldn't change the order. Things are looking okay now, but for the honeymoon I just booked a two extra weeks at the beach house in Malibu for their honeymoon instead of Cancun.” Beca shrugged it off, like she hadn't just claimed she potentially saved a wedding.

“You're really good at all this.” Chloe smiled. Beca just smiled back and nodded.

“Yeah…” Beca opened her towel and revealed a dark color in place of the blonde.

“Woah.” Beca looked at her through the reflection of the mirror, unwrapping her head.

“What?” She asked, slowly pulling the rest of the towel away.

“You dyed your hair.” Beca smiled sheepishly and hung her towel up behind them.

“Yeah… I, um, got tired of the blonde, so…” she grabbed the comb and started raking through the dark locks of hair. Chloe stared as she ran the comb through her hair, making the brown more visible in the light.

She caught sight of Beca's face in the mirror, and she was stunned by how _Beca_ she looked. It was like taking a time machine back to Brooklyn, and waking up to see her in the morning. Her dark hair contrasted with her creamy skin, and her pink lips.

When she found her eyes, it seemed like the dark hair brought out the deep blue, and Chloe's breath caught in her throat. Then Beca made eye contact with her through the mirror. “Do you not like it, or?” Chloe rapidly shook her head in a fashion that was far too fast to be considered as 'just looking’.

“No, no, I like it.” Chloe could've sworn she saw the lightest blush creep up her neck. “I think you look great as a brunette.” She averted her navy blue eyes at the compliment and looked down.

“Thank you.” She mumbled. Chloe nodded and put her hand on her back between her shoulder blades. Either she was going crazy, or Beca slightly leaned back against her hand, Chloe would never know because she pulled it away on her way out. 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have our classic brunette Beca back.
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Mamma Mia, here we go again."
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

“You ready to go?” Chloe peeked her head inside the room. Beca closed her notebook abruptly at Chloe's voice, not wanting to seem suspicious and failing horribly.

“Yeah, yeah… let's go.” she rose from her bed and walked past Chloe at the door, briefly smiling before grabbing her suitcase. “I can't believe she's getting married on Saturday.” She said breathlessly, putting on a black ball cap.

“I know, I feel so old thinking about it.” Chloe shuddered. Beca pushed her sunglasses up her nose and picked up her computer bag and slid her notebook into the front pouch. “You're taking your computer?” Beca looked at her, glad that the sunglasses could hide the hesitation in her eyes.

“Yeah, I've been messing around with, um, stuff.” She rolled her lips together and was relieved that Chloe only smiled and nodded, leaving it at that.

“I'm listening to it when you're done.” She patted her shoulder as she glided past her. The jingle of Gus’ leash was enough to get him up and moving toward her.

“Someone's demanding.” She mumbled.

“But you wouldn't have me any other way.” Chloe grinned a Cheshire cat grin, causing Beca's eyes to almost get stuck at the back if her head from rolling them so hard.

“You're insufferable.”

“Thanks.” She winked and Beca felt the need to just get out of her line of sight and get to the car because there was something in her chest telling her to run.

 

* * *

 

The smell of the beach was intoxicating. Beca pulled over, much to Chloe's surprise, and walked down the steep hill, and looked out over the water. She watched the waves lap over the sand, making small and lopsided rings each time the water pulled back into the sea. The scent of salt water heavily coated the inside of her nose and the cries of seagulls coming from somewhere further down the beach echoed in her ears. She closed her eyes and let her skin drink up the sunlight.

 

……

**Beca adjusted her bikini top and walked out of the shade, looking through the dark tint of her sunglasses. She could feel a small breeze against her legs and higher up where her shorts ride up.**

**She laid her towel out across a small patch of sand and sat down, leaning back on her hands. She heard a low whistle behind her. Beca craned her neck to look and she saw Marco walking toward her, his feet white with sand, and his sunglasses sitting low on the bridge of his nose.**

**“I could get used to this.” he said with a low tone that leads to the best kind of trouble.**

**“I knew you just wanted to take me to the beach so you could see me in a bikini.” she joked. He sat behind her so she could sit between his knees. She could feel his laugh bumping against her back as his chin came to rest on the top of her head.**

**“No, I mean I can get used to this, taking trips with you.”**

**“Me too, baby.” She leaned back to kiss him and linked their fingers together in her lap.**

……

 

“Not to rush you, but if we want to make it before everyone to set up we should get going.” Chloe said softly from behind her, putting a comforting hand at the small of her back. She turned slightly, feeling Chloe's leg lightly pressed against hers. She sighed and gave her a half hearted smile.

“Come on.” She murmured, grabbing her forearm and turning to go back up the hill. Chloe's arm slipped out of her grasp until it was just her hand, and Beca couldn't help but notice the warmth radiating against her palm. It felt the same way the sunshine felt against her skin moments ago.

 

****

 

Chloe fluffed the hot pink tissue papers in all the goody bags on the coffee table, making sure they all looked presentable. There were going to be thirteen women staying there at the beach house. That was three bridesmaids, eight Bellas, plus Beca and Chloe. It was going to be loud and fun and every bit exhausting on Beca's end, making sure everything goes well.

It was one of the reasons Chloe felt guilty that she couldn't stay the entire week, she didn't want to take her P.T.O. so early in her job, so she was only staying Friday until Monday morning so she could make it work later in the evening. She supposed Beca would be fine if Aubrey were there to support her. Even though the Bella days seemed very far behind them, the Bellas still respected Aubrey's authoritative presence.

Still, she couldn't really wrap her head around the idea of being away from Beca until Emily's wedding day, but even then she wouldn't see her until the ceremony and later during the reception. They'd been apart for longer when she'd went to visit her mother for almost a month, but the only difference in Beca was in Seattle then, but she's so much closer now. She'd only be forty-five minutes away, and if Chloe stayed she would have to wake up extra early or leave in the evening and come back at an hour deemed as _way_ past her bedtime. Either way, she would miss whatever Beca had planned for the week.

It just seemed more logical to stay for four days and work for the rest of the three days and stay home. So Chloe reluctantly packed clothes for only three days and her scrubs and lab coat just in case she ran late. She assessed the bags one more time and nodded, pleased with herself, and made her way to the kitchen.

When she walked in, she saw Beca's back facing her and her hands gripping the counter for dear life in front of an array of empty champagne flutes. She didn't want to scare the stressed girl, so she stepped back a little and knocked on the door frame. “Bec?” She turned around quickly and her tired eyes met Chloe's. “I arranged all the goody bags.” Beca nodded and rolled her shoulders.

“Thanks.” Beca breathed. She closed her eyes and leaned against the fridge. “And, um, thanks for helping or whatever.” she smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, no problem.” She stood opposite of Beca, on the other side of the kitchen. She watched her roll her head, and roughly rub at the back of her neck. “You okay?”

“Yeah…” she hissed, obviously not having found any release of tension. “I'm just stressed.” she leaned back against the fridge and closed her eyes. “And tired.” She yawned, stretching her mouth wide like a roaring lion. Chloe bit her lip and hoped that what she said next wasn't pushing any boundaries she wasn't allowed to cross yet, only having just earned her clearance to hug her not too long ago.

“Do you need a massage?”

“Yeah, please, if you don't mind.” Chloe beckoned her a wave of her hand and stood behind her in front of the dishwasher.

Chloe placed her hands at the dips in shoulders and pressed into the nape of her neck with her thumbs and squeezed her hands rhythmically. She heard Beca inhale deeply, and if Chloe had been facing her she was certain that she'd see her nostrils flare.

She kept pressing and moving her thumbs in circular motions, and she re-positioned her thumbs on her deltoids and repeated the same process, and received a long appreciative hum in response. The sound resonated in her ears, like a challenge to find other ways to get more sounds from her.

She laid her fingers flat on the sides of her back, and lightly pressed into her lats, signalling her to adjust her position. She slightly bent and Chloe started to go to work again, pulling a small whimper from the back of Beca's throat. She knew it was probably not normal to want to make her friend create sounds like this, but she couldn't resist the primal instinct to do it anyway.

She held her hips tenderly and pressed into her lower back deeply, as if trying to reach through her and touch her lumbar vertebrae. When Chloe did this, the most animalistic and sinful of noises erupted from Beca. The noise was so unexpected, and just simply _dirty_ , it would make _Stacie_ blush.

It was over as soon as it happened when the doorbell rang, and both women jumped apart immediately. She looked at Beca's face, her shoulders heaved up and down, and her face was red and absolutely mortified. She wordlessly turned fast on her heels and out of the kitchen, leaving Chloe frazzled and extremely guilty.

It made no sense that she was extremely flustered with the situation, it had just been a massage. Her mind catapulted her back to the far _too_ intimate and  _extremely_ inappropriate moment they'd just shared. It opened a door to thoughts that wouldn't be considered friendly, and that would make a sinner seem like a saint. She shook her head and rubbed her temples, trying to alleviate some of the anxiety raging in her head.

Then, a large group of girls stormed through the kitchen, forcing Chloe to smile fakely. She spotted Beca's brown hair across the kitchen and her stormy eyes flickered away from her in a way that screamed guilty. Chloe mentally kicked herself for screwing up months of work by objectifying her friend.

She heard the noise again, loud in the forefront of her mind and felt her chest heat up, as if someone were shovelling coal down her throat.

Her heart beat intensely in her ears, and she was afraid of the possibility of what might've happened if the doorbell never rang at all.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting intense for a certain redhead *cough* Chloe Beale *cough, cough*
> 
> Just in case anyone is worried about going zero to a hundred real quick, it's more like going zero to, like, _fifty_ maybe??? It won't be rushed or anything, but things are gonna start _REALLY_ changing around here, so just FYI I have a few things planned for the following chapters.
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, nothing special, just Bella mischief.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

The day went by quickly, it had mostly been spent lounging and catching up, and just being girls, but all Beca could feel was frustrated and guilty. She didn't expect to respond that way to a friendly massage. She was embarrassed, having done that, and objectifying her friend, and using her, not telling her to stop before things had gotten out of hand.

She thanked the universe that the girls had rang the doorbell, or else something far more inappropriate would've happened. She could've lost a friend she'd just gotten back in her life. She couldn't imagine that she was even ready for _that_ at all, she couldn't with Marco still on her mind, it was wrong and made her feel like she'd already done it.

She felt ashamed for the most part, knowing that Chloe most likely felt disgusted. She tried to use the silent holes in conversations to prepare herself for the moment Chloe left again. She anticipated that she would probably go home earlier and take her things from Beca's apartment, and she would stop talking to her and helping her and she wouldn't want anything to do with Beca.

Chloe had floated between everyone, except Beca, and she mainly stayed at Aubrey's side. _Aubrey,_ she thought. If Chloe told Aubrey, there's no doubt in her mind that she would lose her too, or worse, all of the Bellas. She hated the thought of being labeled as a perv or creep, and exiled and cast out of the group. It was all downhill from there.

These thoughts invaded her mind, and kept popping up at the most inopportune times. She thought it couldn't get worse until:

“Beca, are you cool with bunking with Chloe in the master bedroom?” She looked at Emily's face, she felt as if Emily heard all that was happening in her mind.

“I'm cool with taking the couch, why don't you take the room?” Beca mentally high fived herself for not sounding suspicious and keeping her composure. Emily shook her head vehemently and laughed.

“No, Beca, you planned all of this and it's honestly perfect,” she sighed happily. Beca allowed herself to relax and smile at that. She was doing a good job. “If anyone should get the master, it's you.” She concluded. Her face dropped suddenly and she started another Emily Junk ramble. “And, you too, Chloe! 'Cause, like, there's not enough space for all of us, and I _totally_ don't mean that I don't think you don't deserve the master-”

“Emily!” Everyone exclaimed in unison.

“Em, it's fine, me and Chloe could take the master if you really want us to.” Beca said laughing softly at the way Emily still rambled like that. She glanced at Chloe briefly, pressing her lips into a tight lipped smile.

Soon after, all of the girls retreated to their respective sleeping areas, all of the Bellas opted to stay in the living room, and Emily and the other bridesmaids slept in the other bedroom, and Beca and Chloe headed to the master bedroom.

It was gorgeous, the bedding was white and plush, with matching pillows, and gray linen curtains on the door to the balcony. There was a moderately sized periwinkle suede couch across from the bed, in front of the TV, with ash gray accent pillows. There were little accent pieces throughout the room and master bathroom, that completely tied the room together. Chloe gasped and marveled at the stunning room.

“Becs, look! A seahorse soap dispenser!” Beca had thought their first conversation since the kitchen incident would be lots of berating and accusations and questions, but instead it was about a seahorse soap dispenser. Maybe all of that fear had been in her head.

“Dude, this room is so cool.” she allowed herself to say. She set her things down beside the couch, and starting pulling pillows from the bed and finding a spare blanket in the closet.

“Beca, what are you doing?” she looked up at Chloe, who had no makeup on and her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth with a hint of toothpaste sitting at the corners of her mouth.

“Setting up?” Beca replied, confused.

“I don't want to kick you out of the bed, I'll sleep on the couch.” Beca laughed and shook her head.

“You sleep on my couch every day, you should sleep on a bed.” Chloe visibly planted herself and crossed her arms.

“Nope, you better get in this bed and let me sleep on the couch.” Beca groaned and sighed, throwing her head back in frustration. She didn't want to offer, not after what happened in the kitchen, but damn it she was tired.

“Do you wanna compromise?” Chloe softened her stance and angled her chin up.

“What do you have in mind?” Beca looked down and played with the hem of her shirt. She cleared her throat and mumbled. Chloe laughed in response and crossed the room. “Becs, I can't hear you.” She breathed out noisily and rolled her eyes at herself.

“Well, I mean, we, like-” she sighed again and threw her arms down at her side. “We've shared a bed before, you know? So, like, why don't we both just… you know?” There was a look on Chloe's face for a moment that Beca could only recognize as surprise, but it was quickly replaced with a smug grin. Beca knew that Chloe knew she didn't want to 'make it a thing’. The woman could see through her like a freshly cleaned window, and at times Beca hated it.

“Okay,” Chloe's grin shrunk into a sheepish and uncharacteristic smile. “But, like, only if you're sure?” Beca looked down again and nodded, not wanting to look at her face, afraid of what she'd find. “Yeah?”

“Yeah...” Beca took the pillow from the couch and brought it back to the bed, and set her phone to charge on the bedside table.

Their preparations for bed were carried out in silence, and they both hesitantly crawled under the comforter. Beca made sure to stay to her side of the bed, away from Chloe, not wanting to brush up against her or lie too close and upset her. She turned her back to Chloe, and she didn't get to see the way Chloe worried her lip between her teeth as she stared at her. She tried to trick her brain into sleep, but it was an empty effort and she could only think of the woman lying next to her.

“Goodnight, Bec.”

“Night, Chlo.”

 

……

**“I think it's time to let him go.” the words made Beca's eyes flood with tears, she felt like she was giving up on him, failing as his wife. The doctor nodded with great sorrow cast over his face.**

**“I'll bring back the form and… we can start the process.”**

……

 

Beca gasped loudly, jerking like if she'd almost fallen. She heard Gus rise from his place at the foot of the bed and waddle over to her side. She closed her eyes and laid her head back down on the pillow.

Chloe was no longer on her side of the bed. Her arm was strewn across Beca's middle and her leg was wrapped around hers. In fact, she was so close that they were now sharing a pillow. Beca looked at her, her face was so close, she could feel her breath on her nose, her cheek was squished against the pillow and there was a small line of drool coming down from the corner of her mouth.

Beca moved away carefully, untangling their legs, she put one hand on the carpet and her foot came down too, and she gently pulled her other two limbs from underneath Chloe, feeling the pins and needles all the way up her arm. Once she was out, she stood up straight and stared back down at the bed, silently grabbing her phone from the bedside table. She looked over Chloe's shoulder at the digital clock, it was three in the morning. No sane person is awake at three in the morning, but Beca is not a sane person. At least not anymore.

She quietly padded to her bags, still sitting next to the couch, and snagged her computer bag as quietly as she could and slipped out the door.

She glided down the hall, making sure not to disturb the sleeping women in the living room, and into the last room in the beach house. It was empty, except for a huge, glossy, black, Steinway piano, and nothing but floor to ceiling windows. The moonlight shone on the flat top, imitating a saucer of milk. She unzipped her bag and pulled out her notebook and let her emotions go to work.

She checked the time and it was six in the morning. She set her pencil down and gazed down at the page, filled with so many emotions she refused to feel.

 **“What are you writing?”** She squeezed her eyes shut and let her shoulders sag forward. She knew that her waterline would give way and the tears would fall, but she also understood that she couldn't just suppress everything. Eventually when the tears stopped, she heard the door behind her open. Arms came from behind her shoulders, and Beca spied the little ladybug on her wrist. Chloe pressed against Beca, and the feeling of her hands flashed behind her closed eyes. Her body hummed, welcoming the tugging in her gut, and she did her best to shut the feeling out, not having time for it so early in the morning.

“What are you up to?" Chloe whispered, setting her chin at the top of her head, triggering Beca's touch memory. Beca brought her forefinger up and brushed the small ladybug, making Chloe's skin jump in surprise.

“Writing.” Chlor only hummed, but Beca is certain that she wasn't exactly satisfied with her answer. “Um… can you promise not to freak out?”

“Of course.” Chloe said in a more serious tone, and moved to sit beside Beca on the bench. “What's up?”

“Um… well, I've been writing, and Theo wants me to make an album out of it.” Beca nervously tapped her finger on the curve of her knee. “I just wanted to have a demo or something ready just in case but… I haven't _decided_ if I want to do it, but I think it'd be okay, right? If I did?” She looked at Chloe, who stayed completely calm like she said she would, and hoped to see an answer in her eyes.

“Bec, that's really amazing, but I think that's up to you.” Chloe laid her hand over hers, and the sunshine was back. “And if you're ready to do that, I will gladly support you every step of the way.” Beca nodded and she smiled at Chloe, gratefully.

“Thanks, Chlo.”

 

* * *

 

The kitchen was bustling with noise and endless chatter, fueling the migraine Beca was trying to avoid during the trip. The plan for the day was a volleyball game, a picnic on the beach, and dinner at a small seafood restaurant not far from the beach house. Picnic meant food, food meant picky girls, so everyone just put food they were going to eat on the counter while Cynthia Rose, Flo, and Jessica and Ashley set up the net outside.

“Alright!” Beca screamed. “Everyone get the hell out of the kitchen so I can do what I need to do! And stay out of my face unless it's an emergency!” everyone looked at her with fear in their eyes and the area completely flushed in a matter of seconds. The silence nurtured her pains and she started packing things into the basket.

Beca took her sweet time, muttering judgements about all of their eating habits. One bridesmaid, Nadine, literally just slapped a packet of swedish gummy fish next to the basket and said: “Mine”. Not that Beca could exactly say anything since all she packed was an energy drink since they were literally just down the back steps.

She heard something crinkle behind her, and she guessed that it was Amy stealing the chips. “Amy, this better be an emergency.” She gritted through her teeth. Then, before she could turn around, thin arms came out from her sides and their hands moved up to rest in her shoulders, and a chin perched on her left shoulder.

“Don’t stress.” It was Lilly. “Just listen to the despairing ghosts of the sea.” It's always Lilly. Somehow her 'creepy thing’ is less creepy and more comforting than it should've been. Maybe it's just because she missed her. Probably.

“I'll keep that in mind, Lil.”

 

****

 

Chloe watched Beca go all throughout the morning. She reminded her a lot of her mother, making enough food to feed the masses and ordering every breathing person in sight, like it was her birthright, like she'd always been destined to do it.

She had the stern voice and the gentle touch when needed, like when she'd woken up Emily. She laid a hand on her shoulder and shook so gently, and whispered: “Emily, it's time to get up. Got a big day ahead of you, kiddo.”. All of it screamed 'mom’.

The thought made Chloe sad at times, knowing what she knew about Beca's baby. She tried not to think about it, but she couldn't deny that it drifted through her subconscious more than once.

She thought it was absolutely hilarious that Beca called for all the girls to form a line outside of the patio, with three cans of spray on sunscreen, and a water bottle for each of them. “Becs, aren't you coming outside with us?” Chloe asked as she got sprayed down her arms and legs.

“I'll be out soon, I have to change.” She replied, exhaustedly. Chloe looked outside as Beca sprayed her back and watched Aubrey giving directions for the net and how the food should be set up. It made her smile that nothing has really changed with any of the girls. “All done.”

“Thanks.” Chloe turned around and claimed her water bottle, and watched Beca disappear up the stairs. She was absolutely relieved that nothing had come up about the massage, but at the same time she couldn't get the sounds out of her mind. She wanted to hear them again, and find _more._ She shook her head and walked toward the shore, watching everyone move around her, lost in the sounds of the waves crashing.

She didn't expect Beca to tell her about the possible album she's been working on, but she was glad she did because maybe all of this closeness, and comforting her, and the honesty, and letting Chloe back in her life is her finally showing sure signs of healing. Signs that she's coming back together.

Out of nowhere, all the girls started whooping and Amy let out a loud wolf whistle, Chloe turned around to see what all the ruckus was about and choked on her water. Beca was walking down the patio with her brown hair in braids and a white bikini with a sheer wrap around her waist. Chloe couldn't tell if she was having a heatstroke or if she already died from said heatstroke, it was so hot, she felt like melting into a Chloe puddle in the sand.

She raked her eyes up Beca's figure, trailing up from her ankle, to her thighs, and hips, following each curve, pausing briefly at her ample chest, up her neck and to her big and brown sunglasses. “Are you done drooling?” Aubrey startled her and she jumped, looking between her and Beca.

“What? I-I wasn't-”

“Jeez, Chloe, calm down, I was just kidding.” She nudged her with her shoulder. Chloe breathed out, relieved, and laughed, trying to mask the embarrassment.

“Right, right.”

The sun beat down on them all day, browning them to a crisp as the played volleyball. Emily, Chloe, Aubrey, Flo, Jessica and Ashley were on one team. Emily's bridesmaids, Nadine, Nina, and Gabie, were on a team with Cynthia Rose, Stacie, and Lilly. Emily's team won, Stacie accused them of cheating just to get on Aubrey's nerves, and Beca sat out as per usual with no desire to join in the game.

She laid down on a towel on her stomach with her earbuds in and her notebook in front of her the whole time. She fell asleep at some point, but when Emily served the ball, the rubber smacked her right at the small of her back. She hadn't been too happy about that. At that point she was barely hanging onto her patience, but then Amy initiated a dog pile on Beca and she lost it. 

Eventually after Beca calmed down, all of them sat down for lunch after that, and got too full to play another game, leaving Emily's team with a two out of three victory. “Alright, ladies, you have two hours to get ready for dinner.” Beca announced front the patio. All of the girls collectively retired to their rooms to start the process of getting the sand out of uncomfortable places, and Beca stayed behind on the patio for a moment. Chloe stopped and sat in a chair beside her.

“Are you just gonna sit here and look pretty, or are you gonna come get ready?” Beca looked at her, and smiled, then looking back out at the water.

“I'm just listening to ocean like Lilly told me to, only in less macabre words.” Chloe laughed and shook her head.

“She's still a handful, isn't she?”

“Yeah, but she's my favorite handful.”

“Hey!” Amy shouted from somewhere in the house. Beca turned around in her chair and tore her sunglasses from her face.

“ _You_ are not allowed to talk to me yet!”

 

* * *

 

“Chloe, we're gonna be late!” Chloe hurried to put her earring in and she fluffed her hair before power walking into the bedroom.

“Don't get you panties-” she lost the words somewhere in her throat when she caught sight of Beca. She hand one foot on the couch, in a long blue dress with light pink flowers and plunging neckline, bent over, adjusting the strap and small buckle. “In a twist.” Chloe finished slowly. Her hair was straightened, and her makeup was light, it was a simple look, but it had Chloe sure that she sucked all the air out of the room.

“Wow, you look… really good.” She looked up at her, with an open mouthed smile and looked her up and down.

“Thanks, you too.” she put her foot down on the floor, allowing Chloe to see the slit up the front. “Ready?”  

“Yeah, um, let's go.”

The drive to the restaurant was filled with nothing but singing, much to the other three bridesmaids amazement. They went through countless songs, and artists, at some point it kept flipping between Beyonce and Kesha.

It was extremely nostalgic and cathartic to be around family again. Like if they never left to begin with.

“Beca, you have to sing this song, it's yours!” Chloe squeezed Beca's knee, briefly reminding herself of their moment in the kitchen, and leaned in.

“I'm not singing it! You know how many times I've sung it?” She groaned, but none of them left her alone about it until she started singing.

 

_Right now, I'm in a state of mind_

_I wanna be in like all the time_

_Ain't got no tears left to cry_

_So I'm pickin' it up, pickin' it up_  
_I'm lovin', I'm livin', I'm pickin' it up_

_I'm pickin' it up, pickin' it up  
I'm lovin', I'm livin', I'm pickin' it up _

 

Lilly laid down a beat and then all of the sudden Beca was giving a private concert. Chloe watched her, seeing the way her eyes held something more in them, they were no longer vacant.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used: No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As short one, but I'll have another one soon.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

“I can't believe you have to go.” Beca pouted. “You're gonna leave me with these psychopaths.” Chloe zipped up her suitcase and sighed. Chloe's three days were up and it was time for her to leave.

“I know, I don't want to leave either, but the animals are calling and,” she hoisted it off the bed. “Duty calls.” Beca got up off the couch and leaned against the wall across from Chloe. “Plus, you have Stacie and Bree.” She squeezed her shoulder, scorching the skin there.

“Maybe even Emily, if she can sit still long enough.” Chloe smiled and walked past Beca. She stopped by the door and looked at her. “Walk me out?” Beca nodded and followed her down the stairs. She was sad that Chloe had to leave, but she knew that the redhead had a job.

The house was empty, all of the girls were outside on the beach, Chloe had already said bye to them. She knew that she was walking slower than usual on purpose, to prolong the last few minutes she would have with her for the rest of the week, but she could see Chloe doing the same. Or maybe she was crazy. Or maybe Chloe didn't want to leave her either.

Unfortunately, Chloe had to open the door in order to leave, and the two stepped outside and stood on the stoop. “Well, this is me.” Beca sighed again, feeling the loss building in her chest, it was ridiculous to feel so upset about it, Beca scolded herself and met the painfully beautiful cerulean eyes in front of her.

“I'm gonna miss you.” She mumbled and looked down at her feet. The admission felt like a gulp of air after being under water. It felt like taking a backpack off after a long hike. It felt _good._ She focused on the blue nail polish on her toes, Chloe convinced her to let her do them.

“Hey,” Chloe said gently. “Bec, look at me.” When she did, she saw the sadness present in Chloe's eyes, with a matching smile pressed on her lips. “I'm gonna miss you too.” Beca smiled in return, and memories of her last conversation with Marco floated through her head.

 

……

**“Bye, baby, I'll be back by dinner! Love you!”**

**“Okay, don't forget to pick up some milk while you're out!”**

……

 

She felt tears prick her eyes and she shook her head. _Not again._ She surged forward and wrapped her arms around Chloe's neck, practically constricting the poor woman. She felt Chloe's surprise drop and her arms were quick to wrap around her waist. She held her hips firmly and placed her chin over her shoulder. “Send me pictures?” Beca nodded, not trusting her voice and pulled away slightly. She stared at Chloe's profile and pressed a soft kiss on her cheek.

“Text me?” She didn't know what she'd just done, and by the look on Chloe's face she was just as shocked.

“Of course.” Chloe responded, seemingly unfazed by the kiss. “Bye, Becs.”

“Bye, Chlo.” She rolled her lips and watched her walk down the path. A tear streamed down her face as she watched her go. Beca smiled and waved as Chloe drove away, feeling a chip of guilt fall off her shoulder.

 

* * *

 

Beca sat on a towel, completing the circle around the bonfire on the beach. She swirled her fingers through the sand, drawing smiley faces and stars, just meaningless nonsense. Chloe had gone home the day before and there was a palpable hole in the group that no one really acknowledged due to all the activities since then. “B, you okay?” Stacie whispered with tequila heavy on her breath. Beca looked at her and pasted a smile on her face.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” she replied easily. Stacie leaned against her, resting her head against her shoulder.

 **“No you're not.”** She inhaled deeply and watched Marco stare at the fire through her side eye.

“I miss her too.” Stacie sighed. Beca looked down at her and smiled. She supposed it was good that some people might be able to see through her. Beca smiled to herself and took her phone out, putting it on selfie mode.

“Smile, Stace.” She snapped the picture and then soon after, the rest of the girls caught on.

“Oh, that's a good idea!” Aubrey came up at Stacie's side, Emily at Beca's, and everyone else followed behind, filling in spaces between heads.

“Alright,” Beca adjusted her phone, sideways, and peered back at them. “On three-”

“On three or after three?” Stacie asked, causing all the Bellas to chuckle.

"Not this again." Cynthia Rose laughed.

“ _After_ three.” Beca breathed in. “One, two, three.” she snapped a picture and all of them crawled back to their spots after.

 **“That's a good one.”** She closed her eyes and squared her shoulders. She went to hers and Chloe's thread and sent the group picture.

 

_Beca (to Chloe) 8:29 PM: (No Subject) we miss you_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I'd have another chapter soon.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Beca did it. She surprised herself when she did, after a long three hours of pacing through the bedroom, and staring at the TV without absorbing the content, she set up at the piano and did it.

 

_To: Rebeca Hill_

_From: Theodore Hadley_

_Subject: Demos_

 

_Dear, Beca,_

_The tracks you sent me are solid demos! The arrangements are amazing, I would love it if you recorded your vocals in the studio. I have no appointments from the seventh to the tenth, if you're interested._

_Think about it._

 

She sent in the songs she recorded, but she was having a harder time believing that it would be okay to release this album. She closed the her laptop and sat at the bench. Usually Beca wouldn't play if she knew the girls were asleep, she would usually just lie awake and remember things, but tonight, tonight she needed to play.

She pushed the lid back behind the keys and let her hands rest on them. She drew in a breath and let her fingers dance along the ivories, feeling the small bit of resistance as she pressed down. The piano had always been her favorite. It had been Marco's favorite too, he loved to watch her play on the keyboard she kept in her at home studio. He would always take pictures of her there, and record her when he knew she wasn't looking. He'd say that when she played, she disappeared, and dissociated from everything except the music.

She never liked being told that she had a gift, but Marco never stopped praising her for her abilities even though there are millions of people who could do the same thing she does, probably even better. That was just the way he was.

 **“That sounds amazing, babe.”** She opened her eyes and saw him leaning against the piano.

“Thank you.” She whispered. The door creaked and she turned around to see who it was. It was Aubrey. She turned back around, her hands never stopped playing.

“Beca?” she peered at her through her peripheral, and looked straight ahead to the view outside the window. “Why are you awake?” She said through a thick yawn. Beca turned around and watched her walk to the side of the piano and tiredly rub her eyes.

“That's not a valid question.” she brought the song to it's last few notes and looked at Aubrey as she sat down beside her. She thought back to Chloe, how she'd come in the first night there and sat exactly where Aubrey was sitting now.

“Can't sleep?” Beca shook her head and looked at her.

“No.” She would be lying if she said she hadn't been a little disappointed that it _wasn't_ Chloe, but Aubrey. She didn't stop her mind when it ventured off to the feeling of Chloe's hands on her. It was electrifying, and sensual, and it was just pure overwhelming intimacy that probably shouldn't be shared with a friend, but Beca couldn't help thinking about it.

She couldn't stop thinking about the way she kissed her on the cheek either. If the past five years hadn't happened, it wouldn't be as shocking because Chloe has always been a very affectionate person, but the fact that Beca initiated it was mind boggling. Beca hadn't expected to do that, much less tell her that she was going to miss her. It wasn't anything special, but she knew what happened when things you want to say go unsaid. Accidents happen, and funerals are planned, and you choke on the words and guilt. She wouldn't go through that again.

“What are you thinking about?” She shook her head and diverted the conversation away from her thoughts.

"Look at this." She opened her laptop and showed her the email.

“You're making music again?” Aubrey gasped, astonished like she thought the day would never come. She hadn't been the only one, Beca didn't think it would either.

“Well, I'm not sure I'm gonna do it, Aubs.” Aubrey took her hands, and Beca tried not to compare it to way it felt when Chloe did it.

“That's besides the point, you're making _music_ again, Beca. That in and of itself is a _good thing._ ” Aubrey couldn't help but stress the last few words, like she knew Beca needed to her them. And she did. “And I personally think you should because-” a silence fell over them for a moment, and Beca just stared at her, silently asking her to continue because she just knows she needs that last push.

“It's what Marco would want.” Beca let a tear slip out and she smiled. It's been a while, but her first happy tear was shed. Aubrey pulled her into a hug and she wiped her wet eyes.

"Thanks, Aubs."

“Always.” Aubrey squeezed her hand and smiled at her. The surface was getting closer.

 

* * *

 

“Okay, ladies! Plan is to get to the club as one group and make it back as one group!” Aubrey walked back and forth in front of the line of women, as Beca leaned up against Aubrey's rental car. “That means no leaving with anybody!”

“Amy.” All of the Bellas said together.

“No bringing anybody home!”

“Amy.”

“Alright, alright!” Amy whined.

“You can have sex in the stall, behind the club, or in their car, but I advise against that as we will be leaving the club at midnight!” Aubrey barked. “Behave yourselves! You will not be bailed out for any reason!”

“Noted.” Amy nodded. Beca laughed softly and tugged at the sleeves of her leather jacket.

“All of your cellphones will be given to Beca for safekeeping and to keep you all from embarrassing yourselves!” Beca unfolded the pillow case and walked down the line, making all of the girls drop their phones inside.

“Um, what if there's an emergency?” Nadine asked. Aubrey's sharp green eyes pierced right through her and she arched a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

“There shouldn't be any.” The girl's eyes went wide and Aubrey clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. “If there are any emergencies, there are security guards literally everywhere in the club. Find one.” The girl nodded in relief and Aubrey held her hands behind her back again, standing tall.

“Have an exit buddy! If you lose your exit buddy, it is your job to find them!” Aubrey stopped in the center of the line and stared at all of them. “We will meet at the bar when it is eleven fifty!”

“Are you done briefing them?” Beca asked from behind her. Aubrey turned to her and glared.

“Who among all of you is the youngest?” Nina, one of the bridesmaids, fearfully raised her hand. Aubrey smiled in almost a predatory manner. “You and I will be the designated drivers.” The girl pouted slightly and nodded.

“Any questions?” No one raised their hand, afraid of what her answer might be. “Good! Get in, we'll get there in twenty.” Her voice was back to a polite and friendly tone.

 **“You weren't kidding when you said Sergeant Aubrey.”** She felt his hand at the small of her back, and quickly stepped away from it to follow Aubrey to the car.

“Think you scared them enough?” Beca asked as she waited for the rest of the girls to get in before her and Aubrey. She looked back, just to make sure he was gone and then looked back at Aubrey.

“They'll be fine.” Aubrey waved it off, but Beca looked at Nina's expression as she got into the driver's side of one car. Poor girl.

 

* * *

 

When they arrived at the club, all of the girls poured out of the van and Amy walked right up to the bouncer. “Oi, Everest, we're expected in the VIP.”

“Name?” The dark man asked, crossing his arms and staring straight at her.

“Fat Amy, but you can call me later.” She gave a salacious wink and tucked a hundred dollar bill in between his belt and pants.

“Amy!” Aubrey hissed. The bouncer just rolled his eyes and unhooked the red velvet rope blocking the entrance. All of the girls grabbed for their exit buddies hands and walked into the club, single file.

The music was loud and the baseline matched her heartbeat. It should've made her claustrophobic, dancing in a swarm of so many people, grinding against strangers, and Cynthia Rose, and Stacie. She even grinded with Emily, reminding her that she's a woman now. It was all fun and games, shots kept getting sent her way by someone at the end of the bar, and Beca kept taking them because she didn't want to be rude.

Some of it said 'good ol’ days’, and some of it said 'a dark place’, but Beca couldn't keep the memories at bay when she saw a mane of red hair walk by. She pushed through the crowd and managed to get into the bathroom. She leaned against a stall wall near the sink and she opened her phone, trying to make it work with her clumsy fingers. She waited through four rings until she got sent to voicemail.

“Hey, Chloe!” She pulled her phone away from her ear to make sure that was who she was calling. “I'm at the club, in a bathroom actually. I don't think they clean in here a lot.” She slurred, wiping her hand on her dress. “You're probably at work right now, savin’ puppies and spaying cats or whatever.” She sniffed and leaned her head all the way back on the stall.

“It's so cool that you're a… the fuck is it called… veteran? No, fuck, I mean, veterinarian! You’re living the dream!” She shouted, making sure to enunciate. She sighed and watched herself, alone, in the mirror.

“I need you to come back, and dance with me because I'm always so lonely...” She said with a small voice. “There’s so many people… but…” she stepped and almost slipped on a wet patch on the ground. “Woah! Woah, don't worry, everything is fine, I just almost died, but it's cool.” She paused and rubbed her neck, feeling the stress building in it.

“I really need you to tell me I'm okay because I don't know what I'm gonna do…” she stopped and watched the way her eyes filled with tears. She wasn't sure if the message even recorded because the phone just beeped and she brought it back down to her side.

 

* * *

 

She mindlessly walked through the crowd, thinking of possible alternate endings her life could've had if she changed some of her life decisions. She snapped out of it when a cocktail waitress tapped her on the shoulder. “This is from the gentleman at the bar,” she nodded toward a tall brunette man wearing an expensive suit. “I think you have quite the admirer.” Her long fingers plucked the shot off the tray and handed it to Beca.

“Tell him I said thanks,” She downed the shot and handed it back. “But no thanks.” She winked and the girl laughed.

 **“Don't you think you're going a little too hard?”** Marco said in her ear. She shook her head and continued dancing like he wasn't there, tasting the tequila on the very tip of her tongue.

“Don't tell me what to do-” she felt her dinner coming up for a second appearance and ran out to the side door exit of the club and vomited onto the sidewalk.

**“Told you so.”**

“Fuck.” She grunted, with one hand supporting her and then there was someone pulling her hair back over her shoulders.

“Hey, pretty lady, you okay?” Emily.

“I'm fine, thanks.” she stood up straight, only to feel the vomit building up again. She bent over and finished the job with Emily rubbing soothing circles on her back. “What are you doing out here?” She slowly stood up again and stepped around the vomit to lean on the other wall.

“I was getting some air, but I saw you.” Emily crossed and leaned against the wall with her. “You're my exit buddy, I had to make sure you were okay first.” she bumped her shoulder and made Beca smile. She leaned her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes.

“I'm sorry you had to see that.” She started. She looked up at Emily and looked back down. “I should be holding _your_ hair back, not the other way around.”

“No worries, you wouldn't have to anyway,” Emily sighed. “I haven't drank all night.”

“What?” Beca asked, confused. “Why not? This is your little party, all of this is for you! You're getting married!” The word slid out of her mouth with spikes scratching up her throat.

“I know, I know, and thanks for this, I appreciate it, but…” she started twiddling her thumbs and then Beca knew that there was more that Emily wasn't saying.

“Em?” She watched the bride-to-be inhale deeply and look at Beca with nervous eyes.

“I, um, I can't drink.” Emily said with a level voice that didn't match her expression. Beca raised her eyebrows instead of asking and Emily bit her lip and closed her eyes. She breathed out cooly and made eye contact with Beca again.

“I'm pregnant.” before Beca could answer, much less register what she just said, the side door of the club swung open and Nadine interrupted the fragile moment.

“Ladies, eleven fifty! Let's go!”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry (not sorry) about that last part.
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dum, dum, de dum.
> 
> Enjoy this wedding.

* * *

 

All Chloe could think about was the last thing Beca said to her before the radio silence on the last two days due to wedding preparations. “I really need you to tell me I'm okay because I don't know what I'm gonna do.”

She mulled it over a lot for the past two days, thinking of nothing, but absolutely everything all at once.

Beca needed Chloe to tell her she was okay. Why? Why would she call Chloe, of all people? Why not her mom or talk to Aubrey? Chloe couldn't accept 'because she wanted you’ as the answer, and now she was driving to the church where the wedding ceremony was being held, where she was going to see Beca.

Her phone buzzed in the cup holder, an unknown number, but she ignored it in a haste to follow the GPS directions. She tried to get there faster, barely pushing past the speed limit, because she knew that today would be hard on her. She knew that despite all of Beca's best efforts to dispel any hints of dread and grief, that it was there lurking underneath the navy blue in her eyes.

Beca missed her, so she'd been told by Aubrey and Stacie and Emily, even Fat Amy at some point. Chloe knew that Beca needed her, probably more today than she has in the past two months, and it was Chloe's job to be there like she said she would, so slowed the car to a stop and scrambled to get out of the car, shoving her ringing phone into the bag she'd brought with her.

There were already a lot of guests standing outside, and paparazzis being blocked by security, Chloe had to push past the people blocking the door to get inside.

When she got past the door, she walked into members of the wedding party running in and out of the vestibule, and then the groom caught sight of her. “Hey, Chloe? Right?” He panted.

“Yeah, yeah, we met at the engagement party… um, I was just looking for the bride's quarters?” She said, following behind him.

“Of course, yeah, um, they were actually calling you, you're very much needed.”

“Oh?” She squeaked. He just nodded and lead the way. He knocked on the door and then turned to Chloe.

“Thank you.” She looked at him, confused by what he meant.

“For?”

“Taking care of her. I should've…” she could see the regret in his eyes, but he shook his head and smiled. “She's waiting for you.” He said tearfully, before walking away. She planted herself at the door and mentally prepared herself for whatever was waiting inside for her.

She closed her eyes and turned the knob, and saw Beca standing by the window in a blush pink, off the shoulder gown, with matching nude heels, and her brown tresses swept up into bun, leaving two rogue strands of hair to frame her face. She was so beautiful, standing there, it looked like she was untouched by sadness and grief, like a dream.

“Didn't your mother tell you it's rude to stare?” Beca's teasing and steady voice startled her. Chloe stepped in all the way, closing the door with her foot.

“Sorry, you just…” Chloe moved closer to where she was, but keeping a reasonable distance just in case. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Beca said softly, still staring so calmly out the window. Chloe looked at her profile, seeing the way her jaw was unclenched, and her eyes seemed tired but not sad or hopeless.

“How are you?” Chloe asked, hesitantly, trying not to upset her in case she was. The way everyone was making it seem was like if she was having an attack or went totally AWOL and ran away from the wedding, but instead she was here in one of the dressing rooms, looking out of the window at the beach.

“I'm okay.” Beca turned around and leaned against the small vanity. “I… didn't expect to be, but I am.” Chloe nodded and breathed out in relief.

“That's good-”

“It’s funny, I just asked for a minute to myself, and everyone started panicking.” She chuckled slightly, and looked at Chloe with a calmness in her eyes. “I have to be okay today because I owe that to Emily and his family.” There was a sadness in her voice, but Chloe could tell that she wanted to feel it, not fight it. “It'd be selfish not to be.” Beca frowned thoughtfully and smiled at Chloe. “But I'm glad you're here.” Chloe laid a hand over hers, crossing the space between them.

“Me too.”

 

****

 

“Are you ready?” Emily clutched her hands for dear life.

“I’m scared.” She said seriously. Her eyes were filled with tears and Beca promised herself that there wouldn't be any from her end. Mrs. Junk was actually crying enough for the both of them, she'd been crying ever since she saw Emily in her wedding gown.

She looked so grown up, her hair was down and curled, with two braids pulling her hair out of her face. The gown was tight around her waist and flowed down at the bottom, with hints of glitter in the fabric. The back had a low back with white lace filling in the space. She was the most beautiful bride she'd ever seen.

“Ladies, it's time.” The wedding coordinator peeked his head in. Beca nodded and turned back to Emily. She pulled her into a long hug and squeezed as hard as she could.

“This is going to be the happiest day of your life, Legacy,” she pulled away and took her hands in her own and looked down between them. “And after them it'll be a close second.” she said loud enough only for them to hear. Emily let a few tears fall and she nodded quickly, trying not to cry anymore.

“I’m ready.” her dad came up and took her arm, and stood at the back of the line. The poor man had tears in his eyes, so happy that his little girl was getting married. Beca had been there too.

 

……

**“Are you ready?” Her dad bumped her shoulder, standing out of sight, watching her bridesmaids walk before her.**

**“I'm scared.” She admitted. He took her hand in his own and stared at her with the most love she's ever seen in his eyes.**

**“Every adventure seems scary, Bec. This is** **_your_ ** **adventure.” She smiled and kissed him on the cheek.**

**“I love you, dad.”**

**“I love you too.” She could see the emotions threatening to break through his wise dad act. “That and I have a no return policy.”**

**“Dad!”**

……

 

Beca smiled privately to herself and stood at the front of the line, with her bouquet held at her middle.

A Thousand Years started playing as the doors opened, all of the guests turned to her, she smiled as best as she could, feeling the anxiety in her chest, she walked down the aisle, taking six decent sized strides and then Nadine followed suit. She looked right at Brady, he stood there smiling so hard, he looked so much like his brother.

Her heart began to ache, and she felt her chest getting too tight, but then she saw such a striking shade of blue looking at her from the third row. She smiled harder, finding comfort in the blue again, she'd never imagined that she could feel like this again, but she was.

She took her place on the steps, Nadine following soon after, Nina at the halfway mark, and then Gabbie coming through the large double doors. Each aisle had the babies breath from the ruined order pinned to the side of the bench with a blush pink ribbon and gold glittered lace. The arch was covered in tulle and fairy lights, and the pianist and cellist sat at the far right of the stage, playing the music. Beca kept her eyes on Chloe the entire time, as Gabbie took her place next to Nina.

“All rise.” the pastor's deep voice said. Every row stood to their feet, and then the pianist began to play Everytime We Touch, and the double doors opened one last time, and the guests all gasped as they caught glimpse of Emily. She made her way down, the photographer stood in front of Beca getting a few shots of her walking down the aisle, but Beca hadn't noticed any of that because she was still staring at Chloe, even though she wasn't staring back.

The dress she was wearing was forest green with little printed flowers on it, and her hair was up in a bun, wearing the red-est lipstick that made her lips look delicious. She was absolutely stunning.

Finally, Emily and Mr. Junk made it to the first step. “Who gives this woman to be wedd?”

“I do.” Her father's voice was thick and trembling. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered an 'I love you’, and then he stepped away to his spot next to her sobbing mother.

“Dearly beloved...”

The ceremony began and Beca looked at Imelda for the first time, and thankfully she stayed seated during this wedding. When Imelda caught her staring, she did the most unexpected thing and she smiled at her. A smile that told her: “I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I feel awful. I was wrong and I hope you'll forgive me.”. Beca smiled back at her, and gently nodded in response, telling her: “It's okay. I forgive you.”.

 

* * *

 

Beca stood in a back room at the hall, hearing all the whispers and murmurs that were _definitely_ about her this time. She guessed that getting her dark hair back made people realize who she was. She was sure to hear her name pop up on TMZ, but for the first time since the funeral she was fine with that. “Okay, guys, are you ready?” The coordinator asked. All of them gave a thumbs up and then the opening of Edge of Seventeen started playing as their intro.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the wedding party!” Everyone cheered and clapped. “First we have Gabbie and Tyler!” The two jogged out, throwing their fists in the air, and standing at the head table. “Nina and Chris!” They walked out and her turn was getting closer. “Nadine and Elias!” Beca gulped and Emily squeezed her hand from behind her.

**“You got this.”**

“And the maid of honor, and best man, Alice and Alejandro!” She smiled and Alejandro nodded as they walked in, joined at the elbows, waving at everyone and eventually standing with the rest of the wedding party at the table, spying the Bellas at the first few tables. Chloe locked eyes with her and she felt her wiggling through the barriers and latching onto her hand, and squeezing.

“Now, it is my pleasure to introduce the bride and groom, Mr. And Mrs. Brady Hill!” They walked through, and Beca didn't wince at their introduction. Brady and Emily walked in, hand in hand, waving with her bouquet and yelling: 'We did it!’.

“It is time for the happy couple's first dance.” Amazed started playing and they slow danced in the middle of the dance floor, foreheads pressed together, and her hand holding onto his neck with her other hand holding his, sandwiched between them. The house lights were dimmed with a pink light cast over them.

Beca swayed slightly to the song and watched them dance. Legacy was so grown up, with another little Bella or Treble on the way. Beca let her hand drop to her stomach, she lightly brushed it, trying not to draw attention to it. She saw Chloe's eyes follow her hand and she knew. The look in her eyes was sad, but Beca gave her a half hearted smile in return.

The DJ invited the guests to join them on the dance floor, and she immediately thought of Chloe. She must've of been thinking the same thing, because Beca saw her stepping around chairs to get to her. They always seemed to gravitate toward each other no matter what, for just a pat on the back or a hand hold, just to touch, to be together. It was always like that. “May I have this dance?” Chloe reached her hand out and Beca nearly swooned.

“I thought you'd never ask.” She took her hand and let herself be led to the dance floor. She held her hand with a firm grip. The feeling of Chloe tugging them closer together didn't scare her as much as it should have. Chloe's thumb swiped back and forth at the small of her back, and her sky blue eyes never left her midnight ones. It had been a long time since Beca had seen them, and she'd thought that she would stop drowning in them the way she always did, but the way she was staring at Beca now made a flower bloom in her chest, and she felt like she’d found sanctuary in them again.

 

* * *

 

After many drinks and songs later, Beca found herself a little more than tipsy, waiting for the elevator with Chloe. “Are you sure you don't need anything else, Em?”

“We're fine! Go home! Sleep!” Emily shooed her away and Chloe pulled her by the waist into the elevator. Just as it was about to close, Emily stuck her hand in between and smiled at her. “And thank you, Beca. I'm really glad I have you.” She smiled at Emily and shook her head, trying not to get sentimental.

“Okay, go away! Go have sex!”

“Oh my God!”

“Beca!” Chloe laughed disbelievingly, as the married couple walked away. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. “Hey, you okay?” Beca sighed and rolled her shoulders.

“Never better.” She opened her eyes and then Chloe was invading her space.

“What-”

“You have a thingy… right on your eyelash…” she brushed it away, letting her breath mingle with Beca's. Beca noticed the way her finger lingered on her cheek, and the way her eyes darkened slightly, she could feel the heat of her body against hers. It felt like an eternity staring at her, feeling something spreading across her limbs, but then the elevator dinged and the doors slid open.

Chloe gasped and stepped away, taking her hand and smiling. “Come on.” Beca let her pull her out and then she saw Marco standing up against the car at the valet.

 **“It wasn't always like this.”** She looked at him as they got into the car, and she watched him disappear into the distance.

“That was fun…” her memories began to drown out Chloe's voice.

 

……

**Beca waited for her to pick up, but the other line just kept ringing until eventually it just went to voicemail. It was fine, it didn't hurt her, Chloe was just so busy with school and everything, she'd call back. She'd been telling herself this for almost over a month. She hadn't talked to Chloe in almost over a month.**

**She did the only logical thing any person would do, and she called Aubrey because if anyone could get her head out of the clouds, it was Aubrey. But only if Chloe couldn't. She waited and Aubrey had actually picked up, not that she was comparing.**

**“Hey, Beca!”**

**“Hey, Bree!” She tried to match her enthusiasm. “How are you?”**

**“Could be better, this law office group from New Jersey is driving me nuts, so it's pretty stressful down here.”**

**“Oh, dude, that totally sucks. I'm sorry.” She said trying to be sympathetic but wanting information at the same time.**

**“Tell me about it.” Aubrey sighed and cleared her throat. “How are you? Being famous get boring?”**

**“No, no, never, just… just tired is all.” she responded quietly, picking lint off her pants. Aubrey hummed like she didn't believe her. “Well, no… actually, um, I was wondering if you’ve talked to Chloe lately?”**

**“Yeah, we talk at least once a week.” Her heart clenched.**

**“Oh.”**

**“Why do you ask?” Aubrey questioned curiously.**

**“I just haven't heard from her at all.”**

……

 

“Beca? Hey,” she looked at Chloe, still feeling the heartbreak she felt that day. “We're here, where'd you go?” She asked softly. Beca just closed her eyes and shook her head, getting out of the car and marching into the lobby without answering her question.

She almost fell for it again, that's what's been happening all these weeks, she thought she was healing, but she was just falling into another trap. She didn't want to believe it, she just wanted to run away, not responding to Chloe while they took the elevator up to her apartment. She should've know that there was no climbing up after the things she'd gone through happened.

She shoved her key in the door knob, walking in furiously, only to hear it slam behind her. “Beca!” She kept walking. “Beca, stop!” She stood in the middle of the living room and she turned around to face her, feeling her shoes dangle on her index and middle finger.

“What?”

“What just happened back there?” Chloe exclaimed. “Where did you go? It's like you left and came back somebody else!”

“I was just reminding myself-” her voice cracked, and she saw Chloe take a step forward, so she took a step back. She let the tears fall, finally after a day of holding them in. “Of how much it fucking hurt when you left.” Chloe looked immediately guilty after she'd said that. “And I can't let myself get hurt like that again.” Chloe's stunned silence continued and she turned to go to her room.

After slamming the door, she cried hard, leaning over her vanity, wiping her tears away even though new ones would fall. It wasn't until she heard someone talking outside the door.

“I need you to come back, and dance with me because I'm always so lonely...” said a small voice. “There’s so many people… but…” she began to recognize the voice, realizing it was her own. She started walking toward the door, listening to the vulnerability in her own voice, remembering when she'd called at the club.

“I really need you to tell me I'm okay because I don't know what I'm gonna do…” she opened the door and found Chloe with her phone in hand, sobbing on the other side.

“Chloe…” Beca croaked, feeling the need to touch her, but not wanting to give in.

“You're okay.” Chloe cried. “You're okay, Beca. It doesn't seem like it, but you are! You're more than okay!” She through her hands up, gesturing at her. “You're okay.” Beca closed her eyes and let her feel the squeezing around her heart again. The tears never stopped and she looked at Chloe, seeing the sincere and pleading blue begging her to believe her. Beca relented, wanting to feel the sunshine again, and nodded.

“I'm okay.” She repeated. Chloe's eyes lightened and she nodded back.

“You're okay.” She stepped forward, as did Beca.

“I'm okay.” She felt Chloe's arms come around her, and Chloe's face was less than an inch away.

“You're okay.” She whispered. The words fell off of Beca's tongue, as she looked into Chloe's eyes, watching the way they flickered down to her lips, letting her own eyes look down at her lips. They were so red and full, and just tempting. She looked back into Chloe's eyes and she felt her eyelids fall slightly.

“You're okay.” Chloe whispered one more time before letting their lips brush. Beca immediately felt the warmth from the soles of her feet to the top of her head, the sun was shining harder on her than it ever had. When Chloe didn't feel her pull away, she did it again, with Beca meeting her in the middle. Her lips tangled with Chloe's, moving to an unknown rhythm that just seemed to come to them. They tasted like the tears shared between them, making the kiss all the more intimate.

She felt the heat rising up her chest, she buried her fingers in Chloe's hair, unclipping it, feeling Chloe's hot palm against her cheek, holding her in place. She sighed into the kiss, nipping at Chloe's lip, pulling a whimper from her. When air became an issue, they came apart and she rested her forehead against Chloe's, not wanting to look just yet. Their breaths fell hard, and Beca finally looked her in the eye.

“Say it again.” She whispered against Chloe's lips, slightly brushing them.

“You're okay.” Chloe's hands drew her in for a another kiss, swiping her tongue against her bottom lip, and slipping her tongue into her mouth. She tasted like piña colada and beer. A moan floated back into Chloe's throat, she tightened her grip in Chloe's hair, making her hiss. All of it overwhelmed Beca's senses, making her curl her toes against the carpet, and then Chloe was walking them back to the bed, never letting their lips part.

When her knees hit the bed, she felt Chloe's hands dropping from her cheeks to her neck, and then the back of her dress where the zipper was. She inhaled deeply, feeling her skin getting to hot for her body, and she pulled away from Chloe's lips with a pop and looked at her.

“Wait.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, cliffhanger. You're welcome.
> 
>  _!DISCLAIMER!_ : it will _not be_ a quick fix to a problem, it's more complex than that. But bear with me through these next chapters and you will see where I am going with this. Thank you and love you guys ❤
> 
> Songs used:
> 
> A Thousand Years (cover) by Piano Guys
> 
> Everytime We Touch by Cascada (piano version.)
> 
> Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks
> 
> Amazed by Lonestar 
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picking up right were we left off.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Beca licked her lips, feeling a sudden dryness in her mouth like eating a handful of sand. She looked into Chloe's eyes, that have lost their dilated, hooded daze, and are now just flashing concern worry. “Bec?” Chloe breathed out. Beca blinked in response, still unsure of what she wants to do. Then, Chloe's hand cupped her cheek again, and she closed her eyes as she leaned into her touch.

“Hey.” Beca looked at her through her eyelashes, feeling a lot of things swirling around in her stomach. She probably shouldn't have drank so much. “We don't have to do anything you don't want to do.” Beca nodded and closed her eyes again, feeling more tears in her eyes.

“I'm sorry.” Chloe's other hand mindlessly stroked her hair, calming her.

“Don't be sorry, you don't have anything to be sorry about.” Chloe said gently. Beca couldn't even understand how she wasn't upset with her for kissing her, or leaving her apartment because 'it was a mistake’, but here Chloe was, reassuring _her_.

“I don't know what I'm doing.” She confessed, feeling guilty about it all. Chloe's hand traveled to her arm, soothingly stroking up and down.

“It's okay, we'll figure it out.” She felt a smile pull at her lips when she said 'we’ instead of 'you’. She tilted her head up, not moving her face from Chloe's palm, and she kissed the inside of her wrist.

“Thank you.”

“That's what I'm here for.” Chloe replied, with a soft smile gracing her lips. She slowly withdrew her hands and started moving toward the door, but Beca didn't want the sun to go away. Not after being in the dark for so long.

“Chloe?” She turned around with an expectant look, her hair disheveled and her lipstick smeared slightly. She still looked beautiful. “Stay with me?” she looked at her with a tinge of uncertainty, but it washed away and she nodded.

“Okay.” after they got ready for bed, Beca pulled the comforter back and invited Chloe in. They lied face to face for a while, and Beca took a minute to let her eyes take in all the details that made up Chloe's face.

The small scar in the middle of her forehead, the small bit of freckles covering the bridge of nose, and the small dip on her top lip. Beca has always been a sucker for details, and it's probably why she takes so much time taking her in each chance she gets.

 **“Don't you look comfy.”** Marco sneered. She shook her head and closed her eyes, feeling Chloe's hand on her arm.

“What's wrong?” She said nothing and tried to force him away from her, trying to figure a million things out at the same time. “Bec?” When she opened her eyes, Chloe was still there waiting for her.

“Just…” she couldn't tell her that she saw Marco. Not without sounding crazy. “Hold me?”

“Come here.” Chloe muttered, pulling her into her, Beca turned around and settled in her arms. It was safe. It was comforting. “Goodnight, Bec.”

“Night, Chlo.” and that was the scary part.

 

* * *

 

Chloe kissed her, and Beca kissed back. Beca almost did _it_ with Chloe. Beca didn't go through with _it_ and then cuddled with her instead. That information was a lot to take in. “So, what really has you set off, Beca? What's actually going on?” Loni asked as she watched her pace in front of the window in her office.

“I…” she turned around, feeling like she was at confession, waiting for the father to absolve her of her sins. “I liked it.”

“Being intimate with her?” She shook her head and stared hard out the window at the pigeon in the parking lot, pecking at random things on the ground. She was pretty sure she'd just watched it eat a pebble.

“We weren't intimate.” She mumbled, trying to focus on the metallic blue green on the bird's feathers.

“A kiss is, believe it or not, a very intimate thing to share with someone, Beca.” she rolled her eyes at her counter argument, not really appreciating how Loni challenged her at the moment.

“Well, fine, we got intimate, Loni.” she seethed, recoiling so harshly only because she felt like she was getting cornered.

“And you're upset because you liked it?” she asked, unfazed by Beca's attitude.

“Yes-”

“Beca, after over one year of being on your own with no intimacy, it is _okay_ to like it.” Loni set her notepad aside and folded her hands in her lap. “You can't just shut out physical intimacy, everyone needs it.” Beca closed her eyes and trudged to the couch, sitting down with a quiet puff from the air expelling from the cushion.

“I don't know how…” she pressed her hands into her eye sockets and felt herself getting light headed. Probably from skipping out early without eating breakfast.

“Think of it this way, when you were a little girl, what happened each time you got hurt?” Beca peeked between her fingers and furrowed her brow.

“I don’t know, I cried?”

“And what did your mother do?” she roughly rubbed her cheeks and dropped her hands to cross over each other on her knees.

“She would kiss it or whatever, or hold me until I stopped.”

“And it worked?” Loni questioned.

“Well, yeah.” she began, like it was obvious. “It made me feel… safe.”

“Mm.” She watched her scribble a side note and turn her attention back to her. “Do you think maybe you're so distraught over what happened last night because you deprive yourself from affection because you feel…” Loni thought about her words carefully, as she took off her glasses. “Guilty or undeserving of it?”

“Well…” she began, seeing the logic a little more. But she wasn't ready to believe it yet. “It's different, they’re two different people, like, Chloe's Chloe and my mom is my mom.” she thought back to the last phone call with her mother. She was so happy she was calling, even though she'd kept her promise and called her frequently. “Their affection isn't the same.”

“Of course it's different, your mother and Chloe are two different people, as you've mentioned,” she knew Loni noticed her irritation. “But the affection they offer have to have _some_ similar healing aspects, like intimacy, or like feeling safe and loved, right?”

“Right…” Beca thought about the feeling of Chloe's lips on hers, and how it felt like she was lighting up every dark corner that ever existed inside Beca. “So, what are you saying?” Beca's face was screwed up in confusion, not seeing the thread Loni was trying to show her.

“If your mother's affection can make you feel safe, what if Chloe's does too, but you're just not willing to take a chance and see it because you're afraid?” Beca puckered her lips, with her joined hands pressed hard against them. There was always a truth that reared its ugly head during these appointments. Beca hated it. Even if it were true, and Loni could just see through her transparent skin.

“I guess…” she closed her eyes and vividly remembered the panic she felt when she woke up, curled up in Chloe's arms. She remembered that the panic split her so many ways, where she was panicked about what had happened the night before and that it was noon and she had to be there at therapy. She was panicked about Chloe regretting the kiss, and because what if she didn't and Beca didn't either? Or what would happen if she just left for therapy and didn't leave a note? Would Chloe have chased after her because she made a promise or because she didn't want Beca to let whatever it was that they shared go?

Beca didn't know, but there was a fleeting moment after she slipped out bed where she wasn't panicked and she just wanted to call Loni and cancel their session because Chloe looked so beautiful, lying there and snoring faintly with a messy bed head and she even considered crawling back into bed. The last thought was the thing that made her speed into the parking lot with a screeching halt, to get answers and verify that she was making the right choice.

“I spend a lot of time being afraid…” she cleared her throat, feeling her vocal chords rattle in her esophagus. “It just seems like the more I'm living in this world, the more of his I leave behind.” Loni had a barely perceptible impressed smile on her lips, and the only way Beca could tell was because the small lines around her lips creased a little more.

“That’s normal to feel…” there was more to what Loni wanted to say, but she didn't and that made Beca curious. And curiosity killed the cat.

 

****

 

She waited for it all day. For the rejection to settle in, just so she can let it sit until she left work and deal with it then. She knew that Beca had run, she didn't know where to, but she knew that when she woke up, Beca wasn't there. Of course, Chloe knew that they would actually have to discuss what happened, but the way that kiss felt was so intoxicating, she forgot how to breathe.

Her lips still tingled, and her hands were still hot from being on Beca that way. The need from the beach house was back, but stronger, rooted deeply in her chest. Her mind kept flickering back to way her hand made its home in her hair, gripping just to make sure what was happening was real.

It was distracting, especially knowing that Beca had run from it all. It crushed her, but she forced herself to remember that whatever had happened the night before wasn't just nothing. There was an unpleasant feeling in her throat the entire day, it was sour and sticky like trying to swallow a big pill with no water before it could dissolve in her mouth.

Chloe breathed in deeply before unlocking the apartment door. She had a feeling that Beca wouldn't be there when she walked in, but it still didn't prepare her for the impending blow. After she unlocked the door, a small hint of food wafted toward her and her stomach rumbled loudly. There was a plate sitting on the island with a sticky with her name on it. Relief flooded through her for only a second, before the nerves made her hairs stand straight up.

She'd wanted to see Beca, but she was still so afraid of what she might say. She might say that the kiss was wrong and it shouldn't happen again, or that she didn't want to see her again. Chloe doesn't think her heart could handle that if she did. She decided to ignore the leftovers, despite her hungry stomachs protests, and quietly made her way to Beca's room.

“Beca?” She knocked and turned the knob, not hearing her say not to do otherwise. She was asleep, curled up on the right side where Chloe slept, with one arm tucked underneath her pillow. Chloe lingered there, watching her shoulders move up and down. She stood at the foot of the bed, wondering what it would be like to have somebody to go home to, to find them sleeping and want to join them so badly. The little hope in her mind told her that it could be Beca.

She took notice of all the tissues lying next to her, and the red puffiness around her eyes with streaky tear stains down her blotchy cheeks. She had been crying. Her body suddenly curled harder around the pillow, her knuckles were white, and her brow was furrowed deeply, Chloe couldn't stop herself when she climbed into the bed next to her.

She gently put her arms around her, Beca's head jerked with a sharp inhale and a groan, Chloe squeezed her against herself. “Shhh, I got you.” She rubbed up and down her spine with her hand, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. “You're okay.”

Eventually, Beca's bleary eyes opened and she peered up at Chloe.

“Hi.” She rasped. Chloe brushed away the hair from her face and let her knuckles rest on her cheek, swiping her thumb on her cheek bone.

“Hey, sleepyhead.” Beca put her head back against her chest and drew lazy patterns in her stomach, tickling the nerves there. She wanted to ask her where she went, why she left so soon, but she didn't want to ruin the softness between them.

“I had therapy today.” Beca said into her chest. Chloe tried to keep the relief in, but she exhaled long and hard, hearing her nose hiss lightly. She didn't run. Why?

“How did it go?” Beca looked up at her, perching her chin on her shoulder, less than an inch away from her face.

“It went okay, I still have a lot to figure out…” She said, letting the sentence hang in the air. Chloe watched her face carefully, looking for any signs of regret. Beca was looking at her in a way that made her feel like she was trying to look for something, inside of her, as if trying to reach into her soul. “I don't know what I'm doing… but I just need some time.” the words were simple and vague, but the certainty in her tone was what made Chloe relax her running thoughts.

“Okay.” Then Beca leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. She hid her face in Chloe's neck again and fell asleep. Chloe closed her eyes, thinking about pulling her closer, determined to make her feel safe so she would stay, so when she did, she was surprised when Beca's arms wrapped around her tighter. She was safe and Chloe was the reason.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have a new bed and it's wonderful. I was just really excited about it and thought you all should know.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

It's been three days since Emily's wedding. Today was Beca's first recording session. Yesterday was just going over the songs and arrangements, and talking about background instruments since Beca was adamant about all of the songs being played on the piano because it was his favorite. Today they were recording the first three songs.

The whole idea of getting back into music was nerve-wracking. She thought she was going to die of combustion first before setting foot in her old place of work, but yet there she was. 

Of course, she also had a lot of support lately. Stacie told her it was good that she was getting out there more, and Aubrey had told her it was what Marco would've wanted, and Chloe… Chloe told her whatever her choice was she was there to support her. Whether she acknowledges it or not, it doesn't make the fact that Chloe's support is the only support she needs to do this, and Beca seems fine with that.

Chloe had been giving Gus a run for his money in the emotional support department. She's been spending the night in Beca's bed instead of the couch and it's extremely similar to the way they used to share a bed in Brooklyn, except now there's definitely something more. Beca might not have all her ducks in a row, but she will admit that there is definitely something more from both ends.

They haven't kissed again since the night of Emily's wedding, but they cuddle in the morning before Chloe leaves for work, and text during her lunch break. Then she'll come home and make dinner with Beca, and then they'll watch TV and fall asleep together. It's warm and it's nice to not feel the emptiness of her bed and have remind herself that she's alone, because she's not alone. Chloe is always there now, with a comforting touch when Beca needs it, and a kiss on the forehead when Chloe thinks she's asleep but she's not, not all the way anyway.

For the first time in a long time, she's okay with the way things are happening. But right now, she stands in front of the microphone in the booth, with Theo and a junior producer on the other side of the glass, waiting for her to start. “Whenever you're ready, Beca.” Theo said into the mic. Beca closed her eyes and tensed when she felt a presence behind her.

 **“You can do this, babe.”** She exhaled and rolled her shoulders, trying not to make it seem like something is wrong because there isn't. She just needs to get in the right mindset.

“Okay…” the door of the booth opened, and she opened her eyes to find Theo walking in. He stood before her and grabbed onto her shoulders, firmly.

“Don't psych yourself out.” He whispered fiercely. “Get in your heart, not your head.” He smiled when she nodded and she closed her eyes, trying to focus on how when she got home, Chloe would be there to hold her.

“Okay, I'm ready.” She opened her eyes and he was grinning so hard, she was afraid his face would crack like glass.

“Let's do it.”

 

* * *

 

The first recording day was fine. The second was so very sad and painful. She was sure that Chloe held her extra tight and extra long, almost making herself late to work, because she could sense that Beca was dreading the rest of the day.

She rose from her crater on the couch and she made her way to the closet. She dug around for Marco's camera and she browsed through the pictures until she found the one of her with her exposed baby bump.

A pained and tortured noise wrenched out from inside of her and she crumpled down to her knees. Her sobs rang out in the apartment, causing Gus to lick at the tears that fell onto her hands, and run in circles around her, nuzzling his nose against her thigh.

She could feel the hole in her chest opening up again, all over the rug, and she was trying to get it all back into one place. It hurt, it hurt like getting punched in the chest and not having the lungs to breathe through it, Beca had almost thought she was having a heart attack, the pain wouldn't stop, it was so awful.

She would've stayed there all day, staring down at the picture, falling down into that dark place again instead of going to record the next three songs, but she couldn't. She gathered her strength and she picked herself off the ground. Just as she did, her phone vibrated in her back pocket.

 

_Chloe (to Beca) 9:07 AM: hey Becs I know this is totally random, but you're okay. I'll see you when I get home. *heart emoji*_

 

There was a faint smile painted over her lips after reading her message. The pain in her chest dulled when she imagined Chloe wrapping around her like a security blanket and pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. She shoved her phone back into her pocket and she left, with a little more courage in her.

 

****

 

While Beca had been recording songs during the week, Chloe was working silently in the background, making sure to be there and be constant. She's never heard any of the songs, but she knew that they make Beca cry sometimes when she's home, but after day three Beca just seemed shattered and despondent, and it hurt Chloe to see her like this.

She barely spoke at all, she let her know she was going out or said ‘good morning’, but usually not a lot more than that. Sometimes when she got home, Beca didn't seem upset, she just seemed to be in really deep thought. Like trying to solve a long division problem in her head or trying to remember something that had been on the tip of her tongue.

The apartment door swung open and closed with force, and Beca came through the door crying so dolefully. She marched right up to Chloe and then all of the sudden she pulled her into a kiss, that Chloe was hesitant to return because Beca was clearly upset. They hadn't kissed in five days and now Beca was frantically kissing her in the middle of her kitchen.

She worriedly pulled away, looking into Beca's eyes and cupping her cheeks. “What's wrong? What happened?” She wiped the tears away with her thumbs, feeling Beca's breath on her face.

“Just…” Beca began, closing her eyes, letting tears leak out of the corners. “Life _hurts_ and I…” she opened them again, they were glossy and anguished, but Chloe could see that there was hope in them too. “I just want you to kiss me, okay?” Chloe took a minute to process what she just said, looking at her, assessing her, making sure that this is what Beca wanted. She nodded slowly.

“Okay…” she slowly brought their lips to together, tasting the salty tears and chapstick, feeling her lip stop quivering as they moved with her own. The kiss was softer this time and slower, like she was trying to get all her sorrows out. She felt Beca's arms around her waist and she kissed her with more meaning, trying to make the sadness dissolve. She would kiss Beca until there was no more sadness in her heart.

 

* * *

 

“Chloe?” She stirred and wiped the heavy sleep out of her eyes and looked at Beca, who was staring up at her with tear filled eyes than shone strongly through the dark.

“What's wrong?” A few tears spilled out and Beca pressed her forehead against her sternum. She could feel the tears seeping through the fibers of her t-shirt.

“Can you just talk to me?” She said into Chloe's chest. Chloe ran her hands up and down her arms and looked down at her. “I can't sleep.”

“Okay…” Chloe thought of something good to talk to her about. “I saw a recipe for this shrimp pasta, it had some lemon and pepper flakes, it looked really good…”

“Yeah?” Beca asked, laying her ear flat against her chest. Chloe hoped she wouldn't say anything about how fast her heart was beating.

“Yeah, and it's like really cheap to make too, all it calls for is jumbo shrimps, butter, lemons, spaghetti.” She made circles on Beca's back with her index finger, and trailed up and down her spine.

“That sounds really good.” Beca sighed. Chloe closed her eyes for a moment and saw Beca on the beach, looking out at the ocean. She smiled and opened her eyes again when Beca's hand shifted to the middle of her back.

“Yeah, I thought so too. Did you want to make it this week?”

“Yeah…” Beca yawned loudly. She lifted herself back up to look at Chloe, making her miss the warmth immediately.

“Yeah?” She asked as she stroked her cheek with her knuckles, pushing hair back behind her ear.

“I'd love to.” She smiled at Chloe and kissed her sweetly, making her heart beat intensely inside her rib cage. She put her head back against her chest and wrapped her arms tighter around Chloe. She fell asleep with Beca wrapped around her and the kiss embedded into the memory of her lips.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this one is kinda cute.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

Kissing Beca feels like winning the lottery. Not that Chloe has ever won the lottery before, but she won a raffle once so she decides that it feels something like that. It's something Chloe never expected to happen, but now that it does happen, it feels like she absolutely needs it sometimes in order to survive. Her lips are magnetic, they make her blood swim faster through her veins, making her heart pump faster, and a bright blush rise up her chest to her neck, face, and ears.

Sleeping in her bed is wonderful too. Chloe has always loved cuddles, there was just something so different about cuddling with Beca than cuddling with anyone else. When they lie together, pressed into each other, legs tangled, and her arms wrapped around each other, it feels like a soft hum of electricity, passing through them so softly, leaving all her nerves thrumming with content.

Both things make every bone in Chloe's body rattle and a giddy grin splits across her face every time. It never fails.

The jingle of keys brought Chloe out of her daydream and she turned around, seeing Beca trudging, pulling her purse away from her, letting it make a clunk against the island. “Hey.” She pulled off her baseball cap and sunglasses. She looked so tired, she could probably brew tea with the bags under her eyes. Chloe wanted nothing more than to pull her into her arms and let her nap against her chest.

“Hey, how'd it go today?” She turned her head, her eyes following Beca as she searched through the kitchen.

“Fine,” she yawned, closing the pantry and moving on to the refrigerator. “We did so much today...” She trailed off, not finding anything in the fridge. She made her way around to the couch, and unexpectedly settled down in Chloe's lap, wrapping her arms around her neck. Chloe blinked rapidly trying to gauge what exactly was happening. She almost thought she was still daydreaming until Beca started talking again.

“We finished half of the songs though, now all that's left is adding some other instruments for those and the rest…” she quickly snapped out of it when she realized Beca was still trying to have a conversation with her.

“You don't sound too glad about that.” Beca didn't respond right away, she just tucked her head under Chloe's chin, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

“It's just hard… and sometimes it's too much.” She brought her hand to rest on her hip and her other hand to rest on the flat of her shoulder.

“I get that.” She breathed, holding tighter to her. She just wanted to relieve Beca of all of this. To take it from her and make her whole again. Maybe with time, she will.

Then Beca adjusted in her lap, putting her knees on either side of Chloe's thighs, straddling her. Nothing shocked Chloe more, but when their lips met, her breath involuntarily hitched, and her hands placed themselves on the back of her knees, lightly scratching the denim fabric at her fingertips, she was sure she was going to have a stroke. Beca's hands knotted in her hair, tilting her head up, taking advantage of their position. Chloe revelled at the way Beca’s mouth slanted against hers, and the way her lips enticed Chloe's to part.

Her middle and forefinger pressed hard into the back of her knee, making a soft groan tumble out of Beca's mouth into Chloe's. The flames inside of her licked up the lining of her stomach, roasting her from the inside out. Her senses were swelling with bliss and when Beca pulled away, resting on her haunches, she looked at Chloe with her favorite lopsided smile. Chloe felt herself flush, her lips tingled and her hands now sat on the tops of Beca's thighs. She couldn't quite place the look in Beca's eyes, but it made her squirm in her skin, so she licked her lips, tasting a hint of Beca’s, and smiled at her.

“Not that I'm complaining,” she rubbed her hands up and down Beca's thighs, feeling the sweat building in her palms. Beca's arms were still loosely crossed behind her neck. “But what was that for?” Beca shrugged and gave her a brief peck on the corner of her mouth.

“Come on, we need to go shopping, I'm starving!” she left Chloe's lap and she sat there, completely baffled for a moment. Soon, a dopey smile spread on her face, and she practically floated after Beca. It made Chloe's heart throb with something that branched out from content. Perhaps adoration.

 

****

 

**“Everything I do, I do for you!"**

……

 

“Bec? Bec, wake up, it's just a dream.” she woke to the gentle hand, shaking her shoulder. Chloe didn't miss a beat when it came to pulling her into her embrace. She felt like she swallowed a hand full of rocks that felt like boulders, there was an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up…” Beca trailed off, trying to ground herself before her impending attack.

“Don't be sorry,” Chloe tipped her chin up with the tips of her fingers and placed a soothing kiss on her lips, making the boulders crumble down. “You're okay.” Beca smiled sheepishly at her and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.

“Still, I know it's not easy when I can't seem to stay asleep.” She said dejectedly, feeling guilty about waking her up.

“I'm _always_ here for you, Bec.” She glanced over her shoulder at the clock and turned back to Beca with a charming and affectionate smile. “Even at seven in the morning.” It should be impossible for someone so sleep deprived to be able to smile so early in the morning, but Chloe always found a way, and always would. Chloe was consistent like that.

Beca laid her head against Chloe's chest, feeling Chloe's finger make trails up and down her back. It was so very calming and relaxing, Beca was surprised when she didn't fall asleep again after, but she saw Marco's silhouette standing near the vanity. She clenched her eyes shut and turned in Chloe's arms, pressing her lips against her collar bone. “It's almost Thanksgiving.” She mumbled into Chloe's neck.

“Yeah…” Chloe replied, her other arm wrapped around her waist. “Do you know if your mom's doing anything?”

“Yeah, my sister and my aunt's and cousins are going over.” She looked up at Chloe and traced her jawline to give her something to do with her hands. “My dad and Sheila invited me out to Georgia too, but I don't think I can make it out there with my schedule and be back on time.” Chloe hummed. “What about you?”

“Same old Beale Thanksgiving, everyone will be there, but I don't want take too much time off.” The hand resting on her hip caught Beca's hand and laced their fingers together.

“I think I'm just gonna take a plane to my mom's and fly back after.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…” Beca bit her lip and started to play with Chloe's fingers. She nervously looked at her, and cleared her throat so quietly, it was almost inaudible. She didn't want to acknowledge the fact that she'd be far from her again, and so soon too. “Do we _have_ to get up today?” she yawned and nuzzled her nose against Chloe's neck.

“Eventually, yes.” Chloe shifted, patting Beca's hip, telling her to turn over. “But for now, no.” Chloe clung to her and she felt so much more better sinking into her than when she woke up. She supposed it had to do with the one fact that Chloe never wavers.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so heres this.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

 _Does she know that we bleed the same?_  


_Don't wanna cry, but I break that way_

 

Beca listened to the man sing as she cried. On days like these, she wondered what exactly Marco thought of her before he died. She wondered if she ever kissed him enough and made sure he knew she loved him enough. She wondered if he thought her chicken was rubbery, or she put too much Italian seasoning in the spaghetti sauce.

She wondered if he ever resented her for the miscarriage, and she wonders what would've happened if she didn't shut him out so severely after. “Alright, that was perfect. We're done for the day.” Theo turned his chair, and swiped the kleenex off the desk to give to Beca. “How you holdin’ up?” She closed her eyes and composed herself, reeling the feelings back in.

“Fine, um, we're almost done right?” He nodded and sat up in his chair.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, we just need to listen through this last song again and make any changes, if needed. Then we could go through the accompaniment.” She nodded and thought about it. The song they'd recorded today was the last song that needed to be recorded, they had to find a male artist to do it since the lyrics were coming from a different perspective that didn't belong to Beca. “If you're uncomfortable, we can always just stop.”

“No, no, I promised myself.” she shook her head vehemently.

“While we're on the topic…” she rolled her eyes at his gentle prod. “We should talk about how we should promote this album, if you want to that is.” She already knew her answer.

“No promo's, no drop parties, just release it and reactivate my Twitter.”

“Did you want the team to tweet something day of, or-”

“No. Just release it and don't take any press conferences or interviews.” He nodded as he typed the directions into his notes. She wasn't ready for all of that and Theo understood.

“Okay, anything else?”

**“Are you going on tour?”**

“I won't be touring.” He opened his mouth to object, but he thought better of it and said nothing.

“Okay.” he kissed his teeth and sat back in his chair, analyzing her. “Are you really okay, Beca?” She thought about it. All she found were negative answers until she saw Chloe standing before her, appearance disheveled, and kiss swollen lips telling her she was okay.

 **“Don't lie to the people that want to help you.”** She nodded and put on her best smile.

“Yeah, I'm fine, it's just a lot, you know?” Theo silently agreed and Beca got up and made her way toward the door. “I'll see you after I come back from my mom's.”

 

* * *

 

“Tell me about these dreams that you were having.” She closed her eyes and breathed out.

“It's usually just things that happened when he was still alive.”

“When who was still alive?” Loni asked. She'd been trying to get Beca to verbally acknowledge that Marco isn't alive anymore, with clear words.

“Marco. Just stuff from the miscarriage or sometimes before that.”

“And what are your dreams about now?” she twiddled her fingers in her lap and remembered the events of last night's dream.

“The same mostly, but…” she cleared her throat and opened her eyes to look at Loni. “Um, last night was about Chloe. We had a fight in the summer, and I asked her why she left and she said she couldn't.” Loni hummed and nodded at her words as she wrote. “I don't know what she meant by that.”

“Have you tried bringing it up again? About her leaving?”

“No,” she muttered and picked at her cuticles. “I'm kind of scared to.”

“Why?”

“Because I don't want her to leave. She's really good to me and it doesn't hurt too much when she's here.”

“So, she's like a cornerstone in your life now?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Mmhm, and it's not just because you're intimate with her?”

“What? No, no, God no! That's not why at all.” Loni looked at her with an incredulous look on her face. “I don't know how to explain what we're doing, I'm not even one hundred percent sure if there is a 'we’, but it's not like we're just messing around.” Loni nodded, accepting her answer. She bit her lip and thought of how Chloe would come home to hold her and talk to her.

“It's not just nothing when she here.” she let a silence settle between them, not having any other way to articulate what was going on between her and Chloe.

“What I hear when you say that, is that it's like she's not just supporting you, but she's also helping you heal?”

“Yeah, I really think she is.”

“And does any part of you feel that if you ask her why she left, she'll leave again and you'll stop healing?” Beca nodded shyly and Loni ducked her head to make eye contact with her. “Beca, even if Chloe does leave, you're not healing for her, you're healing for you, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“See?” Loni said more positively. “You’re already a different person than when you came in, and I know that even if it doesn't work out, you'll be too aware of your old habits to let yourself backslide.”

 

* * *

 

Beca laid next to Chloe on the couch, staring at the wall, wishing it would turn into a sky full of stars. She listened to the rhythmic beat of Chloe's heart in her chest. Boom- _boom_ , boom- _boom_. She drew lazy patterns on her stomach, and she focused her eyes on the Brooklyn mug on her shelf. It was important. “Hey, Chloe?”

“Yeah, Bec?” She bit her lip and waited for Chloe to look at her. “Something wrong?”

“No, no… um…” she sighed and looked at her, trying to garner as much confidence as she could. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything. You know that.” Beca hesitated again and Chloe tilted her chin up. “You _do_ know that, right?”

“Yeah…” Beca smiled a little to herself. “Why…” she found the words stuck at the back of her throat and she stilled her breathing as she looked Chloe in the eyes. “Why did you leave?” Chloe's entire body tensed next to her and she could tell she hadn't been anticipating that question.

“Well…”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bum, bum, bum! 
> 
> Song used: Where's My Love by SYML (live from Record Parlour)
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. Sorry for not updating as fast, I know it was like a million updates a week, but I've been a little busy.
> 
> Anyway, here's the rest of that conversation.
> 
> Enjoy.

* * *

 

The question was like getting a tub of cold and frigid water dumped on her. Chloe tried not to react too much, but she didn't know how to answer that question.

“Well…” she sat up at the same time as Beca and she looked down at her hands, trying to find the right words to say to her. “I…” and, of course, as if to make her feel bad, Beca sat there patiently. “I just…” felt unneeded? Irrelevant? “Got busy.” She looked at Beca, who did not, by any means, seem convinced.

“I see…” she visibly closed herself off from her, and planted her feet on the ground, ready to leave. “Chloe, you said I could ask you anything right?”

“Yeah, but, Bec-”

“Okay, so, what did you mean when you said you couldn't?” Chloe could feel the impending anger building between them and she did not like it.

“Bec…”

“Please just tell me.” She sighed and reached for her hand, holding it there between them.

“I…” if she said it, she wouldn't know how to carry on from then. As seconds tacked on, she wasn’t the least bit surprised when Beca pulled her hand away from her. “I-”

“Nevermind.” Beca got up from the couch and walked to her room. She didn't yell, or cry, no doors were slammed, but the one thing that did happen that made Chloe feel awful was the disappointment on Beca's face.

Chloe sat there, angry with herself for not telling Beca why she'd left her life. Instead of wondering what to make for dinner, she wondered what would happen now after. How could they continue? Then, as if to warn her, or provide foreshadowing of the events that would follow, a thought throbbed inside her cranium in the small space between her skull and her brain: is there even a 'they’?

“Shit.”

 

* * *

 

She spent the rest of her evening, exiled to the couch again. Beca didn't come out of her room, and the door being locked was a clear sign that she wanted to be left alone. It seemed like just yesterday she found Beca in that bar. She thought of Beca and how much progress she'd made from when she found her, and she wasn't totally whole, but she was so close Chloe could feel it.

Chloe missed her. Everything just felt wrong without her, even if she was just down the hall, Chloe felt like another void was placed between them, and it was her fault again.

She considered going into Beca's room, but it didn't feel like she should. All the signs said 'don’t’ when she thought about going somewhere she clearly wasn't wanted, to tell her why she left, and so she sat there on the couch, unmoving.

Beca just needed the time to regroup and Chloe accepted that. She was more afraid that she wouldn't be welcome in her life anymore if she told Beca why she'd left in the first place.

She swallowed the fear and quietly walked down the hall to her door, putting her hand to the door, only to bring it back down again. She inhaled for four counts and exhaled for eight, and she squared her shoulders and prepared for the worst. She knocked three times. “Beca?” she could hear shuffling on the other side. She waited there for almost an eternity, but then she heard her voice, so soft and vulnerable.

“Come in.” she turned the knob, the lights were off, and she could see the dark figure of Beca's body on the bed. She took a moment to assess her, and much to her surprise, Beca was just laying there. No sobbing and shallow breathing, no pacing. Just lying on the bed, completely still. She didn't even turn to acknowledge Chloe, she just stared at the wall.

She didn't know how long she stood there, but suddenly Beca was squirming on the mattress, in an effort to turn around and face her. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Beca looked up at her, with no visible emotion on her face. Just nothing. She sat up and tucked her knees to her chest, telepathically telling Chloe to sit down. She hesitantly obliged, sitting a little bit farther than usual. The two women sat in silence, not making anymore eye contact since Chloe had came in.

“I'm sorry-”

“I'm sorry-” she smiled sheepishly at her and shook her head. “Sorry, you go first.”

“I'm really sorry,” Beca said after a sigh. “I didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything, and I just… didn't want everything to just go up in flames because that just seems to be the way things go for me...” Chloe wanted to reach out, but she couldn't bring herself to move. Not yet.

“It's… okay, it's my fault, I should've given you a better answer than just getting busy.” she looked down at her hands, inspecting her fingernails.

“It's okay.” Chloe nodded, absently, gnawing on her lip, listening to Beca's breathing.

“Beca…” she hummed and Chloe internally kicked herself. She should be honest with her. This wasn't being honest. “The reason I left-”

“Chlo, you don't have to-” she looked up at her, making the words dissolve on the tip of her tongue.

“You deserve to know.” she said earnestly.

“Okay.” Beca breathed in deeply and closed her eyes.

“I stopped talking to you because… I just felt so out of place in your life.” She felt her chest get lighter. “You were so successful and everyone loved you, so much, I just thought you didn't need me.”

“Chlo…”

“I figured you'd be better off without me hanging on your back, and that I was just a phase in your life and the moment was over, and that I'd only hold you down.” Beca clicked her tongue and sighed. “When I stopped answering, I didn't feel anything, I didn't feel sorry for myself anymore for thinking that… thinking that I was something special, and untouchable, someone irreplaceable when I knew it just wasn't like that anymore.”

“Chloe,” her voice sounded thick and Chloe hated herself a little for being the reason why.

“And I'm really so fucking sorry for leaving like I did, I thought it was for the best.” Her lip trembled and she knew that the tears were bound to begin rolling down her cheeks to her chin, but if she could just keep them in longer, she might be able to finish the conversation.

“I…” Beca's voice cracked, and Chloe watched her swallow down the lump that was preventing her from speaking. “Chloe... I never meant to make you feel like that and I'm sorry.” she wiped away the tears that managed to escape and sniffled. “I thought you just didn't want to me in your life anymore...”

“I never wanted that, Bec.” she wiped her eyes and blinked away the new tears. They cried for a second, and Chloe couldn't suppress the need to hold her anymore, so she crawled all the way to her, at her right side, wrapping long arms around her, and letting her lips fall to the crown of her head to leave a tender kiss there.

“Are we okay?” Beca tentatively asked, her voice muffled by the fabric of Chloe's shirt against her mouth. Chloe nodded and continued rubbing circles on her back. Beca said ‘we’. There was in fact a ‘we’, and it made a calm wash over her heart, shushing the small doubts in the corner of her mind.

“We're fine, Bec. You're okay.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,
> 
> Sorry for making you all wait so long for another chapter. I've had the most wicked case of writers block, and I haven't really felt motivated to do anything lately, but I've been trying to get back in swing.
> 
> Now that that's out of the way, I figured some fluff would be nice, and some _kind of_ revelations (that y'all can see, but the characters can't yet) so here we go.

* * *

 

“You okay? You look a little pale.” Chloe snapped out of it and finished getting her things.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just, um… low blood sugar.” Lina nodded sympathetically and patted her shoulder as she left the locker room.

She stepped out onto the sidewalk, feeling the slight breeze hit her. Thanksgiving had come extremely fast, Chloe had been at work all day, unable to drive Beca to the airport. She wasn't going home for Thanksgiving, she opted to stay in LA, and she didn't say bye to Beca before she left for work. It wasn't as bad as it sounded, but Chloe couldn't help the anxiety that crept up her neck. Of course, she knew it was a silly thing to worry about, but she really wished she would've said bye.

Beca just looked so peaceful there, with her face pressed into the pillow, and the duvet covering her from the waist down where her shirt had ridden up. Chloe had already gotten so used to waking up to the sight since their strange arrangement had begun. She didn't want to disturb her much needed, and deserved, rest, and pull her out of whatever dream she was having. The pain that etched her features was lessened, and her eyes were alive with presence. Like the hope Beca had been finding for herself exhumed something in her to push, resuscitating her will to heal her wounds. 

She was fine when she came back from her mother's the last time, so it was ridiculous to be nervous about being apart again. Somehow, the doubts in Chloe's mind always called back to the night on the roof and the harrowing predicament she'd walked into. Granted, Beca is in a better place, there's still that doubt in her ear telling her that she needed to worry about her. But Chloe shook the uncertainty away and pressed on with her semi-normal schedule. 

It was strange, being without her again, Chloe felt as if she were just going through the motions all day. She slowed to a stop and parked her car. She considered going back to Beca's apartment, but she knew it wouldn’t feel the same if Beca wasn’t there.

Chloe unlocked her door, and walked into the apartment. It didn't feel like her home, it just felt like the place she used to reside. She'd become so accustomed to being at Beca's, her own apartment felt like foreign territory. She plopped her purse down on the couch, and even though she knew she probably didn't have food, it didn't stop her from looking in her fridge. When the light blinked on, she was surprised to see a tupperware container sitting in the center of the shelf. It was some sort of pasta Beca made, with a bright blue sticky note stuck to the lid.

“'Everyone should get a Thanksgiving dinner, but I couldn't shove a whole turkey in here’.” 

She read it twice and a smile broke out on her face. She pulled her phone out from her pocket and she opened her contacts. Her thumb hovered over the call button, but she didn't press it yet. Did Beca want her to call? Would she answer if she did? She rolled her eyes at herself, as she fixed her appearance, even though Beca wouldn’t be able to see her. While the phone rang, Chloe anxiously bit her thumb nail, waiting for Beca to answer.

“Hello?” her heart faltered for a second, and then sped up completely, it beat so fast it could registered as a panic attack.

“Hey, Beca.” the line went quiet and she could hear the chatter on the other side. She'd thought the call dropped, she pulled the phone away to check, and the call was still in progress, but she couldn’t hear Beca. Her palms began to sweat and her stomach gurgled with nervousness. “Hello?”

“Hey, yeah, sorry, my cousin wanted to show me something. Um, hi.” Chloe exhaled, relieved, feeling her shoulders release tension at the sound of her voice. She smiled at the out of breath contentment in her voice.

“How's it going over there?”

“It's going good, um, all the kids are going nuts.” She said breathily and cleared her throat. “You?”

“It's going good, I just got in from work and I saw that food you put my fridge.” she chirped. 

“Oh, yeah, I figured you'd be hungry, so…” the sound of laughter rang out from the silence. “Ian, sweetie, put puppy down, you're gonna hurt him!... Thank you!” She let out an exaggerated sigh, as the sound of children faded into the background. “Sorry, the kids-”

“No, no, it's okay.” Chloe grinned fondly, even though Beca couldn't see her. “Sounds like puppy is having a heck of a Thanksgiving.” she mused playfully.

“Yeah, I am- I mean, he is.” Chloe laughed and smiled thoughtfully. “So, how was work?”

“Not bad,” Chloe thought about the strange, zombie-like state she had been in for most of the day. “Pretty slow, I guess, what about you?” 

“Um…” there was a loud crash somewhere, and Chloe could imagine the grimace on Beca’s face right then. “Hectic.” she began to chuckle, pulling an amused hum from the back of Beca's throat. 

“So, you’re at your apartment then?” 

“Yeah, I just got here.”

“Oh.” Beca replied, lightly, but the tone of her voice made Chloe curious.

“What?” Beca cleared her throat and Chloe could bet all her money that she was scratching the back of her neck or kicking her foot around.

“Nothing, I just wondering something…” she coughed and hummed, telling Chloe she wasn't ready to talk about whatever she was wondering just yet. “Anyway… I seriously can't wait to come home.”

“I bet, am I still picking you up from the airport?”

“Yeah, if you don't mind.”

“I don't mind at all,” Chloe felt it on her tongue, she rolled her lips, and closed her eyes. “I miss you.” 

“I miss you too.” She felt a strange softness envelope her heart, like a velvet casing. A gentle smile appeared on her face, she could imagine a blush rising up the apples of Beca's cheeks and the small and natural smirk tugging at her lips. A loud crash, followed by maniacal laughter, tore apart their delicate bubble. “I better go before they start rioting.”

“Okay, I'll see you soon.”

“Bye, Chlo.” When she hung up, she sighed softly, letting herself glow in the calmness Beca set off in her. The more she thought about it, the more she felt it, and it felt like something more.

 

****

 

“I don’t see you.” Beca said into her phone, trying to search the crowd for the bright red hair and ocean eyes she’d grown so accustomed to. It was a little past midnight and she was too eager to see Chloe at such a late hour, she couldn't label the sensation she felt as she waited.

She wanted to feel Chloe next to her, with a supporting hand on her knee or the small of her back like she always did, she wanted to feel the feather light kisses she’d leave on her neck when she’d snake her arms around her waist, she just wanted to  _ feel _ her even though she carried her in her thoughts already.

“Look to the left.” it didn’t take more than a second for Beca to see her standing there, beaming at her. Beca ran to the other side, with her eyes locked on Chloe’s, the crowd parted down the middle as Beca raced through. 

When she was just three feet away, she dropped her purse and she leapt into Chloe’s arms, wrapping her legs around her waist, and bringing their lips together like this would be the last kiss she’d ever have before the sky fell and the moon burst into flames. 

She could hear applause around them, but maybe it was her mind celebrating around her, or maybe her nerves were on overdrive, but none of that mattered as she kissed her there in their own world. She tasted like coffee and she smelled sleep, Beca revelled in the way their breaths mingled in and out, something that should keep her from getting lightheaded but does anyway. 

Behind her eyelids was the ocean, coming to the shore again and again, to kiss the land even though it gets pushed away each time. She saw the stars tinkling on the water, and the fire burning in the sky, setting the water to a blaze. She could imagine the salty air wisping at her nostrils, as she tangled her hands in Chloe's hair. She traced her jawline with the tip of her forefinger, feeling the gentle edge, like the curve of a seashell. 

Beca imagined herself under the water, coming up for air only to catch her breath as she rested her forehead on Chloe's, and dropping her feet to find the commercial linoleum that covered the floor, bring herself back to the airport. Chloe's hands rested on her lower back, and her breath tickled her cheeks. A soft laugh flew onto her lips from Chloe's mouth, and she opened her eyes to see the sea. “Guess you really missed me.”

“Yeah,” Beca whispered, feeling winded from the smile Chloe aimed at her. “I guess I did.” She closed her eyes and let herself be held again, as they swayed back and forth, she was tucked away safely in Chloe, like a hammock between two palm trees. Beca felt like she'd been conscious for years, always so tired and weary, but when she found the vibrance in the crowd, she was dreaming, and she was rested. Chloe was like a dream.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper

**Author's Note:**

> I'll add another chapter soon.
> 
> Love it? Hate it? Let me know, I read comments and reply as much as possible.


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